Writers Block

As you can probably guess from the title, I am just now in the middle of a TERRIBLE bout of writers block over the Sci Fi story I'm helping to write.  It's funny, because I've always wanted to be a splendiforous writer, but every time I start to get really into writing again and think that maybe, just maybe, I might make it, then something comes along and challenges the whole way I think about writing, and suddenly I realize how cliche or unoriginal or immature or boring or flamboyant or dry or whatever my writing is.  And then it's discouraging to even face a blank piece of paper.  


As Winston Churchill once said, "Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public."


I like to think of myself as a brave warrior princess of a bygone age, going out clad in shinning armor with hair flowing in the wind to slay the beast of my own insufferable writers block.  But instead I find myself here, blogging to a nearly non-existent audience.  Which is okay, except that the picture of me blogging in Starbucks in real life includes all my flaws, whereas the writer of fabulous stories is free to remain gloriously incognito.  


I have a question to pose to what faithful readers I do have, however.  When you're reading, to you like to read a lot of description, or do you prefer a fast-moving story that leaves much to the imagination?  I find myself torn over this issue.  I want to write in a way that paints vivid pictures, but I don't want to ever put the brakes on my story long enough to describe things well.  The more I think about it, the more I realize I just need to make my descriptions creative enough to keep the reader totally engaged- and vivid enough to be breathtaking.  Which is hard to do... it requires more than the mere ability to put words together well.  You have to be able to think a certain way in order to write creatively, artistically- you have to be the kind of person who notices the little details and can make humorous or fictitious comparisons with them.


And that is where I find myself falling short.  While my imagination is fully functional when it comes to characters, places, and conversations, it has a hard time taking on the telling of those things in any other than a straightforward, completely UNimaginative way.  And while I like writing sentences that flow and crafting plot lines that play pleasantly with the human psyche, I don't like having to stop every few words to think about a really good comparison or totally unique adjective.  So.  That is my problem.  All you other aspiring writers out there should give me your opinions on the issue, because I am very easily inspired by your thoughts.  :-)

Married life and thoughts on Sunday's sermon

I would like to begin this first of all my married-woman posts by announcing that this blog is now officially six years old! I started this thing when I was just 15.  Which feels especially long ago now that I'm an old married woman.

Speaking of marriage...

We finally got the rest of the professional photos!  I would post some but the disk he gave us isn't really working right now.  But they will be forthcoming, I promise.  Our photographer was super rad (not really a me word, is it?) and gave us a disk and a release form so we can reproduce the pictures as much as we want.

I'm finding that married life is definitely my thing.  I love everything about it, from waking up in the morning and getting my husband out the door to cleaning the house while he's gone to experimenting with different recipes for dinner and finding ways to fill our quiet evenings together.  Of course it's not the most glamorous job in the world, and even the joy that initially came just from opening the cupboard and seeing it filled with pretty dishes is already beginning to wear off.  But that can't possibly take away from the simple satisfaction that goes with fulfilling a God-given calling day-in and day-out, which is not really something you have to be married to do- but I am finding it easier to do now that I love my job so much.

Yesterday we had an incredible sermon by Pastor Bart Carlson (aka Uncle Bart) about the phrase "Hallowed be Your name," which of course comes from the Lord's prayer.  It stirred me up to want to pray more, which is hard, but also to do more, which for me is much harder.  Part of that has to do with giving all the glory to God, which always seems like an ambiguous concept to me.  How exactly do I do that?  It seems whenever I think the words, "To God be the glory" my heart is still full of sinful pride, deep down.  But according to this sermon, the way to give all the glory to God is to constantly remember that you don't have anything which you haven't been given.

That is a truly humbling thought.  Here at home I am doing my very best to establish a homestead with my new husband, and sometimes, surprisingly, succeeding.  Even amid all the little spills, burns, lazy spells, breakdowns, squabbles, overspendatures and other mishaps that accompany life here at the Villa house, it's so easy for me to become puffed up and exhilarated whenever one meal or one cleaning day goes right- to think that I've finally done something really worthwhile. But honestly, what have I ever accomplished that wasn't first given to me, through training sessions with my mom, or supplies given to us as gifts, or a husband provided to me by none other than God himself?  Truly, I have done nothing that can honestly go to my credit- and I don't think there's a one of us who has.

It was a very convicting reminder.  Of course, doing more in the name of hallowing God's name goes much further than this one aspect- but I can't write blog posts all day.  :-)

I hope to start posting more soon.  And for all of you formerly avid bloggers who haven't posted in months, you should do the same!  Discussion question:  What's the most difficult thing you someday hope to accomplish?  There!  I challenge all of you.

forever love

Wow. I have not posted on this for quite a long time.



So, exciting news blog! I'm engaged.



And getting married one week from today.



My thoughts on this are too far and wide to really capture in a blog post. I just know that I've been learning a lot of lessons and experiencing a lot of joy and a lot of surprise and wonder as I realize what a real life, forever kind of relationship looks like. And I've been realizing exactly who I am, which is something I've been trying to realize since junior high.



