What a very strange day. I wish could write better poetry- it allows for more complaining without looking selfish. Not that I necessarily want to complain about anything specific, but I do feel generally sorry for myself, as I suppose we all do at times. I long for the transparancy that would allow me to share my burdens with others, but... sometimes I feel like those others all have other others. I'm tired of always feeling like the burden in the relationship, even if that's not how it really is.
the friendship we made
is a waste of our time
there's no one left here
to show a future that's kind
it's a world of hate
gone incredibly wrong
we cared to late
we just followed along
I'm beginning to realize that I am the sort of person who is constantly restless, and yet strangely terrified of change. It keeps me constantly complaining and never doing anything about it. Tonight my disatisfaction with myself and my circumstances are almost overbearing. I really, really want to go to Hatti sometime next quarter, or in truth anywhere that's not here where my restless hands could be given something to do- but the chances that I'll be able to get the money are about zero to none. And if I can't do that I'd like to finish school, but that's out too, again because of money. So what does that leave me with? Getting a job and living at home with my parents, until... what?! My skin starts to crawl just thinking about it- not that there's anything too terrible about jobs or parents, but I'm dying to DO something moving in a direction.
the ash set in and blew away
it's getting lost into the sea
i grew so close to all the thoughts I had to leave forever
I left the chill and voice and screams of kids and ran for shelter
Please, somebody, give me the lecture on contentment I need- or just yell at me for being so emo and ridiculous. That would be heavenly at the moment. Do you ever feel like you don't even want to find the silver linning? Well, if anyone can build the transition between wallowing in misery to that piercing ray of hope, it's Angels and Airwaves.
I wanna have the same last dream again
the one where I wake up, and I'm alive
just as the four walls close me within
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight
I'm the first to know, my dearest friends
even if your hope has burned with time
everything that's touched will be re-grown
and your vicious pain your warning sign
you will be fine
I just so happened to check blogs after months and this is the post that was up. I would suggest reading Philippians 4 and Hebrews 13. Phil. 4:6-7 always is a comfort to me and Heb. 13:5 both comforts and convicts me. Also James 1. I understand your restlessness and struggle. Trust in God, search His word and if you have a desire that is not stemmed from something that is wrong, pursue it. God places desires in our heart for a reason.
ReplyDeleteOh, Lucy, we must have commented at the same time. Thanks for the verses! I will certainly look them up.
ReplyDeleteEmily, you should think about sending out support letters if you're really serious about wanting to go to Haiti. It's how I raised the majority of money for all my India trips. It's really an incredible faith-building experience....and for the most part other people are thrilled to be involved in what you are doing, or at least know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteYou see, I decided not to give you a contentment lecture. :P Your post is too much the exact words out of my mouth (what's new, right?). Maybe some other time, if you're really desperate for a lecture. ;)
*hugs* can we get together for coffee or something like that soon? I miss you dear.
Coffee would be wonderful! Let's do it. When are you free?
ReplyDelete