10 things I have been obsessed with lately

This is not the post I wanted to make, but it's getting late and I just can't sleep, and my mind's still not up to anything epic or interesting. So, here's a mindless midnight list:

10. Nail polish



9. The movie Young Queen Victoria

Girls, if you have not seen this movie, you really must. I like to think that my marriage will be just like this if I get married, other than the whole rulling-a-country thing. I've never seen a movie potray marriage so realalistically and yet also so beautifully.

8. Striking poses



7. Discussions about true beauty and PRESUPPOSITIONS

If there is one thing I love about my church, it is that people gasp in excitement when they hear big words. In Sunday School we've been debating weather or not there is an absolute standard for esthetics (the perception of beauty) and it's got the whole church talking- I was part of three discussions throughout the day and a couple during the week on this subject alone. It's very thought-provoking and exciting because I feel like something big is about to fall into place in my thinking.

6. Mix-matched socks



5. Running

I hit my goal milage twice this week! When you run with good music (see #3) or good friends (#1) you don't really want to stop. Now it's time to set a new goal. I'm realizing setting goals and actually reaching them is a really, really good thing and I should do it more often.

4. Incuring Elizabeth's wrath :-P




3. Glee

Synonomous for brilliant, in my perhaps not-so-humble opinion. :-P And when I say Glee, I really just mean Glee music. I've logged so many hours on the season one soundtrack this week it's probably not even good for me. It makes it so easy to imagine an ideal world in which all I do is sing and dance with my friends all day long. And I ask you, is there any better feeling than that?

2. This girl



1. Hanging out with my out-of-town cousins

Yep, the Carlsons are in town for a whole entire MONTH. We've been playing yard games, having photo shoots, planning and shooting a music video, and singing hymns for a whole week now. They come to stay at our house tomorrow. It's going to be stupendous. Not only is my family trully amazing and made up of trully amazing people, but together we have such perfectly summerish good times. Honestly, the sunshine just needs to catch up with us.

And those are at least some of the things that make my life 100% worth living right now. :-)

Day 40

For those of you non-facebookers... my Roblealto application was accepted!!

I guess they probably arn't too picky, but I was getting really concerned that this was just another pipe dream and now it feels more like reality. They told me I'll have my own room and they brought the cost down a lot. I guess this makes me one step closer! :-)

this post is much too long and probably shouldn't be read.

I just came down from an hour spent at the height of my OCD mood. You all will be happy to know tht even my jewlry is now filed into sub-piles. My room was already IN ridiculously good shape, and now it's about ready to have brain surgery performed in it. The only thing left to organize is my life, and here is where I completely break down.

Keeping my room clean goes along with exercise, having long devotions, and forcing myself to read borring books in the list of things I often do in an attempt to fix the mistakes of the day. Why are there always so many long hours completely wasted, and so many fruitless activities persuied at full-throttle? So, so often I feel that I am completely out of control in my own life, and so I have to find little things that I can control, like the rings standing face-up in the jewlry box.

I'm just so frusterated, because my spanish program isn't working, I still can't find a job and I'm past the deadline, and I haven't heard back from Costa Rica since I sent in my official application. Meanwhile, time ticks by and I'm acomplishing absolutely nothing. There is no way to go to bed at night satisfied with your day when all it held was a bunch of randomly strung-together chores, not one of which contribute to the greater good of anything ongoing or significant. One is left without any sense of continuity or purpose.

I've been realizing lately that I've never really had the experience of working hard for something and actually acheiving that goal. I've been goal-setting all my life, but I never had the follow-through. I had so many bright dreams- going to private school, getting an English degree, becomming a dancer, singing with one of the best local choirs, moving out, even just becoming the kind of amazing, confident person who inspires others... and not one of them every came true. Until last quarter of school, in which I actually managed to get on the Deans list. It was also the most credit's I'd ever taken, and I was working twenty hours a week on top. Now that's living. That's what I want out of this life- a way to work hard, play hard, and sleep hard at night. And make a difference. Do something good, honest, comendable, God-honoring, and really meaningful. Wherever there is a job like that for me, I will go.

