Lessons from Working (Outside the Home)

What a week this has been! There are two major things on my mind today, causing so many realizations and revelations that I don't know how I'll manage to capture them all. It seems God often works this way- bringing me though long stretches of desert land until suddenly I stumble into an oasis of learning and growing, although usually it doesn't feel quite like an oasis at first.

First of all, I spent the last three days working outside the home for an (albeit small) paycheck at a co-op function, providing childcare for nine two-and-three year olds. I'm not really sure what motivated me to take this position in the first place, except for maybe greed and selfish ambition, but in the end I'm very glad I did. I've never been so appreciative of what my husband does by going to work for eight hours every day, or so thankful for the ability to stay home with my children!

And it's not that it was a miserable experience- in fact it was quite liberating and empowering to realize that the skills I've picked up in the last two years of motherhood are actually marketable and also very valuable to moms and kids alike. But it was completely exhausting. And completely overwhelming coming home every day to find that the cheerios spilled on the floor at breakfast were still there, the beds still unmade, dinner unprepared, and laundry unwashed.  Those of you moms who do work outside the home on a daily basis: my hat is off to you. I can hardly imaging having the kind of energy to keep up with it all!

As someone who has often struggled with the roll of Stay At Home Mom this was exactly the kind of reality check I needed. I recognize now that staying home with one's children is an incredible gift, both to give and to get. The children in my care for the last three days needed constant love and attention, constant affirmation and encouragement. And really what they wanted most was mommy, as expressed in loud, heartbreaking periods of sobbing throughout the day. (Happily all of the kids I watched are in homes where they do get to stay home with Mom most of the time!) I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to provide my children with a bubble of safe, affirming love and gentle direction while they are in these formative years. I'm so thankful that our lives are peaceful and not chaotic. I'm so thankful that I can focus 100% of my energies on guiding the formation of their characters while there is still time to do so. God has been good to us in this way.

Furthermore, this experience somehow brought me to the realization that childcare is difficult, dynamic, and high-skill level work. My helpers were all teenagers who had some level of experience in the childcare industry (even if it was just with their own siblings) and I was astounded at the knowledge and aptitude they demonstrated. Truthfully some of them were more competent than I was. It made me realize that not everyone knows what to do when a child falls and gets hurt, or starts choking, or has a completely emotional breakdown- but I do, because I'm a mother. A robot could not do my job for me, nor is there anything mundane, superficial or demeaning about this work. It is an encouraging thought for me.

I recognize that not all mothers have the opportunity to stay home, and I certainly don't think it's sinful for women to work outside the home. I know God will provide for each family and each child in His own perfect way, and there's no one-size-fits-all plan for family management. I'm just saying this is the best way for us, and I dare even say it's probably the best way for most families, as long as finances allow.

Well, my time is gone and I didn't even get to talking about the Proverbs 31 study I've been doing with Good Morning Girls this week. Perhaps I'll come back to that tomorrow. But today thankfulness will be my mantra as I go about catching up on laundry, bills, and cleaning. It might be exhausting work but it's oh so worth having a cozy, unhurried home to enjoy with my family this evening!

Acceptance for Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner?

I don't usually pay much attention to the news, other than scrolling my Facebook feed and listening to KIRO radio here and there. But there have been a couple of news stories lately that have caught my attention, and I've done a bit of reading in the blogosphere and elsewhere to get caught up to speed. I'm talking about the picture on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine of Bruce Jenner as a woman, and the recent so-called "scandal" involving the Duggar family.

Mostly, I've been noticing the reactions of Christians to these events.  And with a few exceptions, I've been a little confused about what I've seen. I've seen several blog posts from Christian writers emphasizing the need for love and acceptance when it comes to a transgender person having a sex change and coming out as a woman on the cover of a trashy magazine. And I've seen condemnation and anger towards a Christian family due to the sexual abuse their son openly admits to having inflicted on a handful of girls when he was 14 years old, despite his broken, humble, and honest confession and repentance- and the fact that this all happened over ten years ago. 

I understand these reactions, I really do. We don't want to be too harsh towards a sinner like Bruce Jennings who is outside of our ranks, nor do we want to be too accepting of a sinner inside our ranks, lest we all look like a bunch of bigoted hypocrites. And I'm not saying that we should run around writing harsh, demeaning articles about Bruce Jenner while ignoring the sins of Josh Duggar (which is the ditch on the other side of the road that I've also seen recently). 

