Today was a really amazing day. I'm so glad it started trully raining again, the washington kind that smells like winter with hunched grey clouds. I woke up late, worked out really hard, had tea, ate healthy food and chocolate, and read my incredibly good book. I also had some really good times with my family cleaning the house to the High School Musical soundtrack. It seems that really good times with family are few and far between, so this was awesome!
Then I went to prayer meeting with my sister and sang really loudly in the car. Then I talked to my friend Carolyn on the phone for an hour and attempted to roller blade around a very wet garage, which resulted in one very dramatic fall which Carolyn on the other end of the line didn't even notice. Bahaa! I felt like a ninja.
Now I have stayed up way too late thinking and writing and praying and copying out scriptures, and I'm thinking if I try to write any more my fingers will fall off, or perhaps more likely, I'll start talking nonsense. I want to have another day like today tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that off into infinity.
One last thing before I go: I have a new job at hollister. And I have a new really awesome Spanish program. And I am going to Costa Rica in April, unless God has other plans. I'm really excited.
Was that more than one? See, told you I'd start talking nonsense!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thou from hence my all shalt be
This week has been incredibly hard for me.
It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.
I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.
Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.
First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!
Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.
I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.
I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.
This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.
Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:
Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!
It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.
I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.
Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.
First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!
Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.
I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.
I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.
This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.
Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:
Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
10 things I want you to know
1. If you put half and half in a starbucks instant iced coffee drink, you will have a near-perfect mocha for a fraction of the price and calories.
2. This summer has been a crazy roller coaster, but I'm not getting off yet.
3. Nothing is just a thing if you look at it in terms of potential. It's fun. Just try it sometime.
4. Jeremiah 29:13 and Psalm 119:8 have a really good point about seeking God, not with your whole strength or mind or energy, but with your HEART. Pastor Martin was right when he said that we can have our doctrine spot-on and still not have God with us if we're not doing this.
5. It was really, really hard for me not to go to Camp Hope! But I was brave and did it.
6. I worked for one whole day at a warehouse in Auburn on Monday as a temp. And that has been the extent of my working experience in the last six months. But after VBS is done, I hope to work a lot more.
7. VBS stuff has been hard for me because I'm directing a play and I hate being in charge.
8. It is SUNNY today, and therefore everything is GREAT!
9. God's work is often the most unrewarding you could possibly do. You go around planting seeds and rarely if ever see even the first sprouts of a tree growing. You work and work to set something up and for whatever reason, no one comes. It's the strangest thing and totally unexpected to me. Kind of makes me reconsider why we do this stuff in the first place- because God said so, or because we want to see exciting things happen in our names?
10. Lindy makes the best hard boiled eggs imaginable.
2. This summer has been a crazy roller coaster, but I'm not getting off yet.
3. Nothing is just a thing if you look at it in terms of potential. It's fun. Just try it sometime.
4. Jeremiah 29:13 and Psalm 119:8 have a really good point about seeking God, not with your whole strength or mind or energy, but with your HEART. Pastor Martin was right when he said that we can have our doctrine spot-on and still not have God with us if we're not doing this.
5. It was really, really hard for me not to go to Camp Hope! But I was brave and did it.
6. I worked for one whole day at a warehouse in Auburn on Monday as a temp. And that has been the extent of my working experience in the last six months. But after VBS is done, I hope to work a lot more.
7. VBS stuff has been hard for me because I'm directing a play and I hate being in charge.
8. It is SUNNY today, and therefore everything is GREAT!
9. God's work is often the most unrewarding you could possibly do. You go around planting seeds and rarely if ever see even the first sprouts of a tree growing. You work and work to set something up and for whatever reason, no one comes. It's the strangest thing and totally unexpected to me. Kind of makes me reconsider why we do this stuff in the first place- because God said so, or because we want to see exciting things happen in our names?
10. Lindy makes the best hard boiled eggs imaginable.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Hello, somewhat (but mostly not) sunny August. Thanks for not burning us out yet, although I won't complain if you decide to get a little warmer from here on out. I'm just saying...
I've been having a summerish summer, what with endless family stuff at the beginning and endless friend stuff for the last several weeks. Barbaques, card nights, hikes, girl sleepovers, river days, party crashing, road trips- the usual. These things smell and taste and look like summer, and it's got this addictive, sedative feeling about it that makes me want to freeze everything right here and never grow a day older.