So why is it now, once I've finally got a bit more maturity and experience under my belt, that everything comes to a grinding halt? I'm sick of looking people in the eye and explaining that no, I'm not really doing anything with my life. I hate people seeing me living in my parents house, wearing the same clothes I wore two years ago, looking depressed and grumpy- these are the golden years of my life.

I'm sorry to be so complaining, but I really feel a need to justify who I am and what I'm doing to everyone. How do I even want to be seen? I want to be the girl who inspires others to be the best versions of themselves, and I want to be bright and cheerful and confident. I don't really want to be the most fashionable or the most exciting or the most popular, but I do want to be tasteful and relatable and lovable. Isn't that what we all want, in the end? Just love me, not because you have to or because you think you should, but because you really think I'm one of the most awesome people you've met. Don't tell me you don't want it too.

I think it's also really important to me that I be seen as deep and thoughtful, that I'm not just some steriotype from a chick flick. That I'm a tiny bit different and unique without being pretentious or trying too hard to stand out. That my brain is a cool place that "believes six impossible things before breackfast" instead of a place just thinks about what everybody should be doing or how hungry I am.

I tend to feel like all of this would be solved, like I would automatically become the perfect person, if I could just go to Costa Rica and have this life-altering experience. But I guess to be honest I'm really way more concerned about who I am than what I'm doing. If I could do what I'm doing now well and feel good about myself doing it, I probably would never want to leave.

In the end of the day, I guess whoever said it was right when they said, "It's not about being yourself, it's about creating yourself." And in tiny ways, I am moving towards that ideal version of me instead of sitting there in the mire of hating who I really am. I'm trying to be more creative in the way I live my life, for instance, which somehow makes me feel more me and more interesting. I'm beginning to realize art is really really great for a person to do- never a waste of time. And I'm trying to explore music and movies on my own (very slowly) and really carve my own path in these sorts of things. It helps. But I still often feel in bondage, stuck behind bars of other people's opinions and my own stupid inhabitions, all of which basically come down to sin.

I'm such a late bloomer and always so behind most of my friends, even those much younger than me, but on the bright side I think maybe my journey to "arrival" (if such a thing exists) is almost over. Just a couple more years, and if I continue to change at the rate I have been changing, I will be the person I want to be and maybe even doing the things I want to do. By the grace of God alone, that is. In the mean time, I'm afraid the ride can be rather bumpy.

there's no escaping the truth, there's no mistaking it's You

This has been "one of those days." The kind where technically, everything is absolutely perfect, but deep down something's bothering you that you can't even really put your finger on. This week I find myself running headlong into every situation that will require full brain power, therefore leaving none leftover to think. Reason being that thinking leads to feeling and feeling leads to carring, which can cause all sorts of trouble. This applies not only to relationships but just about everything else in life too, I'm learning.

So when I finally decided to go to bed tonight and got to the point where there was no more noise or responsabilities to distract me, it all started rushing in and I began to feel kind of miserable. Just that empty lonely meaningless ache that cannot be reasoned away. So in a last-shot attempt at distracting myself, I decided to just jump into my devos for the night. And this is the passage I came to:

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)

And this is what J.C. Ryle had to say about it: "God the Son shares with us a common experience of living in a fallen world. His understanding of us is not therefore theoretical but personally experienced."

This was somewhat comforting, because it seemed so appropriate to the things I has been dealing with before I started reading. It's cool to realize that Christ has empathy and not just sympothy for what I'm dealing with. But I still felt pretty empty and disatisfied, although I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. When the God of the Universe is stooping to spoon-feed me encouragements at exactly the time I need them, how can I possibly still feel lonely?

Then it occured to me- I'm human. As such, I'm always going to want things like a physical face to react to the things I'm saying, or a physical arm around my shoulders to support me, or a physical voice to encourage me. We humans are crazy about this stuff, about relating to one another. But it's funny, because so often when we build friendships and hang out and invest time and money into one another, it's for the simplest, most insignificant things. While the deapths of love possible between two humans is on one hand phenominal, on the other hand it's very basic and simple- a kind of "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" arrangement.

