Jesus has so much to say about so many things. I love how for almost everything he talks about, there’s something else to balance it. He’s very reasonable that way. Also very confusing that way. I’m pretty sure I only understand about two percent of what he says. And then all of the Old Testament, especially the prophesies. It’s very pretty-sounding and if I’m in the right mood I can really appreciate the color and depth of emotion in it, but I don’t have the smallest idea what I’m supposed to be taking out of it. That’s hard to deal with, because I tend to approach the Bible as though it has magical powers, as though I can read it and then feel the transformation wrapping around me from my toes all the way up to my head, like in Cinderella. Everybody thinks that, right?
But I think that in order to really beleive the Bible, the things Jesus says have to take shape in your life. Like maybe the Bible is just an explanation or exposition of this reality called Christianity. Carolyn and I talk a lot about what exactly it means to be a Christian. Sometimes we think it’s as simple as believing on the Lord Jesus Christ (like the Philipian jailer) and sometimes we think it’s got to be more than that, since lots of people believe but don’t really care. I wonder if this is the real difference, when the Bible starts happening to you and it’s not just something you read about.
I don't know what I think about free will and election and all of that stuff, but on a really basic day-to-day level I'm always surprised by how much being a Christian is a two way thing, how much effort it takes on my part. A potential consequence of beleiving in Calvinism is thinking that once you're in you're in and you don't have to do anything else about it. I wish it was like that, but instead it just seems to take so much work and after so much time running I get tired of it sometimes and I'd rather think about something else. But I want to find a way to live this gospel and make it a lasting identity and a lifestyle, not just a religion.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
DONE
with my Spanish and ready for a test.
Twice in a row now, Spanish tests and English papers have been due on the same day. What is with that?
Yesterday was pretty much the crapiest day of my life, and I seriously thought I was going to just drop out of school and spend the rest of the year watching television. I didn't do the slightest thing. And then I prayed just before going to bed, kind of like someone prays before their execution.
And now I'm really, really excited about God. :-)
Twice in a row now, Spanish tests and English papers have been due on the same day. What is with that?
Yesterday was pretty much the crapiest day of my life, and I seriously thought I was going to just drop out of school and spend the rest of the year watching television. I didn't do the slightest thing. And then I prayed just before going to bed, kind of like someone prays before their execution.
And now I'm really, really excited about God. :-)
Sunday, January 27, 2008
What I learned on Television
If everybody likes you, you are a very borring person.
Buddy you’re a young man, hard man, shoutin’ in the street, gonna take on the WORLD some day...
Buddy you’re a young man, hard man, shoutin’ in the street, gonna take on the WORLD some day...
Friday, January 25, 2008
help help!
Can't you see I'm going crazy
Won't somebody set me right?
Can I leave my half-chewed bubblegum
On the bedpost over night?
School is hard. I hate school. I especially hate Spanish. and Geometry.
And I can never do the things I have to do.
Ever ever ever ever.
Won't somebody set me right?
Can I leave my half-chewed bubblegum
On the bedpost over night?
School is hard. I hate school. I especially hate Spanish. and Geometry.
And I can never do the things I have to do.
Ever ever ever ever.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Oh my.
This is going to be a good day.
I can just tell.
I'm going to go to school, take my Spanish quiz, and then since I don't have English class and my Chior teacher is having a baby, I'm going to go on a hunt for a secret study place. Somewhere that is warm and also inspiring. Like the elevator, maybe.
It's going to be amazing.
I can feel it in my BONES, I tell you.
I can just tell.
I'm going to go to school, take my Spanish quiz, and then since I don't have English class and my Chior teacher is having a baby, I'm going to go on a hunt for a secret study place. Somewhere that is warm and also inspiring. Like the elevator, maybe.
It's going to be amazing.
I can feel it in my BONES, I tell you.
Friday, January 18, 2008
just because there's no bedtime on Fridays
Food makes me feel so much better. A little bowl of cheesecake ice cream with a twirly dolup of whipped cream on top has much more power than people give it credit for. If I were president, that's what I would say to everything. Give them cheesecake ice cream!
Today I'm really upset because I wanted to be so different, and I'm not. Or something like that. I wanted to be different from my parents and different from most of my friends and different from everybody "worldly" that I'm not supposed to be similar too, I wanted to be radical and revolutionary and pretty much amazing in my own quiet way. I thought I could be this way once I had the right oprotunities, but now I'm having the oprotunities and it's not working out the way I wanted it to at all.
My English teacher says that guys can't be vulnerable because that might make them look week and un-manly, but girls can't be vulnerable because that might make them look ugly. And it's true, because when I'm like this I feel incredibly ugly, like deep down under all the manerisims and attitueds and makeup I put on to be pretty and ladylike and charming there's stuff I want to hide, that's just not attractive, and that's what bothers me more than anything. I live under this misconception that if I were perfect I'd always be happy. Which I suppose is true, but I don't mean actually perfect, I just mean seeming to be perfect, like never saying the wrong thing and always having the right shoes to go with the right outfit. I think if I was perfect like that then things couldn't hit me so hard, because I would be so confident in who I was.
