o Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
even so it is well with my soul.
I have been thinking a lot about death lately. You know how you can see the same book shelf or stair case a thousand times and never really stop to look at it, until something adrupt draws all your attention to it at once? This is how the idea of death has been with me. We watched the Titanic yesterday and it struck me very potently that death is something that actually happens, not just a device that crops up in stories. Maybe I was just finally old enough to really process what was going on- how many people had to make a choice that day between living and dying.
Putting myself in that position, I try to imagine how difficult it would be to accept the terms of what that decision would mean if I decided to stay on the sinking ship. First there would have to be an acceptance of all the physical pain- the slow process of freezing or the agony of water filling your lungs until at last you loose conciousness. And then you would have to accept that your life was over... that you would never again see this or that person and never accomplish this or that goal. And then you would have to face what was going to happen after death, and suddenly things that are usually spoken of in abstract, behind-the-scenes kind of ways would become tangable issues to grappel with. Weather or not you believed in an afterlife would suddenly become very plain, regardless of how you thought you felt before.
This is the crux of the matter as I've been considering it lately. It's one thing to think of God as the God of life- someone who holds the winds of providence in His hands and twists and turns them together to create the intricate patterns and textures of existance in the realm of the tangable. It's also easy to stow away the idea of God as colateral for the time of death without ever really asking yourself if you trully believe He will be there when the time comes. It's another thing all together to see God as the God of death- the God who suddenly becomes real and fully and undisputably in control the minute life ends.
It's really hard to imagine actually being ready to face that God- not that He will be any different in person than He is now, but the idea of Him will be so much more real and powerful than we can imagine, I'm sure. I'm just imagining the sin, the doubt, the fear, the terrible confusion that could preceed that moment, and then bam- you have crossed that dark river and you find yourself before a perfect God. This puts a whole new spin on the phrase "live like you are dying."
But more than anything, what strikes me about the idea of death is how wonderful it will be to have years of hope, trust, and waiting confirmed the minute your eyelids close in death only to open again on Him. As much as I believe and know that this is what will happen, there will still be something completely overwhealmingly wonderful about knowing it finally, once and for all, with no more room for doubting. The day when "faith will be made sight" has got to be the most rewarding, the most satisfying day of existance... more so then I ever really imagined it could be until now.
These thoughts make me realize: Life is not something to be thrown around recklessly, but neither is it something to be guarded in huddles or small corners. When the worst that you could meet is the best thing that ever happened to you, then really folks, what do we have to loose?
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
I hope that someday I'll see without these frames
Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't so restless and emotional. I wish I could just go through the motions of life calmly and pillow my head at night without having to untangle one day's worth of totally meaningless thoughts. Maybe someday I'll get there. But for now, I feel like such a worthlessly unproductive and empty person- too impatient, too torn, too foolish to actually accomplish anything of true value. I'm tired of empty days and sleepless nights because of the empty days, followed by the whole cycle on repeat. I feel stuck in a vortex, and no matter how hard I try to pretend like I'm moving I know I'm not. I also know God's got a plan and I probably won't be like this forever.
But right now, it's just plain exausting.
But right now, it's just plain exausting.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I am unwritten, the pens in my hand
Today was a really amazing day. I'm so glad it started trully raining again, the washington kind that smells like winter with hunched grey clouds. I woke up late, worked out really hard, had tea, ate healthy food and chocolate, and read my incredibly good book. I also had some really good times with my family cleaning the house to the High School Musical soundtrack. It seems that really good times with family are few and far between, so this was awesome!
Then I went to prayer meeting with my sister and sang really loudly in the car. Then I talked to my friend Carolyn on the phone for an hour and attempted to roller blade around a very wet garage, which resulted in one very dramatic fall which Carolyn on the other end of the line didn't even notice. Bahaa! I felt like a ninja.
Now I have stayed up way too late thinking and writing and praying and copying out scriptures, and I'm thinking if I try to write any more my fingers will fall off, or perhaps more likely, I'll start talking nonsense. I want to have another day like today tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that off into infinity.
