tell me something new, forget about the sunshine when it's gone

I'm so tired right now, I just want to fall into that sweet oblivian of sleep. Lately I haven't been dreaming, just sleeping soundly as though none of the events going on in my life have any affect on me in the least. I'm like a pebble someone threw into a creek, so rough around the edges at first that the water had to fight and sputter and sprout just to get around me. But now the water has worn me smooth as glass and it flows around me so easily I hardly notice it at all.

Then sometimes there are these massive waves that uproot me entierly, and I'm tumbling headlong through bubbles and whirlpools and scattered patches of shadow and light.

I've been thinking a lot about the future these days. I'm really excited for it. I've finally overcome my fear of getting older- I'm trully excited to be fifty and have children and grandchildren and a whole lifetime of God's love to bask in and reflect on. I'm not afraid of being alone, either. I think it's going to be great, no matter what happens. I've got plans, ideas, tangable things within my grasp that I just have to reach out and take.

But sometimes I think I'm getting too confident, too independent, too eager. I mean, who do I think I am? I'm just one tiny little person, I can only do so much, and I'm always so tired and depressed. Why am I dying to get out of here, away from the people, the places, the pastimes that are safe, secure, permenant? I'm so afraid that God's going to knock me down and make me fill that little space where He is supposed to be glorified, and maybe that's actually His will for me. Maybe I'm wrong to fight against that- trying to defy gravity.

I don't know, I think I'm talking nonsense at this point, but I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, God does want us each to be the best that we can be- that somehow, he can be glorified and I can vanquish pride and vanity while shining brightly, like the city on the hill that cannot be hidden. Does any of this make any sense?

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?