this place is dead, it echoes through town

What a very strange day. I wish could write better poetry- it allows for more complaining without looking selfish. Not that I necessarily want to complain about anything specific, but I do feel generally sorry for myself, as I suppose we all do at times. I long for the transparancy that would allow me to share my burdens with others, but... sometimes I feel like those others all have other others. I'm tired of always feeling like the burden in the relationship, even if that's not how it really is.

the friendship we made
is a waste of our time
there's no one left here
to show a future that's kind
it's a world of hate
gone incredibly wrong
we cared to late
we just followed along

I'm beginning to realize that I am the sort of person who is constantly restless, and yet strangely terrified of change. It keeps me constantly complaining and never doing anything about it. Tonight my disatisfaction with myself and my circumstances are almost overbearing. I really, really want to go to Hatti sometime next quarter, or in truth anywhere that's not here where my restless hands could be given something to do- but the chances that I'll be able to get the money are about zero to none. And if I can't do that I'd like to finish school, but that's out too, again because of money. So what does that leave me with? Getting a job and living at home with my parents, until... what?! My skin starts to crawl just thinking about it- not that there's anything too terrible about jobs or parents, but I'm dying to DO something moving in a direction.

the ash set in and blew away
it's getting lost into the sea
i grew so close to all the thoughts I had to leave forever
I left the chill and voice and screams of kids and ran for shelter

Please, somebody, give me the lecture on contentment I need- or just yell at me for being so emo and ridiculous. That would be heavenly at the moment. Do you ever feel like you don't even want to find the silver linning? Well, if anyone can build the transition between wallowing in misery to that piercing ray of hope, it's Angels and Airwaves.

I wanna have the same last dream again
the one where I wake up, and I'm alive
just as the four walls close me within
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight
I'm the first to know, my dearest friends
even if your hope has burned with time
everything that's touched will be re-grown
and your vicious pain your warning sign
you will be fine

words, beauty, and Christ

my words weigh heavy on the alter
breathing in and out with the breath of deceit
each ragged gasp begging for life
from a mistress who has come to loath them
oh how empty you seem now!
lying there where I have left you
where someday I will slay you
once you have exausted yourselves in empty servitude
I will snuff out your life breath
and live forever in silence
as self-punishment for the ugliness you have conjured
for yes, it will hurt me
to plunge the knife into your beating hearts
for oh how I love the sound of your voices
each one of you gleaming on slippery tongues
spilling out over one another
in empty, worthless measures of meaning
which exist in noise and letters
and nothing more
let that be your deathblow, oh empty words of mine
nothing more than waves and letters
in the crucible of time
and I would but do without you
if I only could
if only there were ways to silence
the heart cry from which you birth
for killing you will not stop the pain
which makes your emptness spill forth
oh words, how I wish I could hate you
and be done
but instead I must turn on ugliness
rising up inside me, turning heads away
and while I stand boldly
stripped of finary
before Him whos beauty cannot be told
I blush to step before the ranks of the condemned
who cannot know the half of my scars
and who bear them yet themselves
I would flee from their critical eyes
and blame my words for making me foolish
before turning to face the living mirror
where a picture so horrid awaits
my heart would long for the bleeding of words
upon an alter
so beautiful would it be
when compared with the face
that I see there

going to the chappel

Well, Verya has requested a wedding post, which I will be hard pressed to give because no amount of pictures, words, or stories could ever capture that day sufficiently. I mean, it was beautiful because two people were giving their lives to each other, and it was a lot of fun because I knew almost everyone there and it felt like we were all in it together- we'd all had a piece in the process which had led Dan and Christina to that day. But I think even more than that, it kind of blew me away how well everything went, even down to ridiculously small details that could have easily gone either way, good or bad. This shouldn't surprise me when I think of all the prayers that went into it, but it was amazingly faith-strengthening to see so many of them were answered one after another, on top of each other, all around us. I don't think there can be any question that God has chosen to bless Dan and Christina very richly, and that's so incredible to see.

Some of my favorite moments were: watching the flower girl get her hair done (she never lets anyone do her hair, but she sat perfectly still for the hairstylist, allbeit with a very troubled expression on her two-year-old face), trying to figure out exactly which car the bride and groom would be leaving in with the ushers so we could decorate it, the dollar dance (Carolyn and I cut a dollar in two and made Dan dance with both of us at once), the father daughter dance (closest I came to crying all night), and making eye contact with a beaming Aunt Jackie during the ceremony. Oh, and also the clean up party after the bride and groom had taken off. I was expecting it to be a huge chore, but so many people stayed to help it was done in no time.