One last thing before I go: I have a new job at hollister. And I have a new really awesome Spanish program. And I am going to Costa Rica in April, unless God has other plans. I'm really excited.
Was that more than one? See, told you I'd start talking nonsense!
Then I went to prayer meeting with my sister and sang really loudly in the car. Then I talked to my friend Carolyn on the phone for an hour and attempted to roller blade around a very wet garage, which resulted in one very dramatic fall which Carolyn on the other end of the line didn't even notice. Bahaa! I felt like a ninja.
Now I have stayed up way too late thinking and writing and praying and copying out scriptures, and I'm thinking if I try to write any more my fingers will fall off, or perhaps more likely, I'll start talking nonsense. I want to have another day like today tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that off into infinity.
One last thing before I go: I have a new job at hollister. And I have a new really awesome Spanish program. And I am going to Costa Rica in April, unless God has other plans. I'm really excited.
Was that more than one? See, told you I'd start talking nonsense!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thou from hence my all shalt be
This week has been incredibly hard for me.
It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.
I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.
Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.
First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!
Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.
I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.
I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.
This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.
Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:
Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!
It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.
I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.
Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.
First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!
Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.
I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.
I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.
This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.
Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:
Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
10 things I want you to know
1. If you put half and half in a starbucks instant iced coffee drink, you will have a near-perfect mocha for a fraction of the price and calories.
2. This summer has been a crazy roller coaster, but I'm not getting off yet.
3. Nothing is just a thing if you look at it in terms of potential. It's fun. Just try it sometime.
4. Jeremiah 29:13 and Psalm 119:8 have a really good point about seeking God, not with your whole strength or mind or energy, but with your HEART. Pastor Martin was right when he said that we can have our doctrine spot-on and still not have God with us if we're not doing this.
5. It was really, really hard for me not to go to Camp Hope! But I was brave and did it.
6. I worked for one whole day at a warehouse in Auburn on Monday as a temp. And that has been the extent of my working experience in the last six months. But after VBS is done, I hope to work a lot more.
7. VBS stuff has been hard for me because I'm directing a play and I hate being in charge.
8. It is SUNNY today, and therefore everything is GREAT!
9. God's work is often the most unrewarding you could possibly do. You go around planting seeds and rarely if ever see even the first sprouts of a tree growing. You work and work to set something up and for whatever reason, no one comes. It's the strangest thing and totally unexpected to me. Kind of makes me reconsider why we do this stuff in the first place- because God said so, or because we want to see exciting things happen in our names?
10. Lindy makes the best hard boiled eggs imaginable.
2. This summer has been a crazy roller coaster, but I'm not getting off yet.
3. Nothing is just a thing if you look at it in terms of potential. It's fun. Just try it sometime.
4. Jeremiah 29:13 and Psalm 119:8 have a really good point about seeking God, not with your whole strength or mind or energy, but with your HEART. Pastor Martin was right when he said that we can have our doctrine spot-on and still not have God with us if we're not doing this.
5. It was really, really hard for me not to go to Camp Hope! But I was brave and did it.
6. I worked for one whole day at a warehouse in Auburn on Monday as a temp. And that has been the extent of my working experience in the last six months. But after VBS is done, I hope to work a lot more.
7. VBS stuff has been hard for me because I'm directing a play and I hate being in charge.
8. It is SUNNY today, and therefore everything is GREAT!
9. God's work is often the most unrewarding you could possibly do. You go around planting seeds and rarely if ever see even the first sprouts of a tree growing. You work and work to set something up and for whatever reason, no one comes. It's the strangest thing and totally unexpected to me. Kind of makes me reconsider why we do this stuff in the first place- because God said so, or because we want to see exciting things happen in our names?
10. Lindy makes the best hard boiled eggs imaginable.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Hello, somewhat (but mostly not) sunny August. Thanks for not burning us out yet, although I won't complain if you decide to get a little warmer from here on out. I'm just saying...