So that is that. My happy beginning is just around the corner. From here on out this blog will most likely turn into a really boring montage on recipes, house decorating, and eventually stories about my kids that no one else will really find all that amusing. Somehow, I don't care. I've found my nitch, and I look forward to fulfilling all the little cliches.



Of course, I will always be me. I'll always be a romantic and always prefer fiction to reality, I'll always look at other people with my own secret amusements and delights- always have that streak of stubbornness that will keep me from becoming exactly as demure or housewifeish as perhaps I could be. It seems my imperfections are always the one thing I can't leave behind, even in this greatest of all changes. How blessed am I to have a guy who knows them and can not only overlook them, but help me to grow in them!



I think that's all. I will talk to you all again on the other side of this great divide- in the vast unknown of the future. How solemn, overwhelming and thrilling this all is! Ekk! :-)

Four Week Update

Yep, you read that right- we only have four more single Saturday mornings like this one to spend apart, me at my parents kitchen table trying to attack the wedding to-do list while Danny is hard at work on the renovation thirty minutes a away. Granted, there are many things I will miss about Single Saturdays- like hearing Ethan describe all the funny parts in last night's movie all over again and seeing Dad predictably walk in with his Saturday-only cup of store-bought coffee and sit down to observe his household and maybe read the paper. Sometimes it seems that leaving everything you've ever known is a high price to pay for a new life full of unseen bends in the road, but when I think about the man I love and the riches we will be gaining just in being together, I know it's totally worth it. Besides, Danny is a part of my family now and I a part of his, so there will never be an end of these kinds of mornings, though they may be fewer and further between.

God has been so, so good to us in recent days. First, through an unexpected turn of events, I ended up with the wedding dress I've been eyeing wistfully since I got engaged- possibe only due to my mom's willingness to spend hours working on alterations on top of everything else she's got going on. And this week our entire church family has come together to help clean up the building and grounds so everything will be in top shape for the wedding. It makes me wonder what we possibly did to deserve such incredible people in our lives when I look around me to see everyone chipping in so cheerfully and willingly. Obviously, we don't deserve it- and that's what makes it so incredible! Honestly, these people have taken the initiative to do things I never would have had the motivation to oversee myself.

And the renovation Danny is working on in the church nursery is going far better than expected, with inspections passing right and left and no shortage of help from friends and family. We're hoping to move in there for a while after the wedding, and so far it's looking like it may actually be done in time or shortly after- which is a blessing we didn't think we could count on.  

I just found out where we're going on our honeymoon and have already begun packing. Needless to say, after how busy we've been lately, we could probably be in an igloo up in Antarctica and still be perfectly content just to have uninterrupted time together- but when instead we get fine dinning, dancing, cooking lessons, and a porch with spectacular views- well, I don't even know how to handle that much bliss. You'll have to guess where we're going because it's more fun not to tell you. :-P

As I said, God has been needlessly and extravagantly good to us. I know that even this time has it's dross mixed in, and I know that our life together will not always be so sun-kissed- but I think we will always remember and come back to the joy of these days and hopefully remember to be thankful.  

Next week I head off to be a councilor at the summer camp I've been to almost every year since third grade. It's my first time doing this and I'm SO excited to escape wedding madness for a week and focus on my group of girls! When I come back, hopefully renewed and ready to face crunch time, we will have only a little over a week before out-of-town relatives start coming in. I can't wait!! Meanwhile, Danny will be working around the clock on the remodel and we would appreciate prayer for that. There won't be any getting away and resting up for him, and though he tends to be a lot like the energizer bunny this way, I'm sure he'd still appreciate it if things continued to go smoothly.

Thanks for reading. See you all on the 26th!  

~Emily

pep-talk to myself

It seems kind of pointless to post here, since no one's really on here anymore and I know I won't be for another couple of months after today... but now for the first time in I don't know how long I have free time to burn, and I find myself in need of this outlet through which I can splatter out all my ugly, undeveloped, unnovel thoughts. So here I go.

Right now I feel like exploding, and maybe it is just because I've been going non stop for so long that I don't even know how to handle myself if I'm not being told what to do anymore. I find that I hate the alone time when I have to stop and think because I always discover these terrible, ugly things in myself that I used to clear out every other day or so, but now the just build and build and build, like the dung heaps outside the city in the Old Testament.

So the question remaining is, what am I doing wrong? How can someone go at such an insane rate all the time and still find themselves avoiding sin, and not succumbing to whatever their particular addictions are just to keep themselves afloat? I certainly don't know. I never have ANYTHING under control it seems, and the not having it under control makes me freak out and sit down in the middle of the road and refuse to move. And the refusing to move makes me feel like a failure, which is where the whole dumb cycle restarts.

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? All I know is life is good, and I am extremely blessed with all of those good things people talk about being blessed with, but as always I still find things to complain about. And I don't think I'm just being petty, I think the truth is life is just not that great after all and we've got to keep our eyes focused on heaven. If that's even remotely possible, which it really doesn't seem to be for me right now. I know that that's there is light at the end of the tunnel, but right now I just need help getting through the tunnel, and the light at the end is not enough to keep me from tripping and falling over every single dumb railroad tie along the way.

