Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
only if you want to will you hear me say, only if you want to will you find a way
So... I'm really tired and it's really late and it's been a really good day, and I'm listening to Enya which is giving me weird nonstoligic feelings... so in short my skin is the only thing keeping me from flying into a million pieces at the moment.
SIDE NOTE: I've decided to continue using this blog to write about my life, while using the other blog for my more sophistocated and impersonal musings. I'm sorry that you all now have two blogs to check and I will not be at all offended if you choose to only follow one or the other- in fact, having two different kinds of audiences is one of my reasons for doing this. I just find that in writing blog posts I'm constantly torn between these two styles and I always feel that going back and forth weakens my purpose in either one, so long story short, this is what I've come to- twin blogs, my head and my heart, always conflicting and complimenting one another like the two sides of me.
Every now and then I start feeling the need to write out the whole story of my life- not in a readable way, not like a novel, just to put all the facts and high points and low points before my eyes so I can keep track of it and figure out where it should logically go from here. It's weird being this old and having so many experiences, people, and ways of thinking completely behind me now. I'm so afraid of forgetting about it all, although there's lots that wouldn't necessarily be bad to forget, I suppose... it's just my life, and I somehow want to hold on to it. Try to make some meaning out of the chaos.
But it's weird, because most of it is pretty ugly- not because I haven't been extreemly blessed but because I've never had the talent of doing life gracefully. My life would make a terrible movie in that sense, unless it was some formula comming of age story in which I finally got skinny and popular and acheived my dreams. That's not the plot line we're called to live for though, is it? My story, as with most Christian's, would be a often dark struggle against sin which has no real begining or end except for Christ, and then He becomes the story and I'm just a sub-plot. I'm trying to think of my life like that instead of trying to make sense of it in a rising action, climax, falling action sort of way. It's funny that I become preocupied with thinking about life this way, but I do.
Today, my first official day of being done with school, was spent in reading and writing and gathering music all by myself until about five oclock, at which point I started to go stir crazy and so decided to go with my parents to pick up our new oven in Gig Harbor. And it was just sooooooooo beautiful outside, and I had new music to listen to which was sooooooo inspiring, I felt about as perfectly happy as I ever have. And then I came home and felt perfectly content to just sit with my siblings and watch a movie. Usually I HAVE to be doing something when I'm watching a movie or I feel restless and unproductive, but I was too perfectly contented and stable to care.
I don't know quite how to describe it, but it seems like a lot of times I run around doing tons of things in this vain attempt to feel completed or fufilled or whatever by it, and no matter how significant what I'm doing is, it never works. And then suddenly I'll somehow break through to a point where even the smallest tasks have a perfect joy associated with them when they can be carried out thouroughly and carefully, and while listening to music and interacting with the people around me instead of being caught up in the storm cloud of thoughts and emotions and worries that push me on most of the time. Today was one of those days where this perfect, satisfiying joy was reached, and now I just don't ever want it to eeeeeeeeend.
So I'll sit here on the floor with my little desk lamp casting ginormous shadows of me across the entire room and read and write and sing as softly as possible so as not to wake the little sister. I've already danced out all the excess energy coursing through my veins like too much caffine. At the end of this I will be thouroughly exausted, but it doesn't even matter, since it's spring break.
SIDE NOTE: I've decided to continue using this blog to write about my life, while using the other blog for my more sophistocated and impersonal musings. I'm sorry that you all now have two blogs to check and I will not be at all offended if you choose to only follow one or the other- in fact, having two different kinds of audiences is one of my reasons for doing this. I just find that in writing blog posts I'm constantly torn between these two styles and I always feel that going back and forth weakens my purpose in either one, so long story short, this is what I've come to- twin blogs, my head and my heart, always conflicting and complimenting one another like the two sides of me.
Every now and then I start feeling the need to write out the whole story of my life- not in a readable way, not like a novel, just to put all the facts and high points and low points before my eyes so I can keep track of it and figure out where it should logically go from here. It's weird being this old and having so many experiences, people, and ways of thinking completely behind me now. I'm so afraid of forgetting about it all, although there's lots that wouldn't necessarily be bad to forget, I suppose... it's just my life, and I somehow want to hold on to it. Try to make some meaning out of the chaos.
But it's weird, because most of it is pretty ugly- not because I haven't been extreemly blessed but because I've never had the talent of doing life gracefully. My life would make a terrible movie in that sense, unless it was some formula comming of age story in which I finally got skinny and popular and acheived my dreams. That's not the plot line we're called to live for though, is it? My story, as with most Christian's, would be a often dark struggle against sin which has no real begining or end except for Christ, and then He becomes the story and I'm just a sub-plot. I'm trying to think of my life like that instead of trying to make sense of it in a rising action, climax, falling action sort of way. It's funny that I become preocupied with thinking about life this way, but I do.