With the wedding on Saturday and valentiens day on Sunday I thought I would be a pretty lonely gal by Monday, but I never really got the chance. The wedding party and a few other people went over to the Villa's after the wedding and played cards, and then Sunday afternoon a few of us hung out at the church and learned (kind of) a hymn in four-part harmony. Honestly, what's a relationship to a room full of friends?

So that was my weekend, and now I have to go back to school in twenty minutes. I don't know how I'm going to stand it. At the beginnings of such weekends, I always feel too tired and irritable to see anyone, and all I want to do is sit in my room and go on facebook or watch movies. But once I'm there, the more time I spend with people the more alive I feel, the more my priorities fall into place and the less sleep I need. I really think if I was able to live and work with my closest friends all the time, I'd never need to sleep or eat at all. You know what I mean?

Unfotunutly this is not reality, and as reality and I have never gotten along very well, today I expect a few particularly lively disagreements between he and I on the subject of contentment.

the people follow the signs, and syncronize in time

I'm just a little big caught in the middle
life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
can't do it alone- I've tried
and I don't know why

slow it down
make it stop
or else my heart is going to pop
because it's too much
yeah it's alot
to be something I'm not

I'm a fool out of love
cuz I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
can't do it alone- I've tried
and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared, but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

the sun is hot
in the sky
just like a giant spot light
the people follow the signs
and syncronize in time
it's a joke
nobody knows
they got a ticket to the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
can't do it alone- I've tried
and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared, but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
oh just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
can't do it alone- I've tried
and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out- it's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

dum de dum, da dum di dum
just enjoy the show
la dum de dum, la da dum di dum
just enjoy the show
I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show
I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
just enjoy the show

Finally, a song that meets me where I'm at. Lately I almost don't even like listening to music because everything is either a love song or a whinny my-life-is-awful song, neither of which apply here. This song succeeds- and it has snaps in it, which is so 50's and totally gives today's handclap trend a run for it's money. :-)

On one hand I feel so incredibly blessed and happy about everything going on lately. Here I am in college, living a part of my life I've been dreaming about since forever, and it's actually even better than I imagined. Every day I see tons of amazing people and I get to go to school with my sister and cousin, both of whom are becoming such incredible people and I feel so privilaged to have them in my lives... especially Liz because we've never been close before. I'm learning about music and writing and I'm actually having to work hard to get what I want, which is something I'm very thankful for.

Also, and this is something incredibly hard to express, but I guess to put it simply I've got Christ. I know that if it wern't for that one factor I would be pretty unhappy with my life right now, but He really does provide such an incredible amount of strength and grace... I don't know how unbelievers do it! I feel like there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that can shake this incomprehensible joy that He plants in my heart. I look things in the eye now with a strength entierly outside of me... it's so mind blowing, so humbling to realize how absolutly little this has to do with anything I'm doing right or wrong! I guess these things have always been more or less true for me, but lately I feel in some way that God has swooped down to the very threshold of my existence- as though this is one of those points where there would be only one set of footsteps in the sand because He was carrying me rather than walking beside me. I really CAN'T do it alone, though I have tried.

On the other hand, as ridiculous as it is for there to even BE cons when Christ is among the pros, but I'm still human- I totally relate to the line I want my money back, right down to the humorous, slightly sarcastic tone of it. Looking back just a few years I was so excited to grow up and enjoy the show of life going on around me. Now I feel like it's all a big letdown in so many ways. Of course this all has to do with sin and the fact that the real treasure isn't in this world at all, but these things are still hard to get a handle on. It's amazing how much life promises for so little return, isn't it? Careers, hobies, good times, friendships, love- each one has turned out to be disapointing in one way or another. Sometimes I get so discouraged, like life isn't a show at all, it's more like a list of chores.

It's just, when you get down to it, people are so ridiculous, so ugly in some ways... though I know that's a terribly pesimistic way of looking at it. We're all just bags of skin filled with water and bones and such, we all just go about doing ordinary things most of the time. The quality of life is so uncomfortable, when we're stuck feeling first too hot and then too cold, too tired and then too restless, all the while having to go about our regular days regardless. Emotions themselves are a trick because they're just chemicals fiering according to predictable patterns in your brain... what good can they do anyone? And yet all I want is to FEEL something, I chase down those emotions as though they can give some power of meaning to the things I do. It's all very strange and I don't know if I'm making sense anymore, but that's the closest I can come.

