I am really really lonely right now. I can't explain it. I feel different after that sleepover, like I've been keeping myself to myself for so long I forgot what it was like to feel other people's emotions and to let other people share some of mine. But I still feel like we only barely touched the tip of the ice berg, like there's so much more that I want to ask everyone about and so, so much more I want to say about myself.
Suddenly I feel ridicilously restless, like I have to figure out some rhyme or reason to the life I'm living. I'm so confused. Everything that has happened to me is just laying back there in my past in all of these confusing peices and I want to know how they fit together. I'm not at peace with anything that's happened, I want to dig it all up and think about it and disect it until I find some semblence of meaning in it all. It couldn't have just happened for the sake of moving me furthur through time, right?
The most recent stage of my life has been this new development of common sense, where I've actually become totally okay with living a normal middle class existence, going to church, homeschooling my kids, spending all my time cooking and cleaning, having to work hard at marriage just to make it work. Everything I always told myself I'd never become, I'm just accepting in myself now. I hate it. I want to run with reckless emotions and really LIVE, not just keep plodding along. Is that an adolesent pipe dream? I guess most people think it is.
Eah. It's all just blood and gore from here on out, this drive in me for drama and angst. Why am I like that? I used to be okay with pouring out my deepest heart and soul into the written word and now I tell myself it's stupid, and it is because it's always so dramatic. Nobody knows who I really am. I don't even know who I really am. I don't have an identity, I just float around and interact with people to the best of my ability. I'm so sick of it.
Ahhh. Sometimes I just want to sit down and throw a huge temper tantrum and I want everyone to see it and come running. I want to cry and cry and cry until I can't anymore. Instead I just sit here and stare at a computer screen and struggle with feelings I can't capture.
I am SO tired of being non-distinct. I really want people to notice me. It's like what Caitlyn was saying. But maybe this is how it starts again, just by bleeding everything onto the page and not deleting it in the morning. We'll see how it goes.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I thought this was potentially life-changing...
From Stepping Heavenward:
Question: How shall I offer my purely insignifican actions to God; such as walks, visits made and received, dress, little proprieties, such as washing the hands, etc., the reading of books of history, buisness with which I am charged for my friends, other amusements, such as shopping, having clothes made, and furniture. I want to have some sort of prayer, or method of offering each of these things to God.
Reply: It is not necessary to make great efforts nor acts of great reflection, in order to offer what are called insignificant actions. It is enough to lift the soul one instant to God, to make, a simple offering of it. Everything which God wishes us to do, and which enters into the course of occupation suitable to our position, can and ought to be offered to God; nothing is unworthy of Him but sin. When you feel that an action cannot be offered to God, conclude that it is not appropriate for a Christian; it is at least necessary to suspect it, and seek light concerning it. I would not have a special prayer for each of these things, the elevation of the heart at the moment is sufficient.
As for visits, commissions and the like, as there is danger of following one's own taste too much, I would add to this elevating of the heart a prayer for grace to moderate myself and use precaution.
Question: How shall I offer my purely insignifican actions to God; such as walks, visits made and received, dress, little proprieties, such as washing the hands, etc., the reading of books of history, buisness with which I am charged for my friends, other amusements, such as shopping, having clothes made, and furniture. I want to have some sort of prayer, or method of offering each of these things to God.
Reply: It is not necessary to make great efforts nor acts of great reflection, in order to offer what are called insignificant actions. It is enough to lift the soul one instant to God, to make, a simple offering of it. Everything which God wishes us to do, and which enters into the course of occupation suitable to our position, can and ought to be offered to God; nothing is unworthy of Him but sin. When you feel that an action cannot be offered to God, conclude that it is not appropriate for a Christian; it is at least necessary to suspect it, and seek light concerning it. I would not have a special prayer for each of these things, the elevation of the heart at the moment is sufficient.
As for visits, commissions and the like, as there is danger of following one's own taste too much, I would add to this elevating of the heart a prayer for grace to moderate myself and use precaution.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
joyfull all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies
This morning everything seems to be magic. Driving to work with my dad, the whole world seemed so silent and small, with every twig on every tree crystalized in the snow and ice like we are living in a world made of glass. It is wonderful to be happy just because you are alive, not because of anything going on in your life. That's what true happiness is, isn't it? It can't have anything to do with your circumstances, because those are constantly changing.
