I'd like to change the world // it's easier than changing me

It's a funny thing, this blog. It means way too much to me to have somewhere where I can say whatever I want and people HAVE to listen. Or at least I can think they are listening even if they really arn't, which is fine too.

I have been re-thinking my plans to run away to the oposite side of the world when I'm done with school. I don't think my motives are as noble as I used to think. I think I just want to express my independence and prove that I can do whatever I want with my life. Which isn't really a godly attitude. I'm trying to figure out if there is anything in me that trully cares about people who are starving, and if so, does that justify my going? There has got to be a balance here between sitting around pinning after a husband and just trying to get attention and glory for myself. I'm developing a bad habit of making a lot of motion and noise in my life to shut out the things that are really bothering me rather than taking them straight to God.

Praying for guidence is sticky, uncertain business. I'm never sure where the answers are really comming from. For now I'm just going to focus on trying to serve selflessly around here, which ironically seems much harder than living in a shack feeding starving people.

Does anyone else ever struggle with the apparent meaninglessness of our lives? I mean, all we do is eat and sleep and work and entertain ourselves, and then we start all over again... it's so discouraging sometimes. It makes me want to scream and break out of the trend, but I kind of suspect it's impossible to do that while staying a mortal human being.

tell me something new, forget about the sunshine when it's gone

I'm so tired right now, I just want to fall into that sweet oblivian of sleep. Lately I haven't been dreaming, just sleeping soundly as though none of the events going on in my life have any affect on me in the least. I'm like a pebble someone threw into a creek, so rough around the edges at first that the water had to fight and sputter and sprout just to get around me. But now the water has worn me smooth as glass and it flows around me so easily I hardly notice it at all.

Then sometimes there are these massive waves that uproot me entierly, and I'm tumbling headlong through bubbles and whirlpools and scattered patches of shadow and light.

I've been thinking a lot about the future these days. I'm really excited for it. I've finally overcome my fear of getting older- I'm trully excited to be fifty and have children and grandchildren and a whole lifetime of God's love to bask in and reflect on. I'm not afraid of being alone, either. I think it's going to be great, no matter what happens. I've got plans, ideas, tangable things within my grasp that I just have to reach out and take.

But sometimes I think I'm getting too confident, too independent, too eager. I mean, who do I think I am? I'm just one tiny little person, I can only do so much, and I'm always so tired and depressed. Why am I dying to get out of here, away from the people, the places, the pastimes that are safe, secure, permenant? I'm so afraid that God's going to knock me down and make me fill that little space where He is supposed to be glorified, and maybe that's actually His will for me. Maybe I'm wrong to fight against that- trying to defy gravity.

I don't know, I think I'm talking nonsense at this point, but I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, God does want us each to be the best that we can be- that somehow, he can be glorified and I can vanquish pride and vanity while shining brightly, like the city on the hill that cannot be hidden. Does any of this make any sense?

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?

we fight and crawl our way back home, but we're going the wrong way

Recently I have been learning that I really can't do God's work for him. Sometimes I get so carried away with my personal adgenda, wanting someone to be saved, wanting to fix a broken relationship, wanting to reform a world of half-way Christians. But I forget to actually pray about these things and start taking control, trying to force the issue. When really, only God can make someone really want to find Him. Or really think seriously about theology. Or really see that the way they are acting is hurting