just because there's no bedtime on Fridays

Food makes me feel so much better. A little bowl of cheesecake ice cream with a twirly dolup of whipped cream on top has much more power than people give it credit for. If I were president, that's what I would say to everything. Give them cheesecake ice cream!

Today I'm really upset because I wanted to be so different, and I'm not. Or something like that. I wanted to be different from my parents and different from most of my friends and different from everybody "worldly" that I'm not supposed to be similar too, I wanted to be radical and revolutionary and pretty much amazing in my own quiet way. I thought I could be this way once I had the right oprotunities, but now I'm having the oprotunities and it's not working out the way I wanted it to at all.

My English teacher says that guys can't be vulnerable because that might make them look week and un-manly, but girls can't be vulnerable because that might make them look ugly. And it's true, because when I'm like this I feel incredibly ugly, like deep down under all the manerisims and attitueds and makeup I put on to be pretty and ladylike and charming there's stuff I want to hide, that's just not attractive, and that's what bothers me more than anything. I live under this misconception that if I were perfect I'd always be happy. Which I suppose is true, but I don't mean actually perfect, I just mean seeming to be perfect, like never saying the wrong thing and always having the right shoes to go with the right outfit. I think if I was perfect like that then things couldn't hit me so hard, because I would be so confident in who I was.

But as it is every thing just seems to reveal how ugly I really am, and I'm not just being self-depricating, I mean everybody is so ugly when you get down to it, and we all have a hard time loving ugly people so it's a bit of a problem. Movies never talk about this, in movies people always deal with broken hearts and ruined lives and job stress and death and things like that, but they're all georgous and perfect in who they are. And I always think (it's terrible, but I do), if I could just be like that, I would care how much hollywood drama happened to me. Even being depressed would be fun if I looked and talked like that. Isn't that ridiculous?

Anyway I've been reading Donald Miller again and he makes me be very honest with myself. I like the way he just talks about things he's done and been through without trying to drive too hard to make points or show us things. He just talks, and you can relate to him and understand him even when you can't relate to him. Though most of the time you can relate to him. I guess being at school has shown me just how little I am capable of making good points and backing them up, I'm kind of a major wannabe when it comes to that. It makes me laugh at myself and all the time I've spent trying to figure things out, as though little, wide-eyed me is going to unlock the answers to the universe just by thinking about it when none of the great scientists or philosophers or my dad have ever been able to do that.

I guess you have to try, though, so that you're not just being ignorant and lazy. All we do in English class is bring up a subject and hash through it until we realize it's hopeless. And then we go home. I guess you get credit for thinking. Eventually you have to stop though, and start walking down the path you've come to weather it's right or not. I mean, it forks all the time. That's life for you, you just keep going and making new turns.

Yes, I wanted to be so different and it's hard. Which is really not profound at all. I guess it's just a personal thing and I'm dealing with it. Probably everybody has to. I thought I could be revolutionary but it's all been said and done before, there's nothing left for us but to live it. And there's something discouragingly unexciting about figuring out all the same stuff as everybody else at the same time or later.

I want to be able to live in a revolutionary way, I guess. Since saying and being arn't enough anymore. But I think more important than that is realizing that I'm not really any different and being okay with needing God that much. God, and cheesecake ice cream, and people who love me for absolutely no reason. Thankfully I've got the last two covered. Now I just really, really need to focus on God.