All this to say, I realized in that moment that wanting and seeking after a relationship with Jesus Christ is harder than befriending other people. It's not as natural, or as easy. It's like cultivating a taste for anything really worth enjoying in this life, from fine wine to jazz music. It will always be easier to drink cheap soda and listen to popular radio, but in the end of the day, it won't be as fufilling. So if I can get past the shallow, silly things that I want out of other people, I will discover that what I really want is Christ. That the song and dance of human relationships is fun and even necessary, but not by any means the best out there.

Here's an example of one of the ways in which Christ makes a vastly supperior friend to any we will find on this earth:

"Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." (Hebrews 2:17)

you want a new song, like a new religion

Some people have this amazing talent for writing really interesting things that make others want to read them. Somehow, this has never exactly been my goal in writing, although it should be. I mean, that's what sells. And the authress crafting her story is not really any different from the spider spinning her web- she wants the reader to be caught, irreversably, stuck there turning pages into the wee hours of the morning until there are no more pages to turn. This is how you make a living as a writer, I am told.

Then there are those who take things the complete oposite direction, and want everything to be original, rule-breaking, even difficult. While I admire writers who can spin a tale to catch unsuspecting readers, I have a much harder time with this later kind. I mean, it's good to be original, and fresh creative ideas are everything in the world of writing. But I really think there is such a thing as forced creativity- side stepping and shimming around every already-done idea like you're a spy trying to get through a room of lasers to the prize on the other side- ORIGINALITY! I think it's stupid.

Which is why I'd much rather read a honest, down to earth story about a small town boy who goes on a simple adventure and meets a small town girl than most anything else that's out there. Down to earth is not a marketing gimmic or a desperate grasp at originality. The best part is that you get the feeling it just flowed out of the writers pen, without much forethought or overanalizing or consideration of the consequences... it's usually just raw and unscripted, the deepest and most honest things in the writer's heart.

And really, this makes sense, because the things that human beings really want and need don't ever change, and there is only a surprisingly small handful of these kinds of things to choose from.

I would include any typical fantasy story in this chategory, even if the elves are graceful and beautiful and the dwarves live under the mountains. These things are classic elements that can be used to tell a thousand different stories, most of which are, at the heart of things, relatable and simple. Like the Lord of the Rings or (please don't think of the movie) Eragon. Or C.S. Lewis. But fantasy and sci-fi are awesome because the ways to be creative without forcing it are pretty much endless. Which may be why it's my favorite genre of all time.

Other than these criteria, the mark of a really good book for me hangs on writing style. I love books like Jane Eyre that have really boring plot lines, and yet are still so engaging to read you can't put them down- like you don't even CARE what's happening. Words that fit well together and paint pictures so vivid you feel like you're there. That is what I aspire to be able to do someday.

In conclusion, if you have not yet read the book Red Sails to Capri, go out and buy yourself a copy right now and read the whole entire thing, and you will know exactly what I mean. :-)


"Well" -Angelo looked around him- "do we start or don't we? Or perhaps we are waiting for Pietro's donkeys?" He picked up a large lunch basket and put it into one of the boats.
Michele stared at the basket. Was it really filled with rocks, as his mother had promised? Suddenly he realized that he had had nothing to eat since Saturday evening. Now it was noon on Sunday. Michele thought of his morning. He had run from the inn to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to Pietro's house; from Pietro's house to the top of the mountain; from the top of the mountain to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to the Grande Marina. He was sure he had never been so hungry in all his life.
"Papa?"
"Yes, Michele?"
"What's in the basket?"
"I don't know, Michele. Your mother handed it to me just as we were leaving. I haven't had time to look inside."
"Papa, may I look and see?"
"Look, look! Of course you can look. But you know what your mother said- a basketful of rocks."
Michele lifted the white cloth that covered the basket and peered inside: fresh bread and cheese, smoked fish and olives, grapes and oranges.
"Papa? Look!"
Signor Pagano lifted the white cloth as Michele had done.
"Michele," he said slowly, "I think Mamma understands after all."

it is well

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but in whole
Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

I absolutley love those four lines right there, from the Hymn "Peace Like A River." I have no idea what I believe about God's mystifying love or how much responsibility man has in salvation, but I do know this: Underneath all the layers of self-preservation and apathy and selfishness, something in me is being pulled out of myself in an inexplicable love for my Savior. This love spends so much time burried, but there are moments- like when I read the lines of this hymn- that there is absolutely nothing else on this earth that matters. I would die to have those words upheld as the truth.