Friends, this is sin we are dealing with here. Sin is a dark, serious, heavy matter. When faced with sins like these, we should not respond with sarcasm (as one very prominent Christian blogger has done), nor with accolades, nor with contempt. We shouldn't use sin to tout some agenda or to prove a point. 

There is only one appropriate reaction to sin, and that is sadness- sadness that comes with an understanding of the old phrase "there but for the grace of God go I." 

We should be sad when we see a man giving up his God-given identity and changing it for a lie. We should be sad when we hear about a boy within the church falling into gross and inexcusable behavior. 

But there is one major difference between these two situations, and that difference is the point upon which the whole Gospel hinges. One of these men has repented of his sin. He has gone to God and to those he has hurt and cried out for forgiveness. He has done everything in his power to rehabilitate himself and to make sure he never makes the same mistakes again. And more importantly than all of this, his soul has been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ, in whom he places all of his hope.

The other man has not repented. Rather, he is glorying in his sin. He is on the broad path leading to destruction, tragically deceived by a world who is giving him a standing ovation for his courage in indulging his sinful tendencies. Christians, we cannot be found among those clapping in that crowd. The very souls of those around us may depend on it. We are called to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves, and in that manner we must take a firm stand against this bold and un-repended-of sin.

Yes, Christ preaches a message of love. Yes, he preaches a message of condemnation towards sin. But we have missed the whole point if we start emphasizing only the love part towards those who are not putting their faith in Christ, and emphasizing only the condemnation towards those who have. It's as simple as that: repentance and faith make all the difference. Otherwise, sinners are just sinners and we ought all to be condemned along side both of these men. 

So yes, we should not be without love towards Bruce Jenner. But love and acceptance are very different things- Christ was big on love, not big on acceptance outside of a saving relationship with Him. 

But because of God's grace, there is hope! And for that, there is much reason to rejoice along with families like the Duggars, who have seen the grace of God adamantly at work in their eldest son. For my part I'm happier than ever to support this family and I feel deeply for what they have gone through in the last couple of weeks. I hope the Christian community will rally around them in this difficult time, as I know many already have. The media is a cruel and heartless thing! As for Bruce Jenner, I hope we will all remember to pray that the same grace may one day be evident in him. After all, there is no sinner so sinful he is out of the reach of Christ!

Ode to a Friendship

This is my cousin Bethany (and one of her sisters), in the back of her family's suburban as she leaves her childhood home on the way to her wedding. This happened last Friday, and she and Samuel have been married for just short of one week now. It was (obviously) a beautiful occasion, and now they are traveling for their honeymoon before heading home... to California. My heart is full as I think about that day, watching one of my very closest childhood friends put on a wedding dress and with it assume all the responsibilities, challenges, and graces of independent adulthood. There is no doubt in my mind that she is completely ready for this, I just don't know if I am! 

Change is an inevitable part of life, but there are certain things that you never expect change to touch. This was one of them for me. Due to the risk of emotional breakdown, I will refrain from mentioning any of the zillions of memories I have shared with this girl over the years. She's put up with so much from me (as any of our parents will tell you!) and has always been there to deliver a much-needed dose of common sense and to sympathize with every little thing I might be feeling. 

As I've grown up in basically the same place for most of my life I've had the strange experience of watching many of my closest friends leave. In some ways I envy them their adventures, and in some ways I just want it all to go back to the way it was. 

But I am thankful for confidence in the fact that whenever life does cause our paths to cross again, we will be able to pick up right where we left off. I have quite a few people in my life like that, and I know that this makes me very rich indeed- even if my riches are a little bit scattered!

And with all of this sadness, I can honestly say that NOTHING makes me happier than to see the people I love faithfully following the Lord into whatever He has for them, especially when it makes them so very happy. So here's to you, Beth, for so gracefully and bravely stepping into this new and exciting life. May it be everything you dreamed it would be and more!

Feminism, Objectification, and the In-Between.

Lately I've been reading a book, who's title I'll refrain from mentioning, which has sparked lots of thoughts in my mind about feminism. The book takes a staunchly anti-feminism position, which for the most part I agree with- but I also think the writers take things a bit too far. Let's not forget that feminism is a ditch on one side of a the road, and there is a ditch on the other side which consists of the abuse, objectification, and demoralization of women. Our culture seems to call to us loudly from both of these ditches, sending a confusing and frustrating message to our girls and creating women who are equally overbearing and insecure... and also (dare I say it?) largely unhappy.

