I am really really lonely right now. I can't explain it. I feel different after that sleepover, like I've been keeping myself to myself for so long I forgot what it was like to feel other people's emotions and to let other people share some of mine. But I still feel like we only barely touched the tip of the ice berg, like there's so much more that I want to ask everyone about and so, so much more I want to say about myself.
Suddenly I feel ridicilously restless, like I have to figure out some rhyme or reason to the life I'm living. I'm so confused. Everything that has happened to me is just laying back there in my past in all of these confusing peices and I want to know how they fit together. I'm not at peace with anything that's happened, I want to dig it all up and think about it and disect it until I find some semblence of meaning in it all. It couldn't have just happened for the sake of moving me furthur through time, right?
The most recent stage of my life has been this new development of common sense, where I've actually become totally okay with living a normal middle class existence, going to church, homeschooling my kids, spending all my time cooking and cleaning, having to work hard at marriage just to make it work. Everything I always told myself I'd never become, I'm just accepting in myself now. I hate it. I want to run with reckless emotions and really LIVE, not just keep plodding along. Is that an adolesent pipe dream? I guess most people think it is.
Eah. It's all just blood and gore from here on out, this drive in me for drama and angst. Why am I like that? I used to be okay with pouring out my deepest heart and soul into the written word and now I tell myself it's stupid, and it is because it's always so dramatic. Nobody knows who I really am. I don't even know who I really am. I don't have an identity, I just float around and interact with people to the best of my ability. I'm so sick of it.
Ahhh. Sometimes I just want to sit down and throw a huge temper tantrum and I want everyone to see it and come running. I want to cry and cry and cry until I can't anymore. Instead I just sit here and stare at a computer screen and struggle with feelings I can't capture.
I am SO tired of being non-distinct. I really want people to notice me. It's like what Caitlyn was saying. But maybe this is how it starts again, just by bleeding everything onto the page and not deleting it in the morning. We'll see how it goes.
*sniffles* I didn't even know there was a sleepover until after it was over. I miss you guys.
ReplyDeleteOh, have you read Found: God's Will by John McArthur?? EXCELLENT book! It is not very long it really helps with getting thoughts together about life.
ReplyDeleteoh cool, I'll look that up.
ReplyDeleteMy pastor was just talking about a book by John McAurthur on Sunday. And the name sounded really familiar but I couldn't think of why.
ReplyDeleteThat was a very inspiring speech, Verya. :-)
You're so right. I used to externalize everything, and deep down I still have the drive to do that, the things inside me claw at my skin trying to get out, but instead I just internalize it all because I'm so afraid that people will think I'm just being stupid. And most of the time I am. But I guess it's still better to just get it all out there.
That goes for all of you, too. :-P
Absolutely. I think most people are more worried about the image they put out of who they are, rather than who they really are. It kind of reminds me of Meg when she goes to the ball and let's the girls dress her up.
ReplyDeleteBut just the fact that we recognize the problem is a step in the right direction.
It's good to have you back, even if it's just a little bit! Thank you for the condolences about my fish....