In the end of the day, there's a sense in which we are also miraculously beautiful, all of us, in that we're different and we breathe in air and can be filled with joy at something as simple as sunshine or driving with the windows rolled down. I mean, how ridiculous is that? And even the manifestations of joy in our faces, our body language, the way we can use actual WORDS to make it evident- even the compulsive impulse to express ourselves in the first place- it's all so remarkable. There are newaunces to life that make it so compleatly worth it, even if they arn't quite the things I thought they were at first. So maybe there's some truth to the idea of just sitting back and enjoying the show. Just talking about these things, writing it out and seeing that I can sort of understand it, makes me want to keep going to see if I can understand whatever is around the next bend.

it's a joke
nobody knows
they got a ticket to the show

effectual doing

Last night I started reading a book my friend Carolyn gave me for Christmas called His Chosen Bride. There was a quote in the author's note that jumped out at me- I don't have it with me right now so I can't quote it word for word, but the essense was, "No matter how together you seem to be on the outside, it's where you are with God in your heart that really counts." (It didn't sound that cheesy when the author said it, btw.)

As seemingly obvious as that concept is, it set thinking about how obsessed I've become with looking like a good Christian, and how much stock I put in a few very small things about my life that are more or less in place, especially when I compare myself to others, which is terrible. Then I stumbled upon this passage in James:

"For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of a person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." (James 1:23-27)

I just thought that was a really good reminder right in line with what I'd read in my book. It's really easy to have a lot of fancy religion in the head, without any of it actually reaching my lifestyle.

oh oh oh, this is a brand new day

Humm, lets see. I haven't posted in a while because I've run out of interesting/insightful things to share with you all, and I don't have much time. But now that I'm stuck at work with nothing to do, I might as well tell you all the details about my super-exciting life, because I know you're just dying to hear them. Right? Okay, moving right along...

So school this quarter is going really well. I actually like all three of my teachers. English 101 is one of the hardest classes I've ever taken at the community college, which is ridiculous. Still, it's much better than the communist-feminist-wicken teacher I had before that didn't teach us a thing about actual writing. Then there's my speech class, which is taught by my incredibly awesome advisor. I'm doing all my speeches on personality types and I'm excited to get back into that whole thing again. Last is a history class with my favorite teacher, who is from Bolivia or something like that and hates communism so much that it's pretty much the application of every single lesson, regardless of where we are on the globe or timeline.

Work, however, is not so good. It's actually looking like I may have to look for a new job soon, which would be a bummer because this job is so amazingly flexible and I pretty much love everything about it. For now I'm working about an hour a day, which of course isn't enough. The upside is I have a lot more free time to spend writing.

Now for the really exciting news- my choir may be putting on a musical Spring quarter, and if we do, I get to write it. I think it largely just depends on me getting it done in time. I can't reveal what it's about, but I can reveal that it will be an awesome colaborative effort totally worth comming to see. If it happens!

Choir this quarter is the biggest it's ever been. And I have at least four people from choir in every one of my classes. We're kind of like a cult that's taking over campus now- groups of us are everywhere you go, singing and talking and getting way too involved in one another's personal lives. Sitll, it's awesome. :-)

Irish dance is just irish dance. I'm kind of tired of it and seem to be getting worse rather than better over time. I'm sure I'll enjoy it more when we start performing again.

At church everything seems to be focused on the up-and-comming wedding. I seem to be unreasonably emotional about this whole thing. Part of it is just that someone is getting married and it's not me, part of it is loosing Christina, and part of it is just that I hate change and things certainly are changing in our little group at church. But the most important thing is Christina is really happy and two people are getting married in a beautiful, God-glorifying way. So I'm trying to just focus on that and celebrate with them.

Other than all of that, I am spending a lot of time on my new laptop. Things are much easier when you have the internet always right in front of you. And it gives me a lot more to do with my down time which makes me a much happier person. For example, I'm becomming an expert at solitaire, and I'm sure this is a great life skill to have somehow.

I think that pretty much covers me in every possible chatagory right now. This is Emily Watts, signing off...

MLIA of the day

Since I seem to be incapable of writing anything of value anymore (well, other than the two manuscripts and the ridiculous amount of English homwork I'm working on every day) I'll just share my favorite MyLifeIsAverage.com post. Enjoy!

"A few weeks ago I was seeing New Moon with me sister. I finally witnessed proof that Twilight fans are the dumbest people alive. Some girls had painted their faces, and they had clearly been using a mirror, as one had the word "twilight" written backwards across her forehead."