I think I know why I write less and less the older I get: the times when I feel most inspired are also the times I feel most emotional. And that means I can't trust myself to write anything that I won't regret the next morning. I don't like this development in my personality, though I know in many ways it is the better part of wisdom. Tonight I just don't care- tonight creation and fear of loosing the one gift I have (if you could call it that) trump over caution and the opinions of others. In other words, I have to write now, or I won't write at all... and that would be horrible, because then, who would I be?
I am begining to understand more and more why so many writers are cranky, persnickety characters to live with. The more disapointed in myself I feel, the more desierable the world of fiction seems. People say we run to stories because the real world its self is disatisfactory, but I doubt that's really the problem- the real world has lots to offer for those who can take full advantage of it's possibilities. I think it's the things within ourselves that we most dread and wish to escape. At least, that's how it is with me.
Also, I think writers tend to be very controlling. Watching Tangled today I realized that I hated not knowing what was going to happen next, from the very second the plot line stepped away from the predictable and the tame. But I knew that if I was writing it and knew how it was going to end, I would thourougly enjoy tourtourous moment. I think writers enjoy things in their stories that readers never could, too, but that's a tangent.
The point is... well what is the point?
Life has not disapointed, I have disapointed. Things are not anyone's fault but mine. That is the point. Things are fine- just fine! And no amount of writhing in self pitty will change that. Oh how I wish it were as easy to cultivate and develop my own character as it is the imaginary personalities on the page!
I think the best fiction is that produced by those who are fully immersed in the beauty and the suspense of the real world - ie. C.S. Lewis! Keep up the writing (I enjoy the posts) - and keep up the growing (even when it's painful)!! I miss you.
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, your not persnickety or cranky. And I think your writing is great, and if you ever stopped, that would be awful.
ReplyDeleteOh emily. I love it that I can read your blog and hear what I don't have the guts to admit myself.
ReplyDeleteEmotion is a huge catalyst for good writing. That's why I have a quiet little poetry notebook tucked in a corner where no one will ever see it. My deepest thoughts, jotted out in meter, along with some of my closest secrets, set to rhyme, are sitting there, silent because no one will ever read them.
To really write requires an openness that is scary and vulnerable... it's the same with people. To really get close demands an abandonment, albeit a controlled one. The part that's hard is deciding when it's worth the risk.
oh, and totally feeling the controlling thing. I love to write stories, because I get to decide the ending, and the circumstances that lead to it. So much fun. Also unrealistic in many of my cases.
Thanks for posting your thoughts... I admire and respect your courage. And don't beat yourself up. Hard times come to everyone, in various ways. I like this particular Edwards quote... "Indeed, He is a faithful God; He will remember His covenant forever; and never will fail them that trust in Him. But don't be surprised that....clouds of darkness should return. Perpetual sunshine is not usual in this world, even to God's true saints..." aaaand this from Thomas Manton: "Until we get above the mists of the world, we can see nothing of clearness and comfort; but when we can get God and our hearts together, then we can see there is much in the fountain, though nothing in the stream; and though little on earth, yet we have a God in heaven."
Ok, i'll stop now. Sorry for my rambling.
And in other news . . . I like your winter background!
ReplyDeleteThank you, one and all. Julie, I'm not sure I agree with Lewis there- my best writing comes from the dark times when I don't go anywhere or do anything exciting. Because that's when my imagination is forced to go to town in order to keep from getting bored. Maybe that's just me though? Opinions from the crowd? (haha, right?)
ReplyDeleteKatie, that is very gracious of you, considering you often have the supreme privilege of seeing the ugly side of me that most people don't. ;-) Love you!
And Emilie, your thoughts were insightful and encouraging as always. I can count on you to bring the perfect Edwards quote to any occasion, I think!! Really, thanks for commenting. :-)
Paragraph II: Very true.
ReplyDeleteI think we can't quite say the best fiction is produced by one type of extreme author/personality or the other. I find if I am too involved with life, I have no time to stop and think, to analyze what is happening within me and without me. (This has direct spiritual ramifications as well.) However if I never experience life: failures, victories, love, hate, confusion, and solutions, how could I write about such things? I don't really know the balance, but each seems important.
Hum- that's a good point. Ballance is everything, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI guess I've always understood that Lewis quote to mean that if you can't see the pleasures, suspense, thrills in every day "boring" life, your fiction will be less grounded, and that the suspense, pleasure, and thrills of fiction ought to be geared to help us live better here in our every day life. I never thought it meant having to always be running in a state of frenzy to get to the next fiction-material-excitement in our lives. If it does, then I too disagree. Maybe I've just misunderstood the quote. ;-)
ReplyDeleteAh nah, you're probably right and I just misunderstood the quote. I don't really remember what I was thinking anymore, this was so long ago!
ReplyDelete*chants* NEW POST! NEW POST!
ReplyDelete