Thou from hence my all shalt be

This week has been incredibly hard for me.

It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.

I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.

First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!

Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.

I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.

I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.

This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.

Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:

Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!