I've been having a summerish summer, what with endless family stuff at the beginning and endless friend stuff for the last several weeks. Barbaques, card nights, hikes, girl sleepovers, river days, party crashing, road trips- the usual. These things smell and taste and look like summer, and it's got this addictive, sedative feeling about it that makes me want to freeze everything right here and never grow a day older.
On the other hand, I'm never out of borring stuff that has to get done, none of which ever seems to propell me forward. So maybe I'm getting my wish and being stuck in time. But it almost makes me want to go BACK in time to when everything was exciting and interesting in-the-moment, when my whole mind belonged to the present instead of worrying and wondering about what it all meant and weather or not I was making a difference or a lasting mark on my surroundings.
But here I am, living and breathing and fully ME. I can't be any less me then I am right now, I don't think. Constantly working on changing, reforming, and pushing that me to be more, I have at least I've arrived at the point where I know who I am. I may one day be more comfortable with strangers, more confident in my own shoes, more sure of what I want, less stuck on getting my way, less emotional, less reactive, less hard-nosed and up-tight.
I've been having a summerish summer, what with endless family stuff at the beginning and endless friend stuff for the last several weeks. Barbaques, card nights, hikes, girl sleepovers, river days, party crashing, road trips- the usual. These things smell and taste and look like summer, and it's got this addictive, sedative feeling about it that makes me want to freeze everything right here and never grow a day older.
On the other hand, I'm never out of borring stuff that has to get done, none of which ever seems to propell me forward. So maybe I'm getting my wish and being stuck in time. But it almost makes me want to go BACK in time to when everything was exciting and interesting in-the-moment, when my whole mind belonged to the present instead of worrying and wondering about what it all meant and weather or not I was making a difference or a lasting mark on my surroundings.
But here I am, living and breathing and fully ME. I can't be any less me then I am right now, I don't think. Constantly working on changing, reforming, and pushing that me to be more, I have at least I've arrived at the point where I know who I am. I may one day be more comfortable with strangers, more confident in my own shoes, more sure of what I want, less stuck on getting my way, less emotional, less reactive, less hard-nosed and up-tight.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thought:
There is a tremendous difference between a satisfied concience and a satisfied God.
I think this could radically change every part of my life if I let it. I'm realizing that SO much of what I do- from trying to eat healthy to going on a mission trip next year- is to satisfy my concience. But my concience is weak and satisfied with the bare minimum. So long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I feel okay about myself.
But the truth is, what it takes to trully live in a completely God-glorifying way is beyond anyone's ability to accomplish, which means we should never really stop pushing past what we feel is enough. Kind of like the way Paul lived, all the time.
I'm wondering how many people persue good things just looking for a life of ease of concience, and then are content only to work in the smallest of capasities once they get there. Not that there is no place for behind-the-scenes workers, and not that there are any jobs less important or God-glorifying than others. But being content just to exist without being ready to do whatever is most needed of you really shouldn't be an option.
This has been really convicting to me, and I certainly didn't come up with it myself so I thought maybe y'all could get some good out of it too.
I think this could radically change every part of my life if I let it. I'm realizing that SO much of what I do- from trying to eat healthy to going on a mission trip next year- is to satisfy my concience. But my concience is weak and satisfied with the bare minimum. So long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I feel okay about myself.
But the truth is, what it takes to trully live in a completely God-glorifying way is beyond anyone's ability to accomplish, which means we should never really stop pushing past what we feel is enough. Kind of like the way Paul lived, all the time.
I'm wondering how many people persue good things just looking for a life of ease of concience, and then are content only to work in the smallest of capasities once they get there. Not that there is no place for behind-the-scenes workers, and not that there are any jobs less important or God-glorifying than others. But being content just to exist without being ready to do whatever is most needed of you really shouldn't be an option.
This has been really convicting to me, and I certainly didn't come up with it myself so I thought maybe y'all could get some good out of it too.
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