It seems that there are only rare periods in my life when I really trully want to live for God, and this is one of them, but I'm very afraid that if I stop talking and writing and praying about it for a few hours I'll forget about it and go back to living for me. That's how weak my heart is... it's so discouraging. I once heard a pastor say that the older he got, the less detached from the world and focused on heaven he became. That sounds like such a beautiful thing to me, to actually want to go to heaven with everything in you. I still can't see myself really wanting to spend that much time praising God. It sounds exausting. I wish that I had that kind of love for him and that he was that REAL to me.
Do you ever feel like God isn't real? Like even though you pray to him and read about him and talk about him with your friends all the time, the whole concept of the gospel is so big and radical that it's hard to accept that it actually did happen, at a certain point in time in the history of this very world that we live in now? I wish I beleived in Jesus being born by a virgin and dying on the cross and comming to life again the way I beleive that Pompey crossed the Rubicon and Cleopatra was the Queen of Egypt, but there is always this element of mystery that I stumble over. I have a hard time with mystery. I want things to be laid out, black and white. Sometimes after I'm done praying I try to wrap my mind around the fact that I was just talking to the same God who spoke to Abraham and Job and Isaiah, but I never quite can. It's a scary thing, and I'm sure that if I ever was able to understand it I would pray quite differently.
*sigh* It's amazing just how far I always have to go. The one thing I already can't wait for about heaven is never having to deal with sin again. To actually feel even my thoughts and my motives being good and clean and perfect all the time... I doub there is anything more wonderful than that.
It seems that there are only rare periods in my life when I really trully want to live for God, and this is one of them, but I'm very afraid that if I stop talking and writing and praying about it for a few hours I'll forget about it and go back to living for me. That's how weak my heart is... it's so discouraging. I once heard a pastor say that the older he got, the less detached from the world and focused on heaven he became. That sounds like such a beautiful thing to me, to actually want to go to heaven with everything in you. I still can't see myself really wanting to spend that much time praising God. It sounds exausting. I wish that I had that kind of love for him and that he was that REAL to me.
Do you ever feel like God isn't real? Like even though you pray to him and read about him and talk about him with your friends all the time, the whole concept of the gospel is so big and radical that it's hard to accept that it actually did happen, at a certain point in time in the history of this very world that we live in now? I wish I beleived in Jesus being born by a virgin and dying on the cross and comming to life again the way I beleive that Pompey crossed the Rubicon and Cleopatra was the Queen of Egypt, but there is always this element of mystery that I stumble over. I have a hard time with mystery. I want things to be laid out, black and white. Sometimes after I'm done praying I try to wrap my mind around the fact that I was just talking to the same God who spoke to Abraham and Job and Isaiah, but I never quite can. It's a scary thing, and I'm sure that if I ever was able to understand it I would pray quite differently.
*sigh* It's amazing just how far I always have to go. The one thing I already can't wait for about heaven is never having to deal with sin again. To actually feel even my thoughts and my motives being good and clean and perfect all the time... I doub there is anything more wonderful than that.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
he's gotta wear his goggles, cuz the snow really flies...
Well here I am at work, in a mall that is virtually deserted, having been here since 5:50 for the mad rush of Christmas shoppers we were expecting before all of this wonderful snow came! I say that cheerfully because I am working on not complaining, haha. But it's actually not that bad because I'll get off at noon instead of three like usual.
Lately I've been:
-looking for a new job
-reading Stepping Heavenward
-studying small portions of the Bible instead of reading a chapter a day
-not Christmas shopping
-getting very very sick
-racking up a horrendous phone bill for my parents with long distance calls to Black Diamond
-eating way too many Christmas cookies
and many other things I'm sure which I'm just not remembering right now.
and I've been thinking:
-I am really not cut out for sales. I LOVE helping customers when they come to me; trying to help them find the perfect phone for their needs and watching them walk out of there happy is a great feeling. But I hate trying to stop people who have a totally different agenda and force them into buying products witch they don't really know if they want. So I am not selling anything here, which is putting me on the fast track headed for getting fired. Thus the new job search.
-So much of goodness is acting. The girl in Stepping Heavenward (which every girl here really has to read, if they haven't already) is constantly telling her journal how much she hates certain circumstances, or what a hard time she has dealing with things, and she seems like someone who is barely a Christian or really struggling in her faith- but then she mentions other people who tell her what a saint she is. So I realized that the truth about people is always much darker than how they appear, and that a good deal of sanctification is being able to control the bad things in us and not give them any victory over us.
