Today I can't think about anything except how much everything is going to change for me. I'm going to wake up one morning and it will be different. I'll realize things and those realizations will make everything else fall into place. It will be very satisfying and everything will feel right, and I'll write fantastic blog posts or pamphlets or books full of short spiffy statements explaining how my mind set used to be so messed up, but then I discovered this amazing revelation and now everything is perfect for me now and if you do what I did you can be perfect too.
But at the same time I realize that if I ever did get to that point I've become irrelevant, because for most people it's not that simple. At least for teenagers. I'm afraid that once I start understanding things I'll just be annoying, even if I am able to become amazing. Amazing people who have it all figured out really frusterate me. They frusterate me more than they inspire me because I know I can't be like that.
There really aren't very many people like that, I suppose, and I can't help but thinking that it's really just an act, that you must be blind to a lot of things if life is that simple for you. You must be shutting your eyes to them and refusing to let them in, and personally, I'd rather be a wreck and let everything wash over me then stand strong and brace against it.
And I really wish that I could find a way to say all of this that was really poetic, or maybe write a story illustrating it, or relate it all back to some big overarching principle that is a governing facet of every human's life and make it profound. That's what writers are supposed to do. If I could do that, then it wouldn't matter how messy and imperfect I am, somehow it would all be okay, like I could capture it that way even if I can't beat it.
But really this is just me, taking myself too seriously, thinking too hard, grasping at things way above my head, looking at my life and being soooo disapointed in the way it's turning out- and none of it means anything, it doesn't have any echos that come back. Because the truth is, the chances that I'll wake up one morning and find myself renewed and permenantly changed and that I'll always feel like doing the best things and I'll be able to write and figure out exactly what to do with my life and love doing it and I won't bite my nails or stress eat ever ever again are very slim.
I don't want to keep going like this, though! I mean, my life is fine, I really have nothing to complain about. But it seems like I've become very disconnected from things since people started leaving our church and I left co-op. I just kind of drift along. I don't care or love or invest the way I used to. At fist I was really proud of myself for reaching this point because it used to be so hard being that dependent on things outside of me, and now I am very very self sufficient, but I wish I could go back. Now I don't have any dreams, really, nothing cognifitve to fight for.
Doesn't it every just feel like I post the same blog over and over? I read back through and think, wow, that was lame. Why do I do this? It's so cliche and emo and unnecessary, it doesn't accomplish anything, it doesn't make me a better person, honest emotions are meant to be expressed in a way that is raw and beautiful, not just explained out as though people are keeping track and taking notes. I wish I could.
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