penny

Jesus has so much to say about so many things. I love how for almost everything he talks about, there’s something else to balance it. He’s very reasonable that way. Also very confusing that way. I’m pretty sure I only understand about two percent of what he says. And then all of the Old Testament, especially the prophesies. It’s very pretty-sounding and if I’m in the right mood I can really appreciate the color and depth of emotion in it, but I don’t have the smallest idea what I’m supposed to be taking out of it. That’s hard to deal with, because I tend to approach the Bible as though it has magical powers, as though I can read it and then feel the transformation wrapping around me from my toes all the way up to my head, like in Cinderella. Everybody thinks that, right?

But I think that in order to really beleive the Bible, the things Jesus says have to take shape in your life. Like maybe the Bible is just an explanation or exposition of this reality called Christianity. Carolyn and I talk a lot about what exactly it means to be a Christian. Sometimes we think it’s as simple as believing on the Lord Jesus Christ (like the Philipian jailer) and sometimes we think it’s got to be more than that, since lots of people believe but don’t really care. I wonder if this is the real difference, when the Bible starts happening to you and it’s not just something you read about.

I don't know what I think about free will and election and all of that stuff, but on a really basic day-to-day level I'm always surprised by how much being a Christian is a two way thing, how much effort it takes on my part. A potential consequence of beleiving in Calvinism is thinking that once you're in you're in and you don't have to do anything else about it. I wish it was like that, but instead it just seems to take so much work and after so much time running I get tired of it sometimes and I'd rather think about something else. But I want to find a way to live this gospel and make it a lasting identity and a lifestyle, not just a religion.