it seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know

Lately I've started to be worried about church and God and stuff. I'm worried that I have closed myself in too much with my religion- that really, the idea of God is much broader than I like to think. What I mean by this is all the rules that we follow. I understand why it is that we don't have a worship band, and I support my church on that decision, but sometimes it bothers me that I would be uncomforatable letting go before God, really worshiping Him to the reckless abandon of other people's opinions. And I think about gospel chiors and churches that are big on the "Amens" and "Praise the Lords," and how I've always said that kind of thing just fed the emotions. But now I'm starting to think that maybe emotions are a big part of worship, and maybe my faith would be stronger if I could claim that kind of vivid interaction with God on a weekly basis.

I know people will say that you should be able to worship God just as vividly during the dryest hymn without any accompanyment whatsoever, but I am starting to doubt that this is true. Certain things stir up our emotions- we were created that way. And if a moving piece of music combined with powerful lyrics (throw out the repetative, me-centered praise songs, please) could help to break through the clouds that always seem to exist between God and I, then maybe that's a good thing.

Sure, the emotions will wear off. But hopefully the relationship you develop with God during those intimate, emotionally charged moments would stay the same. Just like human relationships.

But this is getting more technical than I intended it too- really, I'm just craving the oporotunity to worship God with everything in me, my body and my voice and my heart as well as my mind. Come to think of it the same concept applies to the idea of God speaking to individuals or even just moving in their hearts in ways that are too esoterical to pin down in precise terms. I don't exactly think God speaks to us anymore in actual voices or that he gives people the ability to prophesy (wow, I can NOT figure out how to spell that), but maybe He does work more personally and mysteriously than I am sometimes willing to allow for. I don't like that I've closed my mind to the possibility that God could ever give me a strong feeling that I need to do this or talk to someone or whatever it is. Of course I'm walking a very fine line here, and I know that.

Moving on, I worry a lot about the different faces different people put on God. Sometimes talking with other people even in my own church I realize that the God they pray to has a totally different personality than the God I pray to. It's somewhat comforting to realize that God is a complex being with many, many different sides to Him, and even when I have only learned to recognize or worship one or two sides of him, He is still faithfull to deal with me according to all the other sides. He doesn't cut me off to say, "that's not really me you're talking to, stop making up some idea of me in your head that doesn't exist." He accepts my praise and worship, even if I'm only grasping at one corner of his existance. Which is amazing, because if someone understood me so incompletely I would feel very frusterated with their attempts to admire or love me.

Part of the problem might be that God can exist in these duplicities that we humans can't comprehend- He can be terrifying and gentle all in one instant, just as he can die for the sinners who in other passages he claims to abhor. We can only focus on one of these attributes at a time, when really they only make sense as a condusive whole.

I do think it's really dangerous to become too convinced that I know what God is like, instead of keeping and open mind and trying to learn more about him all the time. That's the part that bothers me, in myself as well as in others.

On a slightly more personal level, I have been feeling really alone lately. Even though I'm surrounded by people all the time, I'm never quite a part of it the way I used to be. I keep floating back in my mind to all these groups that I've been a part of that were the world to me, starting with the Camp Hopies, and then my co-op friends, and then the Boyds, and then the Mississippi group last year. And now everyone is splintered and being pulled in different dirrections. People feel sorry for me a lot lately and try to talk to me to make me feel better, but what I really want is one person that I can always count on to be there no matter what. Someone that I can email sixty times a week and chat online all the time and call on the phone and hang out with after school. What I really want, I suppose, is a husband- but I'm not anywhere near ready for that. I've almost always had one person like that in my life, and now I find myself automatically sidling up to different people, testing out the waters to see if maybe this could be that person. But it never is.

And I think I know why. I think God is trying to teach me not just to be content in any situation, which I certainly am learning, but to go to HIM with my problems. I am terrible about this. My first reaction is to tell a friend, or post a blog, and if that doesn't work I'll eat a big bowl of ice cream or go get a mocha or flop down in front of the TV. I never believe that praying will actually help. It's always an after thought. But when I'm more or less alone like I am right now, I find myself driven to God in desperation- and I'm always shocked by how well it works. It's very faith-strengthening. And I'm learning, slowly, to go to Him as a FIRST reaction instead of waiting until there's no where else to go.

I am also learning that life is much more than relationships. I mean, there is only so much a friendship or a relationship can do for you. In the end of the day we're all kind of alone, we have to find our own ways of dealing with things and comming to rest with reality. We can only know one another to this very limited extent, even in marriage or the closest parent-child relationship in the world. Very interesting to someone like me who always thought relationships were the most important, deep and fufilling thing in the world.

I guess I'm trying to rival Kacy for blog post length today. But one more thing. I am SO confused about what to do with my life. I feel like I have to make a decision right now, but there are so many variables that could change any time. Things I want to accomplish:

1. Get my AA
2. Go to a university and learn more about music and litterature
3. Go to Africa and be a missionary
4. Go to New York and be a nanny
5. Be in some plays, preferably as a dancer and/or part of the chorus
6. Write a book

And I tend to think all of this has to happen before I get married. If I don't get married, I have no idea how I will occupy myself after all of this is done. If I do, I don't know how I'll satisfy myself with not "living my dreams" or whatever. So please pray that direction would come to me as I need it. Right now I'm pretty absolutely convinced that I need to finish my AA, which is looking like it's going to be another three quarters at least. (Yuck!!) So I keep reminding myself not to get restless, but to devote myself to the task God has given me for right now. After that, it's gonna be harder.

I hate that I'm such a late bloomer and I'm just now figuring out how to actually accomplish things. A lot of people have like all of those things done by the time they are my age.

Oh well. I gotta go fold t-shirts now. And then, off to chior to do some CHOREOGRAPHY!!