On the other hand, I'm never out of borring stuff that has to get done, none of which ever seems to propell me forward. So maybe I'm getting my wish and being stuck in time. But it almost makes me want to go BACK in time to when everything was exciting and interesting in-the-moment, when my whole mind belonged to the present instead of worrying and wondering about what it all meant and weather or not I was making a difference or a lasting mark on my surroundings.
But here I am, living and breathing and fully ME. I can't be any less me then I am right now, I don't think. Constantly working on changing, reforming, and pushing that me to be more, I have at least I've arrived at the point where I know who I am. I may one day be more comfortable with strangers, more confident in my own shoes, more sure of what I want, less stuck on getting my way, less emotional, less reactive, less hard-nosed and up-tight.
I've been having a summerish summer, what with endless family stuff at the beginning and endless friend stuff for the last several weeks. Barbaques, card nights, hikes, girl sleepovers, river days, party crashing, road trips- the usual. These things smell and taste and look like summer, and it's got this addictive, sedative feeling about it that makes me want to freeze everything right here and never grow a day older.
On the other hand, I'm never out of borring stuff that has to get done, none of which ever seems to propell me forward. So maybe I'm getting my wish and being stuck in time. But it almost makes me want to go BACK in time to when everything was exciting and interesting in-the-moment, when my whole mind belonged to the present instead of worrying and wondering about what it all meant and weather or not I was making a difference or a lasting mark on my surroundings.
But here I am, living and breathing and fully ME. I can't be any less me then I am right now, I don't think. Constantly working on changing, reforming, and pushing that me to be more, I have at least I've arrived at the point where I know who I am. I may one day be more comfortable with strangers, more confident in my own shoes, more sure of what I want, less stuck on getting my way, less emotional, less reactive, less hard-nosed and up-tight.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thought:
There is a tremendous difference between a satisfied concience and a satisfied God.
I think this could radically change every part of my life if I let it. I'm realizing that SO much of what I do- from trying to eat healthy to going on a mission trip next year- is to satisfy my concience. But my concience is weak and satisfied with the bare minimum. So long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I feel okay about myself.
But the truth is, what it takes to trully live in a completely God-glorifying way is beyond anyone's ability to accomplish, which means we should never really stop pushing past what we feel is enough. Kind of like the way Paul lived, all the time.
I'm wondering how many people persue good things just looking for a life of ease of concience, and then are content only to work in the smallest of capasities once they get there. Not that there is no place for behind-the-scenes workers, and not that there are any jobs less important or God-glorifying than others. But being content just to exist without being ready to do whatever is most needed of you really shouldn't be an option.
This has been really convicting to me, and I certainly didn't come up with it myself so I thought maybe y'all could get some good out of it too.
I think this could radically change every part of my life if I let it. I'm realizing that SO much of what I do- from trying to eat healthy to going on a mission trip next year- is to satisfy my concience. But my concience is weak and satisfied with the bare minimum. So long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I feel okay about myself.
But the truth is, what it takes to trully live in a completely God-glorifying way is beyond anyone's ability to accomplish, which means we should never really stop pushing past what we feel is enough. Kind of like the way Paul lived, all the time.
I'm wondering how many people persue good things just looking for a life of ease of concience, and then are content only to work in the smallest of capasities once they get there. Not that there is no place for behind-the-scenes workers, and not that there are any jobs less important or God-glorifying than others. But being content just to exist without being ready to do whatever is most needed of you really shouldn't be an option.
This has been really convicting to me, and I certainly didn't come up with it myself so I thought maybe y'all could get some good out of it too.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
it's a joke, nobody knows- they got tickets to the show
I've been sitting here looking at some other people's blogs and marveling at the kinds of things they choose to write for the whole world to see. It has occured to me that many will put just the tiniest bit of themselves out there, and not even the most prominent or important bit of themselves. It's just the part that they want to share, the kind of mood or way of thinking that they want to spread around. That seems really nobel and unselfish to me and I kind of wish I could be more like that.
I can never write posts about what I've been doing lately, re-inventing for all of you the blow-by-blow accounts of life as I know it. I get boared, seeing as I already lived it. Here is where I seek to find the meaning behind all that's been happening, and the more personal my struggles are the more philosophical I become, trying to veil the truth in the theoretical.
