decadent extravagance//neverending providence

Ug, the whole purpose of starting a new blog was to appear sophisticated and pulled together- to have a place to articulate my most polished, entertaining and intellectual thoughts. Instead I find myself needing the outlet of my old whinny, teenage-girl blog more than ever. I'm realizing there are a lot of different kinds of people out there, and I have a hard time finding my place among them. There are people who act happy all the time and are really miserable inside. There are people who act grumpy all the time and really have nothing to complain about. And then there are people who are always completely honest about how they are feeling, like they can't hide it even if they tried. I think the third kind is me, but I'm constantly trying to be the first, because I feel myself slipping closer and closer to the second all the time... If that makes any sense.

This leaves me constantly fighting the urge to tell everyone in sight everything on my mind. Unfortunutly, I hate the things on my mind. They are so me-centered, so foolish and insignificant. I hate it when other people get to see these things about me, even though it is authentic and honest.

For those of you who were part of Village Square, remember when we took turns confessing all of our faults on our blogs? It's funny, because I used to think we were being so humble and self-depracating, but in retrospect, I think we were using it to clear our names. As though confessing something you've done wrong eradicates it completely from the past. We all think that all the time. That we can pay a one-time fee for our mistakes and be done with them. And I'm also shocked at how much I just want to clear my name in front of my fellow man. How my sin looks in front of a holy and perfect God doesn't really scare me, but a jurry of my peers does.

Here's one thing I do know about myself, I am not the kind of person who doesn't care what others think. I wish so much that I was. But I'm not. I sit around and judge myself by every one else's standards all day long, and it is absolutely wearing me out. I don't think I should do this anymore. But I'm afraid that if I stop carring, I'll become so annoying and obnoxious nobody will ever want to be my friend. Ugly is a scary word. And that's what so many people are- I'm not talking about being sinful or unattractive or anything like that. Just ugly, like there's nothing there to love.

Love is such a shallow thing, when you get down to it. We'd like to think it's because we relate to people or because we admire good things about them or even that it's some mystical otherly thing we can't understand. But in truth we're just human beings who respond almost without being able to help it to pretty faces and charisma. Some of us have it, some of us don't. Those who don't will get their reward in heaven. It's just depressing, though. Life is not fair.

See, it's those kinds of thoughts in my head that I HATE allowing out. But I feel much better for having said it.

And the truth is- see, there's always a ballancing thought that is at least a little redeeming- the truth is, I'm not all that upset about the unfairness of life or the fact that love seems so disapointing. I mean, I really do believe that there are bigger and better things out there than any of this, and I'm really and trully content to live that way until I die. I just think it's interesting that even though I know how stupid the whole system is, I'm still obsessed with getting a good score in the arena of human competition... like it matters at all.

So it doesn't matter. I will focus on the things that do, and focus on God, and I suppose that ideally through doing that, the things that make a person trully, deeply beautiful will come naturally. Things like focusing on others enough to not need to reflect my own troubles or joys in my attitudes, or knowing when to say something and when to shut up. So then in the end of the day, I guess the spiritual and the secular merge yet again. We must be created to appriciate the grace God can give to people for a reason- it must be a part of the process of sanctification. And this is an incredibly hopeful thought.

That makes me think of a Bible verse: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16) So we are called to be the BEST that we can be, it actually brings glory to Christ. It's not a shallow or pointless mission. So long as you're going about it in the right way and for the right reasons. I like that.

See, now I feel ten times better than I did at the beginning of this post. This is why I will never, ever be polished or sophisticated, but I will at least always know exactly where I am inside my own head. That's always a plus. :-)