But as it is every thing just seems to reveal how ugly I really am, and I'm not just being self-depricating, I mean everybody is so ugly when you get down to it, and we all have a hard time loving ugly people so it's a bit of a problem. Movies never talk about this, in movies people always deal with broken hearts and ruined lives and job stress and death and things like that, but they're all georgous and perfect in who they are. And I always think (it's terrible, but I do), if I could just be like that, I would care how much hollywood drama happened to me. Even being depressed would be fun if I looked and talked like that. Isn't that ridiculous?
Anyway I've been reading Donald Miller again and he makes me be very honest with myself. I like the way he just talks about things he's done and been through without trying to drive too hard to make points or show us things. He just talks, and you can relate to him and understand him even when you can't relate to him. Though most of the time you can relate to him. I guess being at school has shown me just how little I am capable of making good points and backing them up, I'm kind of a major wannabe when it comes to that. It makes me laugh at myself and all the time I've spent trying to figure things out, as though little, wide-eyed me is going to unlock the answers to the universe just by thinking about it when none of the great scientists or philosophers or my dad have ever been able to do that.
I guess you have to try, though, so that you're not just being ignorant and lazy. All we do in English class is bring up a subject and hash through it until we realize it's hopeless. And then we go home. I guess you get credit for thinking. Eventually you have to stop though, and start walking down the path you've come to weather it's right or not. I mean, it forks all the time. That's life for you, you just keep going and making new turns.
Yes, I wanted to be so different and it's hard. Which is really not profound at all. I guess it's just a personal thing and I'm dealing with it. Probably everybody has to. I thought I could be revolutionary but it's all been said and done before, there's nothing left for us but to live it. And there's something discouragingly unexciting about figuring out all the same stuff as everybody else at the same time or later.
I want to be able to live in a revolutionary way, I guess. Since saying and being arn't enough anymore. But I think more important than that is realizing that I'm not really any different and being okay with needing God that much. God, and cheesecake ice cream, and people who love me for absolutely no reason. Thankfully I've got the last two covered. Now I just really, really need to focus on God.
Today I'm really upset because I wanted to be so different, and I'm not. Or something like that. I wanted to be different from my parents and different from most of my friends and different from everybody "worldly" that I'm not supposed to be similar too, I wanted to be radical and revolutionary and pretty much amazing in my own quiet way. I thought I could be this way once I had the right oprotunities, but now I'm having the oprotunities and it's not working out the way I wanted it to at all.
My English teacher says that guys can't be vulnerable because that might make them look week and un-manly, but girls can't be vulnerable because that might make them look ugly. And it's true, because when I'm like this I feel incredibly ugly, like deep down under all the manerisims and attitueds and makeup I put on to be pretty and ladylike and charming there's stuff I want to hide, that's just not attractive, and that's what bothers me more than anything. I live under this misconception that if I were perfect I'd always be happy. Which I suppose is true, but I don't mean actually perfect, I just mean seeming to be perfect, like never saying the wrong thing and always having the right shoes to go with the right outfit. I think if I was perfect like that then things couldn't hit me so hard, because I would be so confident in who I was.
But as it is every thing just seems to reveal how ugly I really am, and I'm not just being self-depricating, I mean everybody is so ugly when you get down to it, and we all have a hard time loving ugly people so it's a bit of a problem. Movies never talk about this, in movies people always deal with broken hearts and ruined lives and job stress and death and things like that, but they're all georgous and perfect in who they are. And I always think (it's terrible, but I do), if I could just be like that, I would care how much hollywood drama happened to me. Even being depressed would be fun if I looked and talked like that. Isn't that ridiculous?
Anyway I've been reading Donald Miller again and he makes me be very honest with myself. I like the way he just talks about things he's done and been through without trying to drive too hard to make points or show us things. He just talks, and you can relate to him and understand him even when you can't relate to him. Though most of the time you can relate to him. I guess being at school has shown me just how little I am capable of making good points and backing them up, I'm kind of a major wannabe when it comes to that. It makes me laugh at myself and all the time I've spent trying to figure things out, as though little, wide-eyed me is going to unlock the answers to the universe just by thinking about it when none of the great scientists or philosophers or my dad have ever been able to do that.
I guess you have to try, though, so that you're not just being ignorant and lazy. All we do in English class is bring up a subject and hash through it until we realize it's hopeless. And then we go home. I guess you get credit for thinking. Eventually you have to stop though, and start walking down the path you've come to weather it's right or not. I mean, it forks all the time. That's life for you, you just keep going and making new turns.
Yes, I wanted to be so different and it's hard. Which is really not profound at all. I guess it's just a personal thing and I'm dealing with it. Probably everybody has to. I thought I could be revolutionary but it's all been said and done before, there's nothing left for us but to live it. And there's something discouragingly unexciting about figuring out all the same stuff as everybody else at the same time or later.
I want to be able to live in a revolutionary way, I guess. Since saying and being arn't enough anymore. But I think more important than that is realizing that I'm not really any different and being okay with needing God that much. God, and cheesecake ice cream, and people who love me for absolutely no reason. Thankfully I've got the last two covered. Now I just really, really need to focus on God.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
in my own words
Thus titled because none of this really started in my own head.
