I think I know why I write less and less the older I get: the times when I feel most inspired are also the times I feel most emotional. And that means I can't trust myself to write anything that I won't regret the next morning. I don't like this development in my personality, though I know in many ways it is the better part of wisdom. Tonight I just don't care- tonight creation and fear of loosing the one gift I have (if you could call it that) trump over caution and the opinions of others. In other words, I have to write now, or I won't write at all... and that would be horrible, because then, who would I be?
I am begining to understand more and more why so many writers are cranky, persnickety characters to live with. The more disapointed in myself I feel, the more desierable the world of fiction seems. People say we run to stories because the real world its self is disatisfactory, but I doubt that's really the problem- the real world has lots to offer for those who can take full advantage of it's possibilities. I think it's the things within ourselves that we most dread and wish to escape. At least, that's how it is with me.
Also, I think writers tend to be very controlling. Watching Tangled today I realized that I hated not knowing what was going to happen next, from the very second the plot line stepped away from the predictable and the tame. But I knew that if I was writing it and knew how it was going to end, I would thourougly enjoy tourtourous moment. I think writers enjoy things in their stories that readers never could, too, but that's a tangent.
The point is... well what is the point?
Life has not disapointed, I have disapointed. Things are not anyone's fault but mine. That is the point. Things are fine- just fine! And no amount of writhing in self pitty will change that. Oh how I wish it were as easy to cultivate and develop my own character as it is the imaginary personalities on the page!
