Oh, life.

Oh, words. How can I attempt to capture the two of you and tie you together? The longer I go persuing accomplishment, success, and action, the furthur away I get from understanding the big picture. With less time to think, perspective quickly warps. No matter how much I tell myself that what I'm doing counts as life, it never feels that way.

What I'm trying to say is, I've been working long hours at a temporary job this week which eats up all but three hours of my day. I love having stuff to do and this job is INCREDIBLE, but I honestly don't know how some people go through their days without ever stopping to process what's going on. I haven't done any writing in something like a week! My life slowly starts to feel like it isn't happening when I go without writing. I feel as though I can have all these amazing experiences, but they won't last if I don't write. Moments start to disapear the second they pass, and I'm running around frantically scooping them up and stuffing them in my overflowing pockets, but it's no use because there's no time to go home and sort them out. They'll just end up crumbled and covered in lint like yesterday's cookies.

Not that I ever really write down play-by-play exactly what's going on in my oh-so-exciting life, but I write stories and thoughts, and somehow time and memories and feelings get stuck with those words and I can always remember them that way. I don't really know why that's so important, but it is. Makes me feel like I am something other than a random body in a random place doing random things.

Having long ago decided that "figuring out who you are" is a bogus concept, I've been trying for the last several years to figure out who I want to be, or rather who God wants me to be. I submit to you that this is something that needs to be constantly open for re-evaluation. It's not like you can figure out one direction and then run in that direction with blinders on for the rest of your life. But it has occured to me lately that it's one thing to know what you need to be and can be, and another thing alltogether to actually live up to it.

Of course, this is a rather optimistic way of viewing things- assuming that the real version of ourselves is the good version. But there is a sense in which this is true, and in which even the best versions of ourselves have to face their own particular demons. I just wish I could be that person all the time, even with it's downfalls and weaknesses. I wish I could be marvelously, purely SOMETHING. Selfish and petty, isn't it? But these are the thoughts that are on my mind today, as I wait for things to get crazy and wish that I had a camera to make a picture post. The end!