I cannot even begin to describe how frusteratingly anti-climatic writers block is, but if I wasn't having it I'm sure I could think of lots of nasty metaphores. The closest I can come is to that of sneezing, or rather when you really think you're about to sneeze but then you...
don't.
I'd rather be making music or dancing, or acting. It's really annoying how out of my control my very own life tends to be. But that's just the way it is.
Speaking of frusterating, today at School I completely denied being a Christian. Just like Peter. These kids were gossiping in a tight circle and saying something when I walked by, and it went like this:
Laura: We can have HER do it.
Me: Do what?
Matt: Never mind! (I think she's a Christian.)
Me: What?
Matt: Are you a Christian?
Me: ye... yes...
Matt: Like, devout?
Me: No, not really.
Laura: Do you go to church on Sunday?
Me: Yeah, I don't really have a choice in the matter.
Laura: Oh.
Me: But I would even if I did have a choice. I think.
And they thought that was pretty funny, but I'm also pretty sure they think I'm a looser now, which obviously I am, not because I'm a Christian but because I'm only half a Christian. It's very annoying because this one friend I have is always telling me that I don't know what I beleive and I'm doubting everything, and I never listen, but now the truth comes out. This is honestly a pretty acurate evaluation of where I am right now. I pray and stuff, and I'm reading in 1 Samuel and it's pretty good, I get kind of excited about it sometimes. But none of it feels real, it's just something I read about, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong that keeps it from happening to me.
I really like cooking and baking right now because it's fun and straightforward, there's very little philosophy involved, you don't really have to think about it, and yet it's easy to mess up and when you don't, you create something that has a clear and useful purpose. Everything else I do feels futile. School, maybe, but I'm not doing much of that. Exercise, well, I'm just going to get old and decrepid anyway. Writing, arranging words into sentenses to make points, as though no one has ever made them before? I don't get it. Everything exists inside this bubble that can pop in a second and then nothing matters except God. And yet that's the last place I want to run.
Yes, I'm sounding very depressed but I'm really not, I'm just being too introspective. It feels like no one's really around here anymore, which actually is kind of depressing. And that's basically it, Charlie Brown.
I don't know if that's really how it is, Lindy. I think those kids really are concerned about offending me, and they care a lot more than I've been raised to beleive that they (public schoolers) would. I think if I had stood up for myself, they totally would have respected that. If I can't be a flame here in reality, am I really a flame at all?
ReplyDeleteWell Em, you used the example of Peter. After he denied Jesus, of course he was very remorseful of that as is told he went and cried bitterly, but Peter became one of the founders of the church. I bet he learned a valuable lesson that day. When we fail, we must not be discouraged. Failing and disappointment is a fact of life. What we need to do is pick ourselves up, learn, and trust that God is still in control and is doing things for our good.
ReplyDeleteI might say more later. *hugs* Praying for you!
Wow, that is a really encouraging thought, Lucy, thanks! That helped me alot when I first read it, actually.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, that's exactly it, Beth. I replayed it in my mind a thousand times. And I've been praying for an oprotunity to prove myself and stand up for Christ. It would be awesome.
VERYA!!! *tackles Very in big hug attack*
ReplyDeleteKACY!!!
ReplyDelete(speaking of the price of cloth in India)
ReplyDeleteKACY!!!!!! *pokes back* *giggles* *grins* *pokes some more*
ReplyDeleteahahaha Yes Kacy! You need to tell uf ALL about India!!
ReplyDeleteMichaela, she's the one who read them first!
ReplyDeleteNope, Emily read them first, and then Elizabeth. *turns to Emily* right?
ReplyDeleteSleepovers!
ReplyDelete