Today, my first official day of being done with school, was spent in reading and writing and gathering music all by myself until about five oclock, at which point I started to go stir crazy and so decided to go with my parents to pick up our new oven in Gig Harbor. And it was just sooooooooo beautiful outside, and I had new music to listen to which was sooooooo inspiring, I felt about as perfectly happy as I ever have. And then I came home and felt perfectly content to just sit with my siblings and watch a movie. Usually I HAVE to be doing something when I'm watching a movie or I feel restless and unproductive, but I was too perfectly contented and stable to care.
I don't know quite how to describe it, but it seems like a lot of times I run around doing tons of things in this vain attempt to feel completed or fufilled or whatever by it, and no matter how significant what I'm doing is, it never works. And then suddenly I'll somehow break through to a point where even the smallest tasks have a perfect joy associated with them when they can be carried out thouroughly and carefully, and while listening to music and interacting with the people around me instead of being caught up in the storm cloud of thoughts and emotions and worries that push me on most of the time. Today was one of those days where this perfect, satisfiying joy was reached, and now I just don't ever want it to eeeeeeeeend.
So I'll sit here on the floor with my little desk lamp casting ginormous shadows of me across the entire room and read and write and sing as softly as possible so as not to wake the little sister. I've already danced out all the excess energy coursing through my veins like too much caffine. At the end of this I will be thouroughly exausted, but it doesn't even matter, since it's spring break.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
In other words...
I'm not satisfied with the way my last post turned out- my logic on the whole issue of justice was unsound and it made my cause weak. This is not something I can afford to be weak about, because nothing, absolutely nothing, has ever seemed so viatlly important as this does right now. Maybe I'm just feeling emotional because I just read another article about the things going on in Haitti and it's gripping, compelling, heart-wrenching stuff.
And you know what it is that gets me the most about these stories? It's not just how absolutely awful everything is- although that is certainly the reason why we need to be doing something about it. The thing that brings tears to my eyes is the way the people in this situation, both the volunteers and the victims, have hope and joy and love for one another in spite of everything. I mean, that sounds corny, but it's true. I remember that about the stories Pastor Elbourne would tell when we Emmanuel people were in Lakeshore, Mississippi. Sometimes people are really selfish and they want you to replace their refrigerators before someone else even has somewhere dry to spend the night. But other times, people open their doors to one another and share even the few things that they have left to them.
There was one story in Readers Digest about a boy who was burried under rebel in Haiti with his sister and dead brother for eight days, and when resuce teams finally found him, he came out with a huge grin on his face. They asked him why he was smiling and he said, "I smiled because I was free. I smiled because I was alive." It's just ridiculous, because we're all free and we're all alive, but not very many of us are smiling when one tiny little thing doesn't go our way.
In truth I can't pretend to understand why God would let something like the earthquakes in Haiti and now Chillie to happen to nations of people who already had so little. As I pray about it, it's sometimes hard for me to accept the will of God in this area. I mean, why not smite America with something like this? It's not fair, by my own ideas of fairness.
And yet even here, I am selfish in my human nature. It's like I don't want the responsibility of having a happy family and plenty to eat and a healthy body and tons of time because everything is so perfectly provided for me. The guilt of it weighs me down and I tend to feel like it would be easier to be the victim, which probably shows just how little I actually understand about what it's like. That's one of the reasons I want to be involved somewhere where there is great need, so that I can better understand what suffering really is.
But I'm learning that this is not a matter of justice. Nothing, no matter how bad it is, has happened yet that is as bad as we all deserve it to be... if anything, these catastrophies only open the door for mercy to be shown, both by well-off people who would otherwise be self-absorbed in their own lives or by God himself, in sparing the lives of those that he did. Catastrophies are not the place where God's justcie can be contemplated, but rather His mercy.
The idea of injustice comes in, as we discussed in the comments on my last post, in asking the question, why are these people so poor to begin with? Is the government corrupt? Are people being forced to do things they shouldn't have to do? These questions are the things that should take us to the root of the problems, where we can fight with a zeal that is Godly- His indignation burns against these things much more than ours ever could.
I'm realizing my personal "calling" (if you'll excuse the expression) is not so much to the work of justice but to the work of mercy- I want to give food and warm blankets to those who are victimised by the system, and therefore even more victimised than they would be otherwise by providential disasters- rather than attacking the system at it's core. But it is very, very important that people be doing both. And that we all learn to be content with less and to think of others as more important than ourselves. That's basically what it comes down to.
Any last thoughts on the subject? Do you agree that there are two kinds of missionary works that need to be done in the world- one of justice, and the other of mercy? And that these reflect two co-existing elements of God's perfect character, and that it's right to emulate them both as much as we can in our daily lives?