It really fascinates me to think that we all move around on this plannet doing things and talking about them as though they have face value- when they really don't. I mean, there are very few things in life so all-consuming that they actually get us out of our own heads. And it's the stuff going on in our heads that makes us enjoy one experience over another. The way things make us feel, the associations we have with them, and the things going on under the surface are all way more important than the facts of the experience.
Then again, I don't know if this is true or if I just want it to be true. Maybe we humans are, when you get down to it, pretty much simple creatures who seek out our own comfort and adrenalin rushes and warm weather. Maybe we only hang out with other people because we want to have fun, and then we try to dress it up as something deep and meaningful to feel better about ourselves. Or maybe it's just me that feels a need to dress things up in "meaningful" clothing. Opinions, anyone?
I can never write posts about what I've been doing lately, re-inventing for all of you the blow-by-blow accounts of life as I know it. I get boared, seeing as I already lived it. Here is where I seek to find the meaning behind all that's been happening, and the more personal my struggles are the more philosophical I become, trying to veil the truth in the theoretical.
It really fascinates me to think that we all move around on this plannet doing things and talking about them as though they have face value- when they really don't. I mean, there are very few things in life so all-consuming that they actually get us out of our own heads. And it's the stuff going on in our heads that makes us enjoy one experience over another. The way things make us feel, the associations we have with them, and the things going on under the surface are all way more important than the facts of the experience.
Then again, I don't know if this is true or if I just want it to be true. Maybe we humans are, when you get down to it, pretty much simple creatures who seek out our own comfort and adrenalin rushes and warm weather. Maybe we only hang out with other people because we want to have fun, and then we try to dress it up as something deep and meaningful to feel better about ourselves. Or maybe it's just me that feels a need to dress things up in "meaningful" clothing. Opinions, anyone?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
thoughts on existance
It has been a long day and a long time since I last wrote about anything, so I give you fair warning that this could very well be long and rambling and too philosophical for my own good (or yours). That being said, I have been thinking about the question, "What is it to be human?"
Considering this, I realize I've started in the wrong place in my attempt to question the meaning of life in one all-encompasing breath. To get to the root of the matter, however, I have to step inside my worldview- something I'm learning not to be afraid of doing. So I'll go ahead and ask the question and assume that it's the most fundumental question conserning existance I could ask: "What is it to be God?"
This is a mind-blowing thing to consider, because God is outside everything tangable. In the blank, black canvas of EXISTANCE there is God, and then in a one-inch straight line in the middle of the canvas is Time, in which exists the entirety of humanity and substance. This is easy enough to grasp when using the right imagry, but what happens if you try to take God away? Then existance folds in on it's self and we have to try to imagine that NOTHING ever happened or was. Which is inconceivable to us. So where did God come from? Does He ever wonder how He got there? To be omnicient, He must understand why He exists. And while that's a line of thought I, for one, can't follow through on, it's enough to consider that God relies on nothing to define Himself or His purpose in existing. He is not only self-sustained but self-defining, which I think is interesting, because everything else in the universe is ultimately defined by it's relationship to something greater than it's self.
So what is it to be God? It is, in a word, to self-exist. To be the end of the line of dependency and proof; to be the only thing in the universe that is only dependent on and proven by itself.
On a sidenote, how incredibly blessed are we that this God is wise, just, clear, and good? Had he been any different, the entirety of creation would have been vastly different- He could have made us all so miserable, and yet He chose (and chooses) to self-exist in a way that is beautiful and perfect for the cause of humanity. I find this totally mind-blowing! In a world where evil seems to prevail the vast majority of the time, the ultimate end and beginning of the universe is intrinsically... good. Wow! (I'm not sure that I'm on track here with this line of speculation; it's just a thought- but something to think about for sure.)
That being established, the question of what it is to be human becomes very easy to answer. God created us out of His own self-existance basically because He wanted to- because He decided that existance was good and in line with His character. In that sense, humans do serve a purpose just by existing. This includes both those who live for Christ and those who don't.