Thankfully God is good and He has provided means of grace and others to pick us up along the way. Help and peace always comes eventually, if it is sought for in the right places. All I have to do is LOOK.

sick day thoughts

I know I've neglected this blog to a shocking degree lately, and I do have every intention of resurrecting it at some point. Just not quite yet. Right now I have no time for writing, which is okay because my skills in that area seem to have hit dead end anyway. I hope to take some writing classes in the next couple of years to brush up on my skills, and maybe then, if I'm not still working full time, I'll start posting regularly again.

In the mean time, here are a few lessons I've been learning lately. The first few I picked up from a sermon by Al Martin titled "How To Live So As To Be A Cause of Boasting for Your Pastor In The Day Of Judgement."

1. Philippians 2:14- "Do all things without grumbling or complaining." Why is this so hard to remember? The Isrelites complained about two things: God's provision for their physical needs, and the leadership He placed over them. God dealt with them very seriously for these sins. I tend to complain constantly about the very same things without ever giving it a second thought. Paul's next words on the subject make it very clear that this isn't just an arbitrary, random exortation- but a very key principle when it comes to being set apart "in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." Everyone complains. If we don't, the difference will stand out.

2. Blamelessness is an attainable goal. Philippians 2: 15- "...That you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish." Also Luke 1:6- "And they [Zachariah and Elizabeth] were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord." If course, it's impossible to be sinless- but to be blameless is to walk in a way that is always consistent with my profession. That means forsaking sin at every turn and leaving no turf in the lawn of my life unsurrendered to Christ's examination and transformation. How far short I fall of this every day!

3. (Not related to the sermon today.) Mission work is almost worthless without the Gospel. I've always been a huge advocate of the "cup of cold water in My name" mentality, thinking that if I just chose to serve people's physical needs in Christ's name I would be doing enough. And don't get me wrong, I still think there is some value in doing humanitarian work- just as there is value in doing accounting work or street-sweeping. But there is no longer any question in my mind that what starving people need the most is the gospel, and that it's not arrogant or blind to say so. Of course we don't just hand out Bibles and leave people to starve- but it is just as foolish to imagine that we can do the opposite and have any kind of lasting effect. Also, I'm realizing it takes serious organization and wisdom on the part of those willing to undertake these kinds of efforts in order to be truly effective, which is daunting and also exciting. It really makes me want to get my ducks in a row so faster so that I can be of more use in this lost and dying world- although I wonder just how far I have to go before I can really be a worthy tool!

4. Being a woman is a huge, daunting, overwhelming and also thrilling responsibility. I guess all my life I thought I had two options- settle down and be a Godly woman in a family (good) or be a world traveler and do big things (great). I'm learning that no matter where I am, weather it's in Africa teaching English or here raising children, my job will be basically the same- and that roll is fundamentally grounded in small services and daily sacrifices that add up to a glorious responsibility. I'm sure I will always struggle to find the meaning in the mundane work I have to do, but it's through this kind of work that the greatest efforts of the world have been accomplished. Girls, it's not even just about supporting the men in our lives or taking a back seat to bigger dreams- it's about doing what we were designed as women to do. I don't think I'm quite tapping into the full power of this concept with these weak words, but needless to say I've been inspired.

That's all for now folks!

so please tell m-m-m-me what there is to complain about

Well, I've been planning this blog post for about a month now, but life has gotten crazy in unpreccedented ways. Do you like my new background? I can't decide if it's vintage-y or just little-house-in-the-prarie-ish. I couldn't handle the winter wonderland anymore since I now work in an unheated wearhouse and have become much more interested in the quilts-and-hot-chocolate side of winter than the whole snow thing.

Between my new full time job and my new incredible boyfriend, I find that my time lately is no longer my own. Not that I'm complaining, because really my time never was my own and I hope that for the rest of my life I will have ways to spend it wisely rather than horde it. But I do miss not having time to write, especially since I am learning so many new things and changing so much right now!

One thing I've been thinking a lot about is love. Nope, not THAT kind- the God kind. I've been thinking about the command to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength," and how there's really no way around the fact that this requires some output of emotion. Also, the Bible says, "he who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me." So what I'm gathering is that we are REQUIRED to have an emotional attachment to and preference for God above every thing else in existance.

A lot of times when I think about that it seems oppressively difficult, because my heart is compulsive and wraps it's self tenatiously around perishing things and relationships. So what I have been realizing (through God's grace) is that it's not as much about loving the tangable things less as it is about loving God more. Loving Him not just in a sacrificial and resigned way, but in an active and joyful way.

And the most amazing part is that I think, just maybe, the more you love God, the more you'll be able to love others. I think this is Biblical because the very next part of that original verse is to "love your neighbor as yourself." Which makes me wonder and hope that maybe preparing for eternity actually requires living and loving MORE rather than less. Like these are the practice grounds in which our souls are conditioned in the matters that will have weight in eternity. In which case, nothing done here is irrelevent or insignificant in the big picture, not even the things that seem like they're just here to tie us over until we get to our real home.

Pretty cool, right?