And you know what it is that gets me the most about these stories? It's not just how absolutely awful everything is- although that is certainly the reason why we need to be doing something about it. The thing that brings tears to my eyes is the way the people in this situation, both the volunteers and the victims, have hope and joy and love for one another in spite of everything. I mean, that sounds corny, but it's true. I remember that about the stories Pastor Elbourne would tell when we Emmanuel people were in Lakeshore, Mississippi. Sometimes people are really selfish and they want you to replace their refrigerators before someone else even has somewhere dry to spend the night. But other times, people open their doors to one another and share even the few things that they have left to them.
There was one story in Readers Digest about a boy who was burried under rebel in Haiti with his sister and dead brother for eight days, and when resuce teams finally found him, he came out with a huge grin on his face. They asked him why he was smiling and he said, "I smiled because I was free. I smiled because I was alive." It's just ridiculous, because we're all free and we're all alive, but not very many of us are smiling when one tiny little thing doesn't go our way.
In truth I can't pretend to understand why God would let something like the earthquakes in Haiti and now Chillie to happen to nations of people who already had so little. As I pray about it, it's sometimes hard for me to accept the will of God in this area. I mean, why not smite America with something like this? It's not fair, by my own ideas of fairness.
And yet even here, I am selfish in my human nature. It's like I don't want the responsibility of having a happy family and plenty to eat and a healthy body and tons of time because everything is so perfectly provided for me. The guilt of it weighs me down and I tend to feel like it would be easier to be the victim, which probably shows just how little I actually understand about what it's like. That's one of the reasons I want to be involved somewhere where there is great need, so that I can better understand what suffering really is.
But I'm learning that this is not a matter of justice. Nothing, no matter how bad it is, has happened yet that is as bad as we all deserve it to be... if anything, these catastrophies only open the door for mercy to be shown, both by well-off people who would otherwise be self-absorbed in their own lives or by God himself, in sparing the lives of those that he did. Catastrophies are not the place where God's justcie can be contemplated, but rather His mercy.
The idea of injustice comes in, as we discussed in the comments on my last post, in asking the question, why are these people so poor to begin with? Is the government corrupt? Are people being forced to do things they shouldn't have to do? These questions are the things that should take us to the root of the problems, where we can fight with a zeal that is Godly- His indignation burns against these things much more than ours ever could.
I'm realizing my personal "calling" (if you'll excuse the expression) is not so much to the work of justice but to the work of mercy- I want to give food and warm blankets to those who are victimised by the system, and therefore even more victimised than they would be otherwise by providential disasters- rather than attacking the system at it's core. But it is very, very important that people be doing both. And that we all learn to be content with less and to think of others as more important than ourselves. That's basically what it comes down to.
Any last thoughts on the subject? Do you agree that there are two kinds of missionary works that need to be done in the world- one of justice, and the other of mercy? And that these reflect two co-existing elements of God's perfect character, and that it's right to emulate them both as much as we can in our daily lives?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
life savers
There are some things too important not to post about, and I think this falls under that chategory.
Yesterday I went to my school's Bible Study and there were four speakers there from YWAM- Youth With A Mission. I was expecting the usual "you should all get up right now and fly to Africa" speech, but that's not what we got. Instead we got a talk on justice. They began with a story about a pastor who went through the Bible and physically cut out all the verses that talk about helping the poor and needy. The result was a torn and tattered volume, worthless by most people's standards. He went on to say that this was the American Bible- that we who have everything are blind to the concept of justice.
And suddenly this made a lot of sense to me, because it's true that you don't realize how unfair something is until you get the short end of the stick.
And furthurmore, it's mindblowing to realize that God has so much to say about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. I don't know why I never noticed that before. Somehow, my rich-white-American mindset told me, "Well, God puts everyone in the situations they are in by His soverign good will, so it's not really my buisness anyway." And yet, if something happened to me tomorrow to leave me homeless, I would pray very hard that God would take me out of that situation. So why am I okay with that happening to others, just because I don't know them personally?
It's interesting that among all the verses I can think of about poverty in the Bible, most of them have to do with exorting us to help the poor and needy. Which tells me it's not just that God hates poverty because it's not fair, but he hates that those who can do something about it don't. THAT'S the part that's not fair. The unjustice of it is mind-blowing, when you think about how much we really have.
Another area this relates to is that of global evangalism... they gave a crazy statistic saying that only about two percent of all missionaries go to areas where the gospel has never been preached before. And there are a lot of areas like that. That seems even more unfair than people not having food... especially considering the amount of people who keep the gospel to themselves for no good reason.
So for once, more than being inspired to run off to the other side of the world, I actually feel convicted about the way I'm living now. Because of course we all know how far a very small bit of money will go in places where even water is scarce. And yet I have to eat five dollar salads when I get even the tinyest bit hungry at school. And buy new clothes when I don't like the old ones anymore. And do something different with my hair every couple of months. There's just so many ridiculous things that we Americans spend money on.
