it is well

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but in whole
Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

I absolutley love those four lines right there, from the Hymn "Peace Like A River." I have no idea what I believe about God's mystifying love or how much responsibility man has in salvation, but I do know this: Underneath all the layers of self-preservation and apathy and selfishness, something in me is being pulled out of myself in an inexplicable love for my Savior. This love spends so much time burried, but there are moments- like when I read the lines of this hymn- that there is absolutely nothing else on this earth that matters. I would die to have those words upheld as the truth.

I wish this love was more constant and steady, and less of a fits-and-starts sort of thing. But I'm trying to bring myself back to the very basics of what it means to be a child of the Most High and just sit there in the palm of His hand, basking in the light that comes off His very face. And in Him was life, and that life was the light of men. Without this light I am in darkness.

I really need to keep that front and center these days.

I thought I'd also let you all know that it's Costa Rica I'm thinking of going to, not Puerto Rico. I don't know why I thought it was Puerto Rico before, it was never actually Puerto Rico... hahaha, silly, I know.

Also, my parents seem to be okay with me going to Costa Rico. This is huge. I'm honestly surprised they're even taking it seriously. My mom even ordered a Spanish CD that I needed and my sister is learning Spanish with me. People at church are being really surprisingly supportive and excited for me too.

So while it's been less than a week since I started considering this option, and I still don't know if I'm even going to go, I'm already starting to panic a little. I just keep thinking about all the things that would have to come together in such a relatively short amount of time for this to happen, and I'm afraid I've set my heart on going way too much. I need a job, I need a passport, I need to be able to communicate in a foreign language, I need a referense letter, I need to learn about Costa Rica, I need to be staying healthy... I kind of think about these things in a vicious cycle all day long and this knot of worry is growing in the pit of my stomach quite unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I really need to pray and trust God about all this.

I've been thinking a lot about identity and how I'm twenty years old and still have no idea, really, who I am- other than what I read in personality books. But this is beginning to feel like me. Like beyond being an extroverted-abstract-feeler-perceiver, beyond being the oldest Watts, member of Emmanuel, and former homeschooler, I could be the girl who goes to other countries, works with kids, and writes books about what I learn. As my personality book says, ENFP's can go one of two ways- they can either turn in on themselves and go sour, or they can become champions in their fields. Of course, this isn't about me. This is about helping others and giving of my time to FORGET myself- letting God be big while I am SMALL, as Pastor Harris would say. But at the same time, I feel like this is exactly what I need to go through in order to cross the bridge to adulthood. I guess we'll see if this is just my idea, or God's too.