-Pastors are very, very inteligent people. It amazes me how they can take just a few verses and find heart-wrenching meaning and convicting application out of them. So I've been taking church notes in my journal and then choosing one passage from the sermon to study all week, and it's been amazing because these deep, deep truthes are actually working their way into my understanding. For example:
Lately I've been:
-looking for a new job
-reading Stepping Heavenward
-studying small portions of the Bible instead of reading a chapter a day
-not Christmas shopping
-getting very very sick
-racking up a horrendous phone bill for my parents with long distance calls to Black Diamond
-eating way too many Christmas cookies
and many other things I'm sure which I'm just not remembering right now.
and I've been thinking:
-I am really not cut out for sales. I LOVE helping customers when they come to me; trying to help them find the perfect phone for their needs and watching them walk out of there happy is a great feeling. But I hate trying to stop people who have a totally different agenda and force them into buying products witch they don't really know if they want. So I am not selling anything here, which is putting me on the fast track headed for getting fired. Thus the new job search.
-So much of goodness is acting. The girl in Stepping Heavenward (which every girl here really has to read, if they haven't already) is constantly telling her journal how much she hates certain circumstances, or what a hard time she has dealing with things, and she seems like someone who is barely a Christian or really struggling in her faith- but then she mentions other people who tell her what a saint she is. So I realized that the truth about people is always much darker than how they appear, and that a good deal of sanctification is being able to control the bad things in us and not give them any victory over us.
-Pastors are very, very inteligent people. It amazes me how they can take just a few verses and find heart-wrenching meaning and convicting application out of them. So I've been taking church notes in my journal and then choosing one passage from the sermon to study all week, and it's been amazing because these deep, deep truthes are actually working their way into my understanding. For example:
1. The Peace of God surpasses understanding. Philipians
4:7
2. As Christians, our lives should look different after
salvation. Ephesians 2:1-10
3. It is my duty to be content in my circumstances. Hebrews
13:5, not to mention the entierty of Jonah (sunday school) and Job 34 (morning
worship).-Who needs Christmas presents anyway? Really, I did that last year.
-There is nothing fun about being sick when you're 19 the way there was when you were 9. But I like to think that when I'm better I'll enjoy life that much more.
-I am very loud when I talk to Christina on the phone. And Jacob and Raeshell constantly contradict her in the background.
-I would like to eat nothing but carrots and perhaps a candy cane for the next week.
-It is very annoying how blogger formats this post.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I've been thinking
Today I saw a scrapbook that said "life makes the best story."
And I started wondering weather or not this was really true. Because a good story has to have conflict and resolution, and while life has pleanty of conflict, it is often lacking in resolution. What resolution we do find never lasts for long. There is always more conflict that comes up later, and then we forget about the things that are already resolved and they have to be resolved all over again. And also, resolution isn't usually very climatic. It often comes just by thinking things through or by listening to someone else talk. Or, perhaps even more frequently, resolution comes by being so confused that you give up trying to figure things out and they simply fade into the past, and you realize in hind sight just how small and insignifcant your "giant" problems really were.
Not very much like a story at all.
So I am starting to find it a very strange thing that people try to put snippets of humanity into two hour movies or describe feelings in three and four minute songs. Even a book, with it's limited number of pages and cover drawings and footnotes, can never quite capture anything close to reality. But it occurs to me now that capturing reality isn't exactly the point. The whole reason art is so important to us is because it makes life look like more than it really is. And that's how we start to view our own lives- as stories with plots and heroes and other characters, or as songs with music videos.
Or at least that is how it is for me.
Reality and I have never gotten along well, I'm afraid. I'm just never quite sure what kind of a story mine will be in the end. I'm not sure if I want to be the hero, the victim, or the lovely Mrs. Right. I'm not sure if it should be a fairy tale, a soulful exposition of a girls thoughts and feelings, or an epic struggle pitting good vs. evil. I'm not sure if it should be poetry, prose, or something no one has ever heard of before. But I do think that if this story ever were to be told, it would take on a life that is bigger than my reality ever will be.
This is a horrily pretentious blog post. I want to write another one.
And I started wondering weather or not this was really true. Because a good story has to have conflict and resolution, and while life has pleanty of conflict, it is often lacking in resolution. What resolution we do find never lasts for long. There is always more conflict that comes up later, and then we forget about the things that are already resolved and they have to be resolved all over again. And also, resolution isn't usually very climatic. It often comes just by thinking things through or by listening to someone else talk. Or, perhaps even more frequently, resolution comes by being so confused that you give up trying to figure things out and they simply fade into the past, and you realize in hind sight just how small and insignifcant your "giant" problems really were.