And not only that, I'm hugely, hugely convicted about the amount I complain. If anything makes God's character of Justice cringe it has got to be hearing me whine about my incredibly easy life. The people there from YWAM, who had traveled around to many third world countries, all vehemently agreed that most people who had close to nothing were much happier than we Americans are.
But it's not just about apriciating the good things God has chosen to give me, it's more like... well, everyone has their own trials and problems they have to deal with, and God gives us strength according to our need. I just suddenly find it very pathetic that God is having to pamper me by giving me the strength to actually go to class today... comparatively, it's so easy! I don't feel like I can ever really make a difference so long as I'm hung up on rich-white-American problems. If that makes any sense.
I would really like to learn to be content with less. I would like to inspire other people to do the same, if at all possible. One, because it would give us more money to give to those who really need it. Two, because it would teach us not to complain and to see the bigger picture. Three, because it would make us more ready and able to help those who have much, much less to begin with. And ultimately, because all of this would be glorifying to God in his infinite, unfathomable justice. This ideal is just that, an ideal- and while the head knowledge has finally reached the heart, it's miles and miles away from translating into actions. Still, it's a battle I- and all Americans, really- NEED to be fighting.
"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever looses his life for My sake will save it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?" Luke 9:23-25
Yesterday I went to my school's Bible Study and there were four speakers there from YWAM- Youth With A Mission. I was expecting the usual "you should all get up right now and fly to Africa" speech, but that's not what we got. Instead we got a talk on justice. They began with a story about a pastor who went through the Bible and physically cut out all the verses that talk about helping the poor and needy. The result was a torn and tattered volume, worthless by most people's standards. He went on to say that this was the American Bible- that we who have everything are blind to the concept of justice.
And suddenly this made a lot of sense to me, because it's true that you don't realize how unfair something is until you get the short end of the stick.
And furthurmore, it's mindblowing to realize that God has so much to say about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. I don't know why I never noticed that before. Somehow, my rich-white-American mindset told me, "Well, God puts everyone in the situations they are in by His soverign good will, so it's not really my buisness anyway." And yet, if something happened to me tomorrow to leave me homeless, I would pray very hard that God would take me out of that situation. So why am I okay with that happening to others, just because I don't know them personally?
It's interesting that among all the verses I can think of about poverty in the Bible, most of them have to do with exorting us to help the poor and needy. Which tells me it's not just that God hates poverty because it's not fair, but he hates that those who can do something about it don't. THAT'S the part that's not fair. The unjustice of it is mind-blowing, when you think about how much we really have.
Another area this relates to is that of global evangalism... they gave a crazy statistic saying that only about two percent of all missionaries go to areas where the gospel has never been preached before. And there are a lot of areas like that. That seems even more unfair than people not having food... especially considering the amount of people who keep the gospel to themselves for no good reason.
So for once, more than being inspired to run off to the other side of the world, I actually feel convicted about the way I'm living now. Because of course we all know how far a very small bit of money will go in places where even water is scarce. And yet I have to eat five dollar salads when I get even the tinyest bit hungry at school. And buy new clothes when I don't like the old ones anymore. And do something different with my hair every couple of months. There's just so many ridiculous things that we Americans spend money on.
And not only that, I'm hugely, hugely convicted about the amount I complain. If anything makes God's character of Justice cringe it has got to be hearing me whine about my incredibly easy life. The people there from YWAM, who had traveled around to many third world countries, all vehemently agreed that most people who had close to nothing were much happier than we Americans are.
But it's not just about apriciating the good things God has chosen to give me, it's more like... well, everyone has their own trials and problems they have to deal with, and God gives us strength according to our need. I just suddenly find it very pathetic that God is having to pamper me by giving me the strength to actually go to class today... comparatively, it's so easy! I don't feel like I can ever really make a difference so long as I'm hung up on rich-white-American problems. If that makes any sense.
I would really like to learn to be content with less. I would like to inspire other people to do the same, if at all possible. One, because it would give us more money to give to those who really need it. Two, because it would teach us not to complain and to see the bigger picture. Three, because it would make us more ready and able to help those who have much, much less to begin with. And ultimately, because all of this would be glorifying to God in his infinite, unfathomable justice. This ideal is just that, an ideal- and while the head knowledge has finally reached the heart, it's miles and miles away from translating into actions. Still, it's a battle I- and all Americans, really- NEED to be fighting.
"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever looses his life for My sake will save it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?" Luke 9:23-25
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Okay, I've finally made up my mind- I'm switching to a new blog. I may still use this one for my more serious thoughts, but we'll see. So, check it out here and let me know what you think.
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