I wish this love was more constant and steady, and less of a fits-and-starts sort of thing. But I'm trying to bring myself back to the very basics of what it means to be a child of the Most High and just sit there in the palm of His hand, basking in the light that comes off His very face. And in Him was life, and that life was the light of men. Without this light I am in darkness.

I really need to keep that front and center these days.

I thought I'd also let you all know that it's Costa Rica I'm thinking of going to, not Puerto Rico. I don't know why I thought it was Puerto Rico before, it was never actually Puerto Rico... hahaha, silly, I know.

Also, my parents seem to be okay with me going to Costa Rico. This is huge. I'm honestly surprised they're even taking it seriously. My mom even ordered a Spanish CD that I needed and my sister is learning Spanish with me. People at church are being really surprisingly supportive and excited for me too.

So while it's been less than a week since I started considering this option, and I still don't know if I'm even going to go, I'm already starting to panic a little. I just keep thinking about all the things that would have to come together in such a relatively short amount of time for this to happen, and I'm afraid I've set my heart on going way too much. I need a job, I need a passport, I need to be able to communicate in a foreign language, I need a referense letter, I need to learn about Costa Rica, I need to be staying healthy... I kind of think about these things in a vicious cycle all day long and this knot of worry is growing in the pit of my stomach quite unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I really need to pray and trust God about all this.

I've been thinking a lot about identity and how I'm twenty years old and still have no idea, really, who I am- other than what I read in personality books. But this is beginning to feel like me. Like beyond being an extroverted-abstract-feeler-perceiver, beyond being the oldest Watts, member of Emmanuel, and former homeschooler, I could be the girl who goes to other countries, works with kids, and writes books about what I learn. As my personality book says, ENFP's can go one of two ways- they can either turn in on themselves and go sour, or they can become champions in their fields. Of course, this isn't about me. This is about helping others and giving of my time to FORGET myself- letting God be big while I am SMALL, as Pastor Harris would say. But at the same time, I feel like this is exactly what I need to go through in order to cross the bridge to adulthood. I guess we'll see if this is just my idea, or God's too.

day 11

Earlier today I emailed an orphanage in Puerto Rico asking if they could use me as a year-long volunteer starting early 2011. And also today, they emailed back:

Dear Emily,

Blessings from Roblealto!

Thank you so much for your email and for your interest in giving us a helping hand. Volunteers are a very important part of our ministry and they are welcome all year through. We have had volunteers for even more than a year, so it is an option in our programs.

The first step will be for you to fill out the application attached. Please send it back to me as soon as you have it ready so we will have enough time to coordinate your time in Roblealto.

About your lodging question, individual volunteers can stay in one of our homes. At our shelter we have 8 homes, with 10 children in each, foster parents and their biological children. The mothers love to have volunteers with them as they need a lot of assistance. I think this will be a perfect position for you since you like to work with kids and help in whatever you can. Volunteers give a $20 offering per day; in your case I think we can evaluate the time of your stay to come up with an offering that won’t be overwhelming since you are coming by yourself.

Once again, thank you for considering Roblealto within your plans. May the Lord guide every step of the way during the coordination process.

I feel overwhealmed by just how perfect this all seems to be. I mean, the Roblealto Child Care Association is a mission which works primarily with kids, and in the last couple of months I've been working a lot with kids and realizing I love it and don't ever want to stop. Today and Yesterday I've been kind of bonkers with this Puerto Rico thing, but I'm trying to stay objective and consider all my options. I just never really expected the first place I tried to be so receptive and to actually want to hear back from me, to work with me like this.

Whatever I end up doing, I'm trying to make myself realize that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Learning the language, traveling alone, being isolated from all my friends and family, culture shock, harsh weather conditions, huge bugs, a lot of hard work. It's going to take an incredible amount of self-dicipline, a quality that I've only recently begun to develop in miniscule proportions. Honestly, I'm not even sure I can handle devoting myself to studdying another language for the next few months. I'm anxious to see if I can stand up to all this, and wondering how on earth I can become strong enough spiritually to rely on Him instead of my own strength.

If you want to check out Roblealto, go here.