Not very much like a story at all.
So I am starting to find it a very strange thing that people try to put snippets of humanity into two hour movies or describe feelings in three and four minute songs. Even a book, with it's limited number of pages and cover drawings and footnotes, can never quite capture anything close to reality. But it occurs to me now that capturing reality isn't exactly the point. The whole reason art is so important to us is because it makes life look like more than it really is. And that's how we start to view our own lives- as stories with plots and heroes and other characters, or as songs with music videos.
Or at least that is how it is for me.
Reality and I have never gotten along well, I'm afraid. I'm just never quite sure what kind of a story mine will be in the end. I'm not sure if I want to be the hero, the victim, or the lovely Mrs. Right. I'm not sure if it should be a fairy tale, a soulful exposition of a girls thoughts and feelings, or an epic struggle pitting good vs. evil. I'm not sure if it should be poetry, prose, or something no one has ever heard of before. But I do think that if this story ever were to be told, it would take on a life that is bigger than my reality ever will be.
This is a horrily pretentious blog post. I want to write another one.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
together we've climbed hills and trees, skinned our hearts and skinned our knees
Alright, I'm back for a day. But I make no promises, because I'm very very busy right now and I have almost no time at all for the computer.
Right at this minute, though, I need a place for my mounting frustration with life to errupt and make a huge mess without feeling like it will all come back to haunt me later on. This place is safe, and I miss that. For all of you who didn't come to Elizabeth and Beth's birthday party, you really missed out. It was just like old times, singing and dancing together and then talking late into the night. It made me realize again how much I've left behind in my life for absolutely no good reason at all.
With my new friends it's different. You have to hold yourself together and make snide comments. You have to know the lingo. You have to act like you don't really care. You have to accept it when life doesn't throw you together anymore. You just have to keep going, going, going, like the energizer bunny with that stupid drum. That's exactly how life feels right now. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...
I have heard that one of the three keys to being a happy person is having a higher purpose or meaning in this life. They did a study and the happy people they interviewed all had this in common, apparently. So there must be truth to it. I suppose this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that the joy of the Lord should be our strength. It must just be a mindset that you keep with you at all times, where you know that God has put you on this earth for a reason and you go through each and every day in the concious effort to fulfil it. What IS that purpose, though, for me? I don't know. I certainly don't live this way.
The other two keys were getting deeply involved in projects to consume your mind, and staying connected with friends and family. It's a little ridiculous to be evaluating my life by bullet points from a Readers Digest article, huh? I guess it kind of rings true with me though, especially when I realize that I'm missing out on both of these things, too. Is it totally selfish and inapropriate to say that I just want to be happy? I just can't see myself continuing to plod along to the beat of that drum for too much longer without completely throwing in the towel; I've come pretty close several times already.
Of course the truth is I always bring all of this on myself, and I don't know why. I have always boardered on the side of being self-destructive, so I guess this is just another way that I fail to take care of myself. I'm sure I'd be a much better instrument to be used by God and help people around me and contribute to the world if I just found a way to love life instead of being dragged through it, feeling like butter scraped over too much bread.
I guess what it boils down to is this: I need to start praying and really searching my Bible again, and definantly studdying like I actually care about my classes even though I don't. Maybe I could even invest a little effort into work. And I need to surround myself with the people I care about. Do you ever have a image in your mind of the way you want things to be, and it burns you when you realize how far away it is from reality? I always looked forward to college so much. It was supposed to be so exhilerating, the best four years of my life. I was supposed to be meating tons of new amazing people and running all over the place having adventures and learning new things, becoming the person I want to be for the rest of my life. Adding value to who I am through good book learning and stuff like that. And I have to ask myself, why not?
So I hope that even if blog is in it's last days here, I can find a way soon to see all of you on a regular basis. Maybe these are the friends I will cary with me all of my life, or at least some of them, or one of them. You just never know. At least I don't want anyone to say that it didn't happen because I didn't try. If you want to help me out with this crusade, my new phone number is (253)353-0986, just in case you didn't know.
Right at this minute, though, I need a place for my mounting frustration with life to errupt and make a huge mess without feeling like it will all come back to haunt me later on. This place is safe, and I miss that. For all of you who didn't come to Elizabeth and Beth's birthday party, you really missed out. It was just like old times, singing and dancing together and then talking late into the night. It made me realize again how much I've left behind in my life for absolutely no good reason at all.
