I see the angels, I lead them to your door

Lately my life has been one big "I just don't know." I don't know anything anymore. Even the things I used to know for sure are shaking loose. It's leaving me in this weird state of nothiness- I don't know if I want to write or not so I just don't write, I don't know weather I can trust someone or not so I just don't talk to them, I don't know what I'm feeling so I just try not to feel. Obviously this isn't the solution, but somehow it's more complicated than just snapping out of it. I can't even begin to explain to myself why I'm acting this way.

On a lighter note, I'm reading the first Harry Potter book, which makes me the first in my family. Honestly I'm not quite understanding the controversy here. It doesn't seem much different from other fantasy books I've read- maybe my whole life I've just been reading things that a lot of Christians would find inapropriate. I just remembered that we already had a big discussion about the use of magic and good and evil in fantasy books on this blog, a long time ago. The whole genre of fantasy is pretty interesting, really. It's not very well respected in eleit litterary circles, is it? This is kind of a strange realization for me because I always thought it was universally acknowledged that the greatest works of all time were the big long works of fantasy and science fiction. When really those books are more appriciated by nerds and those who like to read just for the fun of it.

Which definantly puts me into one or both of those chatagories, because I can hardly ever make it through classics like Dickens or... well, whatever hip and modern author is buzzing around in university English classes these days. Wouldn't it be great to be all sophisticated and cultured like that? I'll spend the rest of my life dreaming about it, I'm sure.

Elizabeth has been going on this alternative-rock journey lately and I'm kind of getting taken along with her. I don't know how she finds these songs, it's so depressing watching your younger sister become several times cooler than you, haha! But awesome at the same time because conceptually, some of that coolness might rub off on you by association. :-P I've become so lazy about my music, though, I want to go on a big journey through all the different genras to get totally adicted again. Because music, when you find the right stuff, is so amazing.

And so are words. Writing calms me down so much.

posting just to post here, guys

Life is so strange, how you drift around between people-groups and places. You would think we humans would need something consistent, something solid to keep our feet on the whole way, but we don't- somehow we're perfectly fine letting go of old things and clinging to new ones. We do it all the time, with the rapid inconsistency of a pin-ball machine. One tiny thing can change our minds about something we loved dearly the day before, and we put it behind us like food gone bad.

I've been thinking about all the different phases in my life, from running around recklessly full of imagination in Colorado to right now, staring at this empty echoy thing called my future and wondering, what point does any of it have, really? Why did I have to go through all of those experinces to land myself here, only to find that the most likely course will have me leaving it all behind, all the people and places and interests that guided me off and on till now?

Blah. Too much deep thinking. Vacation was, well, interesting. Family vacations are always hit and miss- I've had great ones and not-so-great ones. This fell more under the second chatagory, not that it didn't have it's moments. I wrote a continuing blog post about it, kind of like a really borring documentary, in my notebook, which I will post if I ever decide to finish typing it up. For now I'm wrapping up my work day... I feel like it should be raining outside, but it's actually perfectly sunny! Weird feeling.

sweet beginnings and bitter endings

i am typing this from my moms phone. it's a little weird.
just thought you guys would likr to know that so far we have made it past the point where we broke down. yay! and i have had coffee, so no worries there.
i'm working on a huge cumalative post to commemorate this vacation, which i have absolutely no desire to type on a phone. i'm sad because i can't find a colon on this phone so i can't make a smilie face. i can make a wink face though! ;) no noses on this keyboard either, but thats okay. smilie faces don't necessarily HAVE to have noses, you know.
anyway, we're driving through eastern washington right now, and it's so inspiring! i think we should all move out here and start our own ranch. whoes with me?

cuz I don't want to waste another moment, saying things we never meant to say

Leaving tomorrow for Yellowstone.
For real this time.
Well, Lord willing, I suppose.
I'll be back Monday, probably pretty late.
At that time I will most likely make a blog post.
Because vacations always inspire me, even though I never want to go on them in the first place.
Kind of like right now.

But anyway. I keep wanting to write a blog post, but I'm always too tired or too lazy or too emotional. It's much harder than I thought not just rambling on about myself in these posts, kind of like I am doing right now.

Oh. I saw the new Star Trek movie, and it was incredible. I've only ever seen one of the other movies and exactly zero of the TV episodes, but I still really enjoyed it. I don't think I've heard of anyone not enjoying it. Have you guys seen it yet? What'd you think? Spok is my favorite, in case anyone is wondering. :-)

you've been having trouble staying asleep, you've been waking up at 4:12

Every year the routine is the same. After floating around in outer space for a week we have to endure rough bumps and jars as we re-enter the earth's atmosphere, remembering how to perform mundane tasks like driving a car or using a computer or cell phone. Nothing could be more frusterating. But then when the transition is made and I find myself, somewhat unwillingly, back in my familiar house once again, I shower, unpack, and share storys from the week with the family. All rather unwillingly. But slowly I begin to warm up to my new-old enviroment and see the rightness of the whole pattern, the place real life has in the fabric of thinking I wove for myself while I was away.

And then, after meticulously cleaning up ever corner of my room, I sit down, check my emails, and pull up a blank draft for a blog post. In spite of hopeless exaustion and the threat of an early morning the next day, I'm never furthur from sleep then after returning from Camp. My mind is alive, my emotions are churning in a cacophany of noise and color and brain-matter stuff. I'm bursting to express myself, desperate to make this moment count for something. And usually after attempting to make that blog post captering the essence of all that I am and all that life is, I give up and go do something to remember, like climb up to the top of the swing set and listen to Angels and Airwaves under the stars. Or write in one of my stories a scene that I'll keep comming back to for forever. What will it be tonight? In the end, nothing ever quite satisfies the intense longing Camp Hope creates in me for something I can't identify and I have to just go to bed. The next day, the process of forgetting begins and somehow it doesn't bother me like it does tonight.