As Christian women I believe we are called, like Bunyan's Christian, to walk through the narrow pathway between these two lions (feminism and objectification), and it is with fear and trembling that I set out to teach my daughter how to do this. Of course the only real hope we have is to keep our eyes fixed on the light of the Word, as "a lamp to our feet and a light to our path."

One of the things that really bothers me about a lot of Christian literature on this subject is the vague idea that the ONLY place a woman can really fulfill her God-given identity as a women is in the home. I just don't see how this is supported in scripture. Single women can and should work. Women who are married without children may want to work and have every Biblical right to do so. Even women with children have no Biblical mandate to be home with them ALL the time. Literature supporting the idea that staying home with one's children is the source of all happiness for women paints a very bleak picture for those who can't live this way, either because of an unsaved husband, financial difficulties, or the inability to have children.

God does give directives for women in scripture, which every girl ought to begin studying as soon as she is old enough to understand. We should be nurturers, living with an attitude of service not just towards men, but towards EVERYONE around us. We should have gentle and quiet spirits. We should speak with the law of kindness on our tongues, and allow our presence to be a softening influence on society. We should accept our status as the weaker vessel, and we should not take up positions of leadership over men within the church. As we get older we should seek to teach and instruct younger women. We should look for ways to beautify and brighten the world around us. It is THESE things that make up my identity as a woman, and that allow me to find true peace in fulfilling the calling God has given me to do. In my case they happen to work themselves out within the sphere of home life, but let's not over-glorify that... true Biblical womanhood can also take place in an office, at college, in the mission field, or anywhere else that God may call a woman to go. We don't need husbands and children to be women after God's own heart!

I do hear this message from time to time in Christian culture, but not as much as I think I should. I can't help wondering if part of the reason our girls struggle so much with purity is because we put marriage on a pedestal where it does not belong. Don't get me wrong- it IS wonderful. I have found the greatest earthly joy I have ever known within the context of marriage and submission to a Godly man. But that is only earthly joy, and there is a joy still greater... the joy of knowing that "as He stands in victory, sins curse has lost it's grip on me- for I am His, and He is mine." Hallelujah! It is for THIS that we strive. Nothing else will ever fully satisfy- not even marriage, not even children. We waste too much time thinking we would be happy if only __________.

Of course the ditch on the other side of the road is thinking that there is no value in being a stay-at-home wife/mother, and I think this lie is just as damaging and destructive. You really have to be crazy to think motherhood is a demeaning roll, because it takes a ton of energy and strategic planning and brain power to make it all happen. I also find it strange that people don't see how deeply meaningful and wonderful it is, when you are literally THE biggest influence upon one or more human lives, which has a snowball effect beyond what we can even fully imagine.

So- I do plan to teach my daughter how to cook and clean and play hostess for a crowd. I will teach her to respect and admire women who thrive within the context of home life, but I will teach her to look forward eagerly to whatever God may have in store for her. I hope this will strike a good balance between the two extremes of our culture and allow her to find true contentment in the life God has for her. Oh, what a delicate, tricky business it is to be a woman these days... and yet what a wonderful calling!

Where did the muse go?

Well, here it is, late on a Friday night (yes, 10:00 is late for a pregnant momma), and I find myself all alone in a quiet house with nothing but my feelings to think about. I keep telling myself I won't get so personal in these blog posts, but it continues to be the only thing that drives me to writing at all anymore... so here I go. 

Something has been bothering me lately.

Something that I don't think most people ever think about when they ask me how my day was or what's going on in my life. I think they are distracted by the fact that I have an adorable one-year-old on my hip and a gigantic baby bump inside my belly. This is understandable to me. I also find that for some reason everyone things I'm the kind of person who never wanted anything more than to grow up and be a wife and mother. I don't take offense at this assumption (which has been verbally expressed to me a number of times recently) because I think it's a compliment in a way and I kind of do wish it was true... but it's SO not. 

Most of my life all I've ever wanted to do was write stories. When I first married my husband, we talked a lot about it because it was concerning to him how disinterested I was in the prospect of having children. And to take this confession further: I really don't like kids that much. I love my baby, because I can't help it... but it's not like I'm this sweet motherly person who's always looking for opportunities to nurture someone.  On principle I want a big family, but in practice it terrifies me to think of having a house full of loud, attention-needing, dirty little kids. They are cute, but they take up a lot of space and time and money. Especially time.