With my new friends it's different. You have to hold yourself together and make snide comments. You have to know the lingo. You have to act like you don't really care. You have to accept it when life doesn't throw you together anymore. You just have to keep going, going, going, like the energizer bunny with that stupid drum. That's exactly how life feels right now. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...
I have heard that one of the three keys to being a happy person is having a higher purpose or meaning in this life. They did a study and the happy people they interviewed all had this in common, apparently. So there must be truth to it. I suppose this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that the joy of the Lord should be our strength. It must just be a mindset that you keep with you at all times, where you know that God has put you on this earth for a reason and you go through each and every day in the concious effort to fulfil it. What IS that purpose, though, for me? I don't know. I certainly don't live this way.
The other two keys were getting deeply involved in projects to consume your mind, and staying connected with friends and family. It's a little ridiculous to be evaluating my life by bullet points from a Readers Digest article, huh? I guess it kind of rings true with me though, especially when I realize that I'm missing out on both of these things, too. Is it totally selfish and inapropriate to say that I just want to be happy? I just can't see myself continuing to plod along to the beat of that drum for too much longer without completely throwing in the towel; I've come pretty close several times already.
Of course the truth is I always bring all of this on myself, and I don't know why. I have always boardered on the side of being self-destructive, so I guess this is just another way that I fail to take care of myself. I'm sure I'd be a much better instrument to be used by God and help people around me and contribute to the world if I just found a way to love life instead of being dragged through it, feeling like butter scraped over too much bread.
I guess what it boils down to is this: I need to start praying and really searching my Bible again, and definantly studdying like I actually care about my classes even though I don't. Maybe I could even invest a little effort into work. And I need to surround myself with the people I care about. Do you ever have a image in your mind of the way you want things to be, and it burns you when you realize how far away it is from reality? I always looked forward to college so much. It was supposed to be so exhilerating, the best four years of my life. I was supposed to be meating tons of new amazing people and running all over the place having adventures and learning new things, becoming the person I want to be for the rest of my life. Adding value to who I am through good book learning and stuff like that. And I have to ask myself, why not?
So I hope that even if blog is in it's last days here, I can find a way soon to see all of you on a regular basis. Maybe these are the friends I will cary with me all of my life, or at least some of them, or one of them. You just never know. At least I don't want anyone to say that it didn't happen because I didn't try. If you want to help me out with this crusade, my new phone number is (253)353-0986, just in case you didn't know.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
i love this song.
Take a walk down town, and dream with me
We'll walk the parks and the empty streets
You know the seasons ought to be
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
We're alone in a crowded room
Silhouetted and ready to bloom
You know the seasons ought to be
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
Take a walk downtown
Remember the days that would never end?
So much time you couldn't comprehend?
When the sun’s so slow to fade
And tomorrow was more of the same
And the easiest April Rain
Was enough to ignite the flame
And you’d fade out with a grin
With the company you were in
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
And when the sky's a dusky hue
And everything is bottle blue
I love you more than I ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I m working on
I'm working on
Take a walk down town
And jump the train line down
And then turn around at the edge of town
Or continue down, to the other side
And ride and ride ‘til we see our lives
And see our lives from outside
Our city walls and the darkened halls
And the lonely calls
And when we turn around and head back in
Everything will be new again
Everything will be new
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
And when the sky's a dusky hue
And everything is bottle blue
I love you more than I ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I m working on
I'm working on
Take a walk downtown
We'll walk the parks and the empty streets
You know the seasons ought to be
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
We're alone in a crowded room
Silhouetted and ready to bloom
You know the seasons ought to be
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
Take a walk downtown
Remember the days that would never end?
So much time you couldn't comprehend?
When the sun’s so slow to fade
And tomorrow was more of the same
And the easiest April Rain
Was enough to ignite the flame
And you’d fade out with a grin
With the company you were in
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
And when the sky's a dusky hue
And everything is bottle blue
I love you more than I ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I m working on
I'm working on
Take a walk down town
And jump the train line down
And then turn around at the edge of town
Or continue down, to the other side
And ride and ride ‘til we see our lives
And see our lives from outside
Our city walls and the darkened halls
And the lonely calls
And when we turn around and head back in
Everything will be new again
Everything will be new
And when the high wind blows everything
Like the lion attacking the spring
I love you more than I'll ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I'm working on
I'm working on
And when the sky's a dusky hue
And everything is bottle blue
I love you more than I ever let on
And that's a fault of mine I m working on
I'm working on
Take a walk downtown
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