I'm really, really thankful, however, that my ultimate purpose in life is not just to exist. Because if that's the case, I may as well park myself on the couch and do nothing for the rest of my life. But this is not the case. I was called out of many, for reasons infathomable to me, to live a higher life with a higher purpose- glorifying God not just with my existance but with my heart, my soul, and my strength. To do this, I have to be working constantly within the framework of truth provided by the Bible- working to sharpen my capacities so that I can live better for Christ in every conceivable areana of life. And I've got to do this with the reckless abandon that shows I really believe it is THE only purpose to existing.
So in answer to the original question, to be human is just to exist. To be a Christian, that is to exist with purpose- one that will take a lifetime to fufill. At that, I can only marvel at the goodness of God and the beauty of the task before me.
I recently found a passage in Jeremiah in which the prophet starts to complain, in a very respectful way, about his life, which is feeling totally devoid of purpose to him. "Woe is me, my mother, that you bore me, a man of strife and contention to the whole land! I have not lent, nor have I borrowed, yet all of them curse me." (15:10) In verse 19, God answers him like this: "If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them."
This was absolutely incredible to me because it was as though God was saying, "Cheer up, your life is full of purpose. You are my servant, what could be more purposeful than that?"
So true, isn't it?
Considering this, I realize I've started in the wrong place in my attempt to question the meaning of life in one all-encompasing breath. To get to the root of the matter, however, I have to step inside my worldview- something I'm learning not to be afraid of doing. So I'll go ahead and ask the question and assume that it's the most fundumental question conserning existance I could ask: "What is it to be God?"
This is a mind-blowing thing to consider, because God is outside everything tangable. In the blank, black canvas of EXISTANCE there is God, and then in a one-inch straight line in the middle of the canvas is Time, in which exists the entirety of humanity and substance. This is easy enough to grasp when using the right imagry, but what happens if you try to take God away? Then existance folds in on it's self and we have to try to imagine that NOTHING ever happened or was. Which is inconceivable to us. So where did God come from? Does He ever wonder how He got there? To be omnicient, He must understand why He exists. And while that's a line of thought I, for one, can't follow through on, it's enough to consider that God relies on nothing to define Himself or His purpose in existing. He is not only self-sustained but self-defining, which I think is interesting, because everything else in the universe is ultimately defined by it's relationship to something greater than it's self.
So what is it to be God? It is, in a word, to self-exist. To be the end of the line of dependency and proof; to be the only thing in the universe that is only dependent on and proven by itself.
On a sidenote, how incredibly blessed are we that this God is wise, just, clear, and good? Had he been any different, the entirety of creation would have been vastly different- He could have made us all so miserable, and yet He chose (and chooses) to self-exist in a way that is beautiful and perfect for the cause of humanity. I find this totally mind-blowing! In a world where evil seems to prevail the vast majority of the time, the ultimate end and beginning of the universe is intrinsically... good. Wow! (I'm not sure that I'm on track here with this line of speculation; it's just a thought- but something to think about for sure.)
That being established, the question of what it is to be human becomes very easy to answer. God created us out of His own self-existance basically because He wanted to- because He decided that existance was good and in line with His character. In that sense, humans do serve a purpose just by existing. This includes both those who live for Christ and those who don't.
I'm really, really thankful, however, that my ultimate purpose in life is not just to exist. Because if that's the case, I may as well park myself on the couch and do nothing for the rest of my life. But this is not the case. I was called out of many, for reasons infathomable to me, to live a higher life with a higher purpose- glorifying God not just with my existance but with my heart, my soul, and my strength. To do this, I have to be working constantly within the framework of truth provided by the Bible- working to sharpen my capacities so that I can live better for Christ in every conceivable areana of life. And I've got to do this with the reckless abandon that shows I really believe it is THE only purpose to existing.
So in answer to the original question, to be human is just to exist. To be a Christian, that is to exist with purpose- one that will take a lifetime to fufill. At that, I can only marvel at the goodness of God and the beauty of the task before me.
I recently found a passage in Jeremiah in which the prophet starts to complain, in a very respectful way, about his life, which is feeling totally devoid of purpose to him. "Woe is me, my mother, that you bore me, a man of strife and contention to the whole land! I have not lent, nor have I borrowed, yet all of them curse me." (15:10) In verse 19, God answers him like this: "If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them."
This was absolutely incredible to me because it was as though God was saying, "Cheer up, your life is full of purpose. You are my servant, what could be more purposeful than that?"
So true, isn't it?
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