So what is it? What is it about Camp Hope that shakes me to my core every single time, weather it's Junior or Teen camp, weather I'm staff or a camper, and no matter who comes? It's so strange.

I just know that when I first arrived I felt disapointed, because it really wasn't all that great. I saw a bunch of dirty cabins in the woods with a gutterball table in the middle. And then people started showing up and I thought the same thing- these are just regular teens with regular teen problems. Whatever magic Camp Hope used to have for me is over now, that was all a part of hormonal adolesence. I think this just about ever year. But like usual, I warmed up to it and became so emotionally attached to EVERYTHING and everyone. For reasons I just don't understand.

I noticed this year that at the beginning of camp I was judging people right and left- this person was better looking than that person, that person just plain bothered me, this group of people could hardly compare to my elect chosen few I wanted to be friends with exclusively. I didn't realize I was judging them, I guess I just always judge people and choose favorites and think mean thoughts. But as the week progressed these barriers began to fall down, and I started noticing things about people that endeared them to me, things that went so much deeper than their ability to measure up to my personal standard. The ability to love, just naturally, compulsively, uninhibitedly, is born in me during camp and it spills over to include just about everyone. I've heard that to trully love someone you have to see them how God sees them, and I think I began to see people that way to an extent this week. I forgot all about my original steriotypes.

And then there's the Anual Disapearence of Inhabitions. Everyone always points it out: at Camp Hope nobody tries to be cool or impress anyone. That atmosphere is simply not tollerated. You can just be who you are and do what you want to do and people will laugh and yes, join in. I have become such a snob over the year, thinking that I was finally beyond being reckless and even a little stupid. It's so amazing to be in an atmosphere where you feel people will love you no matter what, where you can "open up and come alive." How long have I been caging myself in the same closed-minded expectations I place on other people, as though there's only one right way to be and I have to find it?

Most importantly of all, I never feel closer to God than when I'm at camp. Suddenly everything in me is involved when we're singing a worship song, my emotions and my desires as well as my mind. My prayers become so real and more constant, the truths in the chapel messages often sink furthur in than they would have at home. It's never perfect, of course, but He just seems closer when I'm at Camp, away from everything that makes me stumble. It's all so beleivable. Faith is so strong, conviction so real. What I wouldn't give to live like this all the time!

My priorities change so much when I'm at camp. It's hard to beleive that a week ago I was stressing over doctrinal technicalities or work or school or relationships when there are such things as worship and fellowship and unspeakable friendship. Ahh, I just want everything about my life to change so much. I want to be more, do more, see more, live more. And I don't ever want to forget the memories from this week, even though many of them were hard and painful and stressful and not fun for me at the moment. I want to hold on to every tiny thing I learned. Like I said, it's just so strange.

My only theory is that Camp Hope is a little bit like what heaven will be. Lots of hard work, a LOT of honest and real worship, indescribable, intimate communion with God 24-7, and unending fellowship with true beleivers. Suddenly I understand why we won't miss things like sleeping or food or marriage. If that's what heaven is going to be like, I can hardly wait another day.

it's all good, all right- see ya latter doesn't mean goodbye

Okay, so I'm going to be gone at camp for the next week- I'll get back to my post on rights. I think this is a really super important concept, the more I think about it the more all-encompasing it becomes.

In the mean time, though, you should all go and check out Danny's comments on my post about courtship. He's obviously put a lot of time and energy into the subject- it was his thoughts that sparked all the discussion at church and my questions, so it's well worth the read.

Crystal says hi. Well, she's in the shower right now, but I'm at her house and I'm sure if she were here she would say hi, because she's nice like that. :-)

it's chap sticks and chapped lips and things like chemestry

Here's a consistently re-occuring theme in my life right now: rights. As usual I'm in the middle of about ten different books, and in two days I came to the subject of rights in two of them.

Both were talking about the same thing. Their point was that when it comes to the way we think of ourselves and deal with other people, it's very important that we don't have the mindset of asserting our own rights. This is hugely counter cultural in America especially, I think. Most poignantly for women, with the feminist movement having become such a big deal. We're taught to stand up for ourselves and and never allow people to walk over us. I'm realizing how much I've bought into this myself. If people don't treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, I can be very unforgiving about it.

So it's hitting me rather hard to think that I don't really deserve to be treated any certain way in the first place. And that even when all fairness would say that I do have certain rights, it's not my place to assert them. One of my books pointed to the story of Jonah as an example. Jonah was big on his own rights, not thinking he should have to go to a country he didn't like, or have to suffer harsh weather conditions, or have to forgive people who had done terrible things. Repeatedly God said to him, "What right do you have to be angry?" This just brought it home to me how little God values rights. He gives things as he chooses, not because we deserve them, but because He wants to. Not even being a Christian is enough to earn us any amount of rights before God.

This concept comes in especially handy when it comes to relationships (and I don't mean just with boys, I mean with everyone). Elisabeth Elliot points out that a marriage only works when each person is equally dedicated to surrendering their own rights and supporting the other persons. This means even when the other person, be that my mom, my boss, or my friend, is demanding their own rights and paying no attention to mine, I have to give in willingly. And without bitterness, without reminding myself that this isn't fair. I have to be so focused on the other person being happy and getting what they "deserve" that I don't even notice my own rights. That's what it means to really and trully love someone, and I've been missing it all this time.