Wanting things I can't have is a good thing, I guess, because it makes me care more and work harder and live like I know what I'm leaving, in a way.
But it also makes me extreemly bitter and restless, like I could strangle people.
I want to escape from this house and from under my parents authority. I can't stand the authority all of the sudden, it's not just that it gets in the way, it's that I can't stand being told what to do, period. I want to make my own decisions. I want to pay my own bills and iron my own clothes and burn my own toast and I want to do it my way.
I want to have the freedom to make really stupid decisions and live a reckless youth; I want to be given the oprotunity to go through the same experiences that led everyone around me to reach the conclusions they did for myself.
I want to break away from everything I grew up beleiving and startle everyone. I want people to realize that I'm not who they think I am. I want to prove myself a rebel at heart. I want to disapoint people. I want, so much, to loose some friends in the quest for honesty.
I also want to prove that this girl has heart and soul, that this girl can change lives and make a difference, that I'm not who they think I am either. I want them to see that there is a fire in me and that I'm not just a procrastinator or a bad housekeeper.
I want to grapple with everything that I don't understand and put words to the abstract things that make up life, I want to test and try to capture every thought and emotion that humans can think and feel.
I want to throw away this courtship rubbish and give true, burning, pure, budding eighteen-year-old love a fighting chance, I want this more than anything.
I want to find out if this God we serve is relevent in reality or if we have to build a bubble for him to inhabit and worship him like a canary.
I want to get out and go, go, go, I want to break free of everything holding me down right now. I don't even know where I want to go or what I want to do when I get there, but I've got to go somewhere. It's blinding me to every other thought or dream or practical idea that comes up, I just feel the heat of the building burning down around me and I want to jump through a window, though I have no idea what might be at the bottom.
And I think the worst that could happen is not that I won't ever get what I so desperately want, it's that eventually I'll just stop wanting it.
Perhaps what we want is not ours to have.
ReplyDeletePerhaps what we want is not right.
I am speaking about my own experience. I have felt exactly what you are feeling. Some of those things I have done and the consequences are not worth it. I have hurt people close, by hurting them I hurt myself more. Some lessons I have learned were from my mistakes. One thing I want to do from those lessons I learned, is to help others not make some of the same mistakes I have.
Oh, if it helps, you surprise me all the time. The more I get to know you, there more I realize I don't know you. *hugs* I love you! Praying for you!
I will call you sometime, k?
Well Em, I'd love to either completely agree with you and make you feel better, or give you nice guidance like I'm older than you or something and make you feel better.
ReplyDeletebut I swear I'll be in exactly the same place in two year, 'cause I'm getting closer and closer now. I think I'm pretty blessed with my parents, but it's probably a teen thing we'll all have to go through. the more confused I get every day the more I think all we can do is have good friends and cling together through this tough time, and eventually we'll get through......
maybe we're all lost.
hmmm
ReplyDelete