Alright, I'm back for a day. But I make no promises, because I'm very very busy right now and I have almost no time at all for the computer.
Right at this minute, though, I need a place for my mounting frustration with life to errupt and make a huge mess without feeling like it will all come back to haunt me later on. This place is safe, and I miss that. For all of you who didn't come to Elizabeth and Beth's birthday party, you really missed out. It was just like old times, singing and dancing together and then talking late into the night. It made me realize again how much I've left behind in my life for absolutely no good reason at all.
With my new friends it's different. You have to hold yourself together and make snide comments. You have to know the lingo. You have to act like you don't really care. You have to accept it when life doesn't throw you together anymore. You just have to keep going, going, going, like the energizer bunny with that stupid drum. That's exactly how life feels right now. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum...
I have heard that one of the three keys to being a happy person is having a higher purpose or meaning in this life. They did a study and the happy people they interviewed all had this in common, apparently. So there must be truth to it. I suppose this is what the Bible is talking about when it says that the joy of the Lord should be our strength. It must just be a mindset that you keep with you at all times, where you know that God has put you on this earth for a reason and you go through each and every day in the concious effort to fulfil it. What IS that purpose, though, for me? I don't know. I certainly don't live this way.
The other two keys were getting deeply involved in projects to consume your mind, and staying connected with friends and family. It's a little ridiculous to be evaluating my life by bullet points from a Readers Digest article, huh? I guess it kind of rings true with me though, especially when I realize that I'm missing out on both of these things, too. Is it totally selfish and inapropriate to say that I just want to be happy? I just can't see myself continuing to plod along to the beat of that drum for too much longer without completely throwing in the towel; I've come pretty close several times already.
Of course the truth is I always bring all of this on myself, and I don't know why. I have always boardered on the side of being self-destructive, so I guess this is just another way that I fail to take care of myself. I'm sure I'd be a much better instrument to be used by God and help people around me and contribute to the world if I just found a way to love life instead of being dragged through it, feeling like butter scraped over too much bread.
I guess what it boils down to is this: I need to start praying and really searching my Bible again, and definantly studdying like I actually care about my classes even though I don't. Maybe I could even invest a little effort into work. And I need to surround myself with the people I care about. Do you ever have a image in your mind of the way you want things to be, and it burns you when you realize how far away it is from reality? I always looked forward to college so much. It was supposed to be so exhilerating, the best four years of my life. I was supposed to be meating tons of new amazing people and running all over the place having adventures and learning new things, becoming the person I want to be for the rest of my life. Adding value to who I am through good book learning and stuff like that. And I have to ask myself, why not?
So I hope that even if blog is in it's last days here, I can find a way soon to see all of you on a regular basis. Maybe these are the friends I will cary with me all of my life, or at least some of them, or one of them. You just never know. At least I don't want anyone to say that it didn't happen because I didn't try. If you want to help me out with this crusade, my new phone number is (253)353-0986, just in case you didn't know.
