I'm reading the third Twilight book for the first time. I'm doing my best to enjoy it. For me, that means re-writing it entierly. :-)
I think Bella is a little bit ridiculous, and Edward is totally unrealalistic and annoying. I used to think he was kind of charming, but now... If I were Bella, this is how the story would go:
Chapter 1:
Me: Edward, I just heard that my old friend Jacob, who basically saved my life when you broke my heart in the last book, is going through a tough time. I want to see him.
Edward: No.
Me: Uh, well, you can’t tell me what to do. So, bye!
*drives to La Push*
Jacob: Bella!
Me: Jacob!
*hug*
Me: Are you okay?
Jacob: Well, kind of okay. Mostly I’m upset because Victoria is hunting you again, and your friends the vampires have broken our treaty.
Me: What?!
*drives back to Forks*
Me: EDWARD!
Edward: Yes, my goddess?
Me: Stop talking like that! You sound stupid. Now, what’s up with you not telling me that Victoria is hunting me again??
Edward: It is for thine own good, oh Delight of my Life.
Me: Who are you to decide that?
Edward: I am thine body guard, Rapture of my Soul.
Me: That’s weird. I don’t want a body guard. All I want is a normal, give-and-take relationship.
Edward: Mine heart bleeds with your pain, oh Give of All that is Beautiful and…
Me: SHUUUUUUT UP!! I’m going to bed. And stop sneaking into my room at night, you creeper!
*locks doors and windows*
Chapter 2
Edward: So, I think we should go to Arizona.
Me: I don’t think my dad would like that very much because he hates you. But I do want to see my mom, so I think I’LL go to Arizona and YOU can stay here. See ya!
Edward: But… *sigh*
Chapter 3
Edward: BELLA! Welcome home.
Me: Nice to see you again.
Edward: Well, do I get a hug?
Me: No. I’m cold.
Edward: Oh. Okay.
*phone rings*
Me: Hello?
Jacob: Hey Bella. You coming to school tomorrow?
Me: Yep!
Jacob: Okay. Bye!
Edward: What was that about?
Me: Jacob suspects I am now a vampire!
Edward: Well don’t worry baby, you will be soon!
Me: Uh, I think I liked the 18th century talk better.
Edward: As you wish, Angel of Beauty and Love.
Me: Uggg…
*next day*
Edward: Look who’s here! Too bad I forgot to check with Alice on the whole foreseeing the future thing….
Me: Jacob!
Jacob: Hey Bella. I’m here to talk with your boyfriend.
Me: Oh good! Then we can all be friends, like one big happy family!
Jacob: Not exactly. You guys are in big trouble, leach. This is a warning.
Me: Oh man, we got so close…
Edward: Go home, foul beast!
Jacob: Not until I feel like it!
Edward: You will go home when I tell you to go home!
Jacob: I will not!
Edward: Will too!
Jacob: Will not!
Edward: Will too!
Me: OW!
Edward and Jacob: What’s the matter?
Me: Edward, you’re crushing my arms, let go of me!
Edward: No.
Me: Help! Help!
*Jacob swoops in, tackles Edward, frees me, and whisks me off on his motorcycle while the rest of the school cheers*
Chapter 4
Me: Jacob, that was amazing!
Jacob: There’s plenty more dashing rescues where that one came from… marry me, Bells?
Me: Of course. But first I’m going to get my dad’s permission and go to college.
Jacob: Sounds good to me, I’ve still got a couple years of high school left.
Me: Yay!
Jacob: And you know what is especially awesome about this? I’m strong enough to protect you, and I DON’T thirst for your blood!
Me: HORRAY!
*they hug*
THE END.
Epologue: Latter, Jacob destroyed Victoria and took down the Volturi with his pack of Werewolves. Edward lived the rest of his life in caves until he became shriveled and shrunken and started chanting, “Gollum, gollum,” and eating raw fish. Jacob and Bella lived normal lives and were very happy together until they died peacefully in old age.
HA!!!!!
ReplyDelete<3 it. That was pretty brilliant. Maybe a bit over done on the edward slamming, and you TOTALY changed Bella's character, but I loved how Edward talks. "as you wish, angel of beauty and love."
i haven't even read the third book and that whole thing was pretty funny to me. :P
ReplyDeleteUh, Liz, the point is this is what it would have been like if Iiiii was Bella. So of coures I changed Bella's character...
ReplyDeleteThere is no such thing as too much Edward slamming, I have decided. This guy is a total jerk. Has anyone else noticed that??
oh and of course, as soon as I finished writing this I read the part where Bella finds out Jacob doesn't age either. So I guess the whole dying peacefully in old age is a little unrealalistic- but he CAN die, once he decides to stop being a werewolf, so it's still better than Bella becomming a vampire.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat was so totally awesome Em!!
Personally I kinda enjoyed the Twilight series, but they sure didn't make me laugh like this did =D
Actaully whats kinda crazy is that on the part where Edward was trying to call her all sorts of romantic names... there actually was a guy I know who did that via email to me XD
Oh and btw, I totally agree that a lot of times Edward could be a total jerk =P It would drive me NUTS if I had a boyfriend like that. Protective is nice, caring is nice, but obsessively over protective would get reeeaaaaaaaaallly annoying done like he does it.
ReplyDeletelol... wow, that's kind of creepy! Yeah, enjoy them too... I mean, I can't put them down when I'm reading them, but on principle they rub me the wrong way. :-)
ReplyDeletelol yeah... and I'm still not sure if he meant it in a joking way or like for serious. But I'm rather inclined to think he was attempting to be romantic because I do know for a fact that the guy has a big crush on me. heh, awwwwwkward!
ReplyDeleteBella needs to find a normal guy. seriously.
ReplyDeleteGot a kick out of reading this xDDD
ReplyDeleteMe, I'm a Twilight hater :/ so yeah, totally loved this parody you wrote! In case you're wondering how me, a total stranger came across your blog, I clicked the next blog link on the top of my blogger page and I found your blog ;) haha, being random, I guess.
Still, great post! :D
Hahaha, awesome! Actually you're the first person other than my friends who have found this blog since I made it public. Congradulations. :-)
ReplyDelete