open up and keep on climbing

I think I know why I write less and less the older I get: the times when I feel most inspired are also the times I feel most emotional. And that means I can't trust myself to write anything that I won't regret the next morning. I don't like this development in my personality, though I know in many ways it is the better part of wisdom. Tonight I just don't care- tonight creation and fear of loosing the one gift I have (if you could call it that) trump over caution and the opinions of others. In other words, I have to write now, or I won't write at all... and that would be horrible, because then, who would I be?

I am begining to understand more and more why so many writers are cranky, persnickety characters to live with. The more disapointed in myself I feel, the more desierable the world of fiction seems. People say we run to stories because the real world its self is disatisfactory, but I doubt that's really the problem- the real world has lots to offer for those who can take full advantage of it's possibilities. I think it's the things within ourselves that we most dread and wish to escape. At least, that's how it is with me.

Also, I think writers tend to be very controlling. Watching Tangled today I realized that I hated not knowing what was going to happen next, from the very second the plot line stepped away from the predictable and the tame. But I knew that if I was writing it and knew how it was going to end, I would thourougly enjoy tourtourous moment. I think writers enjoy things in their stories that readers never could, too, but that's a tangent.

The point is... well what is the point?

Life has not disapointed, I have disapointed. Things are not anyone's fault but mine. That is the point. Things are fine- just fine! And no amount of writhing in self pitty will change that. Oh how I wish it were as easy to cultivate and develop my own character as it is the imaginary personalities on the page!

it's not as easy as willing it all to be right

Oh life. Why so confusing?

saying hey-oh, baby lets go

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 21!

The most important thing about my birthday is that it SNOWED.



It's the first time since we moved here that it's snowed on my birthday. On Saturday my parents gave me my first birthday present and I also saw my first snow driving over the pass to visit a friend. It has felt like Christmas ever since. I wish I knew what it is about this season that makes it so impossible to be unhappy. Is it just all the good associations, or do cold weather and corny Christmas music really have the powers to bestow joy on their own? Who knows.

On my sixteenth birthday I got a copy of Stepping Heavenward from my mom, which is now my all time favorite book. It's the fictional journal of a girl growing up in the 1800's beginning on HER sixteenth birthday. I've read it almost every year since then, and yesterday I just happened to be at the part where Katy turns twenty one. I always like to compare myself to Katy because we are very similar in temperment and she sets a really good example while still managing to be almost painfully realalistic. It's both encouraging and inspiring. I feel like I'm living her life, just in a different time period. Except that she gets married the day after her twenty first birthday, and today I'm... well, not getting married. :-P

Also, I got a camera for my birthday! So now I can make picture posts.



Of course, this makes it far too tempting to dress up in all the new hair things I also got for my birthday and take pictures of myself.



This is a bad habit to get into, I'm afraid.

when the post has lyrics, what do you put in the title?

With the exception of about three artists up until now, I've never been one for albums or one-band playlists. Until now. This week I am a two sided coin, with Boys Like Girls on one side and Carbon Leaf on the other. Today I lay Carbon-Leaf-side-up.

I've been trying to write poetry and/or lyrics for the last several months, all to no avail. These guys do it so much better.

live a life less ordinary
live a life extrordinary with me
live a life less sedetary
live a life revolutionary with me

well I hate to be a bother
but it's you and there's no other
I do believe
you can call me nieve
but I know me very well
at least as far as I can tell
and I know what I need

This is what I wish I had- the simple candor to say exactly what I mean without being cliche or trite or pretentious.

if I could name you in this song
would it make you smile and sing along?
this is the goal:
to get into your soul
if I could make you dance for joy
could that be the second chance decoy
the burning hand
I would need
to help you understand?

Maybe someday I'll get there. Funny how helpful the words of others can be!

at last

UPDATE ON COSTA RICA STUFF:

I am excited.

Yay! I've been dreading this for so long, and lately it's like God has been pealing away those layers of resistance. There have been many, many reasons why I've been not wanting to go, but I think the main one is that I just got too comfortable in the life I have now. Which is in many ways a blessing, but I'm beginning to feel restless again. And weather I feel like it or not when the time to leave comes, I know this will be good for me.

I have been realizing lately how much growing up I still have left to do. For a long time I thought I'd arrived at adulthood and wouldn't really change much more ever again. I was so happy to be gliding along living at this platou. And then things started going wildly downhill, and the world started spinning, and now BAM- all of my faults have been shaken to the surface, and I've got at least another six months of weeding to do.

Now I'm questioning weather you ever really "arrive." But I guess I'm kind of glad. What I thought was a platou may have very well been more of a rut. Life would be so borring if we ever stopped growing, changing- comming to hate everything about ourselves and starting over again from scratch.

I just put together a budget for myself of everything I could possibly need or want between now and when I get back from Costa Rica at the end of next October. I tried to be generous, putting in spending money and lots of padding in case things don't go exactly as planned. Then I calculated how much money I could reasonably be expected to earn working a regular job starting in early December, along with working for Aunt Amy (babysitting) and the money I've already earned. As it turns out, I'll only need to fundraise $176. I can do that! Even if I don't get a job till January, I can fundraise more and go from there.

Tambien, mi espanol es MUCH bueno! I really enjoy it. The language barrier has been a huge fear for me, and now I don't even worry about it.

So. That's the latest! Thanks for listening and for all of your constant support- please keep praying that I will grow in grace and that God would pave the way for me to go if it's His will!

There is a vegtable at the end of this post.

I have been LOVING life.

It has something to do with working as hard as I did the last two weeks and having pretty much nothing on my plate this week... I've never apreciated sleeping in and sitting around doing nothing so much.

Things I've been enjoying:

-this beautiful rain
-boots, scarves, and sweaters
-hot drinks
-sleep
-cooking
-working out
-movies
-coloring and overall being artistic

Of course, this isn't all there is to life, and it's not like I really deserve a break yet. But I do think I tend to take the quiet times forgranted in my perpetual rush for significance and the next big thing. After all, heaven won't have all these dramatic ups and downs, ins and outs, will it? I look forward to the time when work and recreation will all be simple and straightforward, not tied up in alterior motives and concerns.

THIS JUST IN: There is a whole zuccini in my purse that I forgot to eat earlier. Jooooooooooy!

every little thing's//gonna be alright

Confused?

Yep, I'm going back to my old blog name. Every time I see Jelly Beans I think, "Like my blog!" and then I realize my blog isn't named that anymore, and it makes me sad.

But not anymore!

Also, I imported all the old posts from my other blog to this one. So now this blog is five years old. =-0 Wow!

Last but not least...



Awww.