So now you see the selfishness that dwells deep down inside me. But aside from the prospect of being worn out all the time, I don't think these things would bother me so much if it weren't for my ambitions, which are becoming nothing more than a thorn in my flesh these days. I don't think it really matters much what those ambitions are, but having some sort of ambition is very, very important to me. Writing has always been something I could do, so I made it my ambition to become an author before I died, even if it was just a one-time deal. I've clung to that and worked towards that since I was a child. Having an ambition makes me feel like I'm a person unto myself, without needing to be defined by those around me. Perhaps this is also selfishness... perhaps it's worldliness. Perhaps it's just necessary. 

I always told myself I wouldn't let go of my writing, even after I got married and had children. I was absolutely sure if it... I'd seen other mothers give up on their "dreams" and succumb to the (I thought) soul-sucking reality of children-raising until it took over their lives completely. I would have none of it! 

Well, I didn't know a thing when I thought those prideful thoughts. Ever since Katara was born, I have spent hours every month sitting in front of a blank computer screen trying to force words onto a page, trying to craft a story which I care nothing about. I guess it didn't happen overnight, but every day I care a little less, until now, it's like I can hardly even force myself to read novels because I can only think about the pointlessness of the story. It's not real, it never was real... it can only have a minimal effect on anyone's life at best, and at worst will only serve to entertain and distract busy housewives like me.

This is SO depressing to me. I know I'm missing passion. Writing and reading used to be a wonderful escape for me because I was a wild young thing full of emotions and I could be swept away in a moment by a beautifully written scene on a page. And now I'm just sort of tired all the time, and my mind NEVER stops thinking about stupid little details- like how many ounces of formula Katara should be drinking at this age and how often the dog needs to be bathed. It's the curse of motherhood, I'm convinced- the inability to stop thinking. I even find myself getting caught up in the petty problems of others, trying to churn out solutions to transportation issues and food preparations that aren't even my responsibility to worry about. These things really don't matter at all in the end of the day. None of this does, except for pouring all the love and care I can into my children so that they will thrive in the world someday... and God knows I spend far too little time thinking about that.

I think if I never wrote again, I could be perfectly fine with that. It would be a relief, even, to release myself from that ambition. But then I wouldn't be anybody at all, except for Katara's mom and Danny's wife. This would drive me crazy, and not just because I want people to think I'm something special. I know I NEED something all my own to contribute to this world, even if it is stupid and petty compared to the high calling of motherhood. I long to be caught up in excitement for a project again, and to feel a sense of pride in the work I'm doing. 

What am I supposed to do here? Should I just drop my ambitions, and try to be content with the definite calling God has given me for right now? Should I keep pushing myself to write, even when it feels like trying to breathe life into a skeleton? Or should I try to find a new passion to keep me going when the days of diaper changes and meal plans get too long?

One thing I do know: there is no such thing as "just" a mom. I think it would be nice if the world at large learned to ask stay-at-home moms about their ambitions, because I'm pretty sure we all have them, even if they are so buried under our responsibilities they haven't seen the light of day in years. People don't exist just to keep the world running... we all like to make it a little more interesting along the way too. It is this which keeps us human. And we moms are human too, despite what our children (and culture) may sometimes think of us!

Sunday Reflections

Wow- it has been a long time since I've posted here!

Today was such a weird day. My sister was baptized at her church in a nearby town, which was a TREMENDOUS blessing to see. It is always so moving to see people walking in obedience to God and backing that up with such a public declaration of faith. And it is also always a blessing to go to sister churches and meet/reacquaint with other believers. Even just the little things done differently- the music, the order of the worship, and the decor in the sanctuary- can put new energy into worship.

Of course, that wasn't quite my experience today. My baby is a very good baby most of the time, and a terribly rotten baby the rest of the time. Today was the latter. Combine an unfamiliar setting, post-vacation exhaustion, and a forgotten pacifier, and I spent the entirety of Sunday School and morning service trying desperately to sooth a VERY fussy child. It reminded me of the days when she had colic and we would bounce and rock and sush her until we were at our emotional breaking points.

Thankfully my husband took over so that I could see the baptism and participate in communion, which was refreshing and wonderful.