But I've got a thought here that I'm going to try to tap into. That's a worthy use of a blog, right? Thought-tapping?
Faith is one of those words we throw around in church a lot, but I think if you really start to think about it, it becomes a much bigger concept than we usually mean. According to the dictionary faith is "confidence or trust in a person or thing," so what does it really take to trust God? One thing that comes to mind is how trust depends so much on follow-through. So why is it that faith is such a big problem, why it's so hard sometimes? It must be that either God doesn't follow through, or we have all the wrong expectations.
One option is to limit our expectations, and I think Christians of every shape size and color do this with God all the time. Sticking with what is really close to home and familiar, what we've seen him do and can attribute to him with no faith required (God has given me a happy family and nice job, therefore he is good). To me that kind of faith screams "I need something to beleive in, and God happens to be it." It's like Danny was saying in Sunday School the other day, you could attribute that to a lucky hat just as much as to God, and your faith would be just as strong.
Is it enough, though? We want God to be more. I think we need him to be more to have real faith in him. Some of his promises are pretty out there, I've noticed. Is God not following through? Is being a Christian less than it's cracked up to be?
Everyone would say no. Everyone would say it's perfect and it's amazing and it's everything you'll ever need, and everyone who beleives in this seems to be dedicating a lifetime to proving that. I don't know why we should have to prove it. It's like we're not honest enough to look at our own religion and admit that it's ever hard or unsatisfying or irrational. Defending our lucky hat with vengence just so that we can keep beleiving in it, because we need it.
But I'm thinking real faith goes outside of that, it's radical and it can't be defended and it isn't easy, but it's huuuuuge. Mostly I think it's dangerous. Like climbing way out on a limb with God and trusting he's going to catch you based on very little, for a reward we can't see until after death and with consequences that are painful in the mean time. Technically Christians are some of the craziest people out there. The longer I think about religion and God the more I say, "I don't know," and the less that bothers me. My faith seems to get stronger with each thing I un-figure out, somehow. It's like... it's like... like nothing I can describe.
I think that's the thing, faith is hard because it's blind, not because the truth isn't enough. Our expectations of God are always off because we have no idea what's going on or what should be going on, we have to be hands off about it and that's scary.
But once we have faith like that, I'm guessing, we're not going to have any case to be disapointed in God. Until we start trusting him against all odds and without any reason, how can we get any sense of just how perfect his way of doing things really is? We have to stop looking for him to be this way or that way to fufill our needs before he can start being his own PERFECT self and fufilling our needs in his own perfect way.
We just have no idea.
But I've got a thought here that I'm going to try to tap into. That's a worthy use of a blog, right? Thought-tapping?
Faith is one of those words we throw around in church a lot, but I think if you really start to think about it, it becomes a much bigger concept than we usually mean. According to the dictionary faith is "confidence or trust in a person or thing," so what does it really take to trust God? One thing that comes to mind is how trust depends so much on follow-through. So why is it that faith is such a big problem, why it's so hard sometimes? It must be that either God doesn't follow through, or we have all the wrong expectations.
One option is to limit our expectations, and I think Christians of every shape size and color do this with God all the time. Sticking with what is really close to home and familiar, what we've seen him do and can attribute to him with no faith required (God has given me a happy family and nice job, therefore he is good). To me that kind of faith screams "I need something to beleive in, and God happens to be it." It's like Danny was saying in Sunday School the other day, you could attribute that to a lucky hat just as much as to God, and your faith would be just as strong.
Is it enough, though? We want God to be more. I think we need him to be more to have real faith in him. Some of his promises are pretty out there, I've noticed. Is God not following through? Is being a Christian less than it's cracked up to be?
Everyone would say no. Everyone would say it's perfect and it's amazing and it's everything you'll ever need, and everyone who beleives in this seems to be dedicating a lifetime to proving that. I don't know why we should have to prove it. It's like we're not honest enough to look at our own religion and admit that it's ever hard or unsatisfying or irrational. Defending our lucky hat with vengence just so that we can keep beleiving in it, because we need it.
But I'm thinking real faith goes outside of that, it's radical and it can't be defended and it isn't easy, but it's huuuuuge. Mostly I think it's dangerous. Like climbing way out on a limb with God and trusting he's going to catch you based on very little, for a reward we can't see until after death and with consequences that are painful in the mean time. Technically Christians are some of the craziest people out there. The longer I think about religion and God the more I say, "I don't know," and the less that bothers me. My faith seems to get stronger with each thing I un-figure out, somehow. It's like... it's like... like nothing I can describe.
I think that's the thing, faith is hard because it's blind, not because the truth isn't enough. Our expectations of God are always off because we have no idea what's going on or what should be going on, we have to be hands off about it and that's scary.
But once we have faith like that, I'm guessing, we're not going to have any case to be disapointed in God. Until we start trusting him against all odds and without any reason, how can we get any sense of just how perfect his way of doing things really is? We have to stop looking for him to be this way or that way to fufill our needs before he can start being his own PERFECT self and fufilling our needs in his own perfect way.
We just have no idea.
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