It seems kind of pointless to post here, since no one's really on here anymore and I know I won't be for another couple of months after today... but now for the first time in I don't know how long I have free time to burn, and I find myself in need of this outlet through which I can splatter out all my ugly, undeveloped, unnovel thoughts. So here I go.
Right now I feel like exploding, and maybe it is just because I've been going non stop for so long that I don't even know how to handle myself if I'm not being told what to do anymore. I find that I hate the alone time when I have to stop and think because I always discover these terrible, ugly things in myself that I used to clear out every other day or so, but now the just build and build and build, like the dung heaps outside the city in the Old Testament.
So the question remaining is, what am I doing wrong? How can someone go at such an insane rate all the time and still find themselves avoiding sin, and not succumbing to whatever their particular addictions are just to keep themselves afloat? I certainly don't know. I never have ANYTHING under control it seems, and the not having it under control makes me freak out and sit down in the middle of the road and refuse to move. And the refusing to move makes me feel like a failure, which is where the whole dumb cycle restarts.
Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? All I know is life is good, and I am extremely blessed with all of those good things people talk about being blessed with, but as always I still find things to complain about. And I don't think I'm just being petty, I think the truth is life is just not that great after all and we've got to keep our eyes focused on heaven. If that's even remotely possible, which it really doesn't seem to be for me right now. I know that that's there is light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I just need help getting through the tunnel, and the light at the end is not enough to keep me from tripping and falling over every single dumb railroad tie along the way.
Thankfully God is good and He has provided means of grace and others to pick us up along the way. Help and peace always comes eventually, if it is sought for in the right places. All I have to do is LOOK.