I also got to hold an adorable eight week old baby today, who was so small I was convinced she must have been a premature newborn. Turns out she was a whooping eleven pounds... how quickly I'd forgotten just how tiny and fragile they are at the beginning! I felt like a total ninconpoop holding her, like I had no idea what to do.

All of this got me thinking... maybe the arrival of baby number two is going to be just a bit more stressful than I might have first thought.  This pregnancy has so far been devoid of any stress or apprehension whatsoever, and I already feel bonded to the little being swimming around inside me (something that didn't happen with Katara until days AFTER she was born). But there is a practical element of this addition to our family that is going to leave me twice- maybe three times- as exhausted and emotional as I already am. Today the weight of all that I'm giving up to be a mother is hitting me a bit harder than usual, and I can't help but wonder what other sacrifices are around the corner.

I think one thing I am learning is that I can no longer depend on anyone else to lead me to God. My husband does a wonderful job of leading us in family devotions, and I hear great preaching most Sundays, but the fact of the matter is I can't always be fully there when I have a baby to take care of, and even when the baby is taken care of sometimes I'm just not quite mentally or emotionally able to take in what I'm hearing. This means I have to seize every moment when I am free and clear-headed to go to God on my own, to study the scripture and maybe revisit some of the texts and topics that came up in other venues.

I have also been thinking a lot of the peace that comes from doing the right thing. When I am stressed and hormonal and exhausted beyond the reach of rational thought, my tendency is to throw myself upon the nearest source of strength- usually my husband- and look for any way out of the load I'm carrying. But usually that only leaves me feeling more miserable. It is far better to pray for strength, if not to triumph victoriously then only to plod on till the end of that moment, hour, or day without sinning. Asking myself what my Lord would do if He were in my shoes can spare me a lot of future regret. And at the end of it all, I may be a little more tired than I would be if I'd squirmed out from under it- but I will have that peace that passes understanding, which is far more important than any lightening of the load.

Not to say that a little load lightening is always the wrong thing! Or that it's not sometimes necessary to stop all together and admit that I am weak- maybe even to cry. As long as I am willing to get back up afterward and plod on!

a moment in time

Hello from Lake Chelan, Washington!  We have been SO blessed to receive this week-long getaway at a gorgeous lake-side condo for FREE because a family member couldn't use it. Danny had a week of vacation that was going to disappear in January, but being low on cash this holiday season we weren't planning to use it... and yet, here we are, showered in God's abundant love yet again.

Because of that low on cash thing, and also because our lives have been certifiably crazy for the last four months, we've elected to spend most of this week indoors with coffee and blankets, working on the hobbies that have fallen by the wayside in the midst of bringing up baby. For me this (of course) means writing... what does that word mean again? Oh, right. It means arranging words in the form of sentences, which then make paragraphs, which then make chapters of the novella I'm supposed to be writing for the final class in my certificate.

And here it is that I find myself coming head-to-head with the things I hate about myself. First of all, I'm realizing that for all the scheduling and to-do list making that I do at home, I am NOT a scheduled person. I like to make a schedule just to see how much I could, potentially, get done in a day- in other words, to map out the possibilities. I usually have no intention of keeping that schedule, and if the muse hits or a friend calls or Katara is being particularly cute, that schedule goes out the window without a second thought. Do I end up disappointed in myself? Usually. But only at the end of the day, looking back, when I realize I have yet again failed to hold myself to the standards I set. During the day, I am perfectly, undeniably content to drift from whim to whim, diving nose-first into projects and planning for the future which will, of course, go nothing like my plans.

It's the possibilities that are exciting, not the realization of them.

Anyway, self-analyzation aside, I do love to have everything all taken care of an all my ducks in a row- blog updated, facebook checked, emails replied to and properly filed into folders, baby fed, changed, bathed, and sleeping, lunch simmering on the stove- these are the moments when I feel high on life and finally, finally ready to sit down to the business of doing what I was supposedly born to do- writing. But then of course what always happens is the baby wakes up, the soup overflows, or a new email comes in- and I am whisked off again in the process of homemaking and mothering. I'm always kind of relieved, because starting to write is such a daunting thing- which makes it very clear that what I was really born to do was be a wife, homemaker, and mother, even though this is somehow hard for me to admit.

Ah well. The point is, life is very good, and I have much to be thankful for. Also much to learn- but I have the feeling that while I'm in the middle of scrambling and dreaming and scheming and planning the way I want my life to be, real life will take over and when I look back on it at the end of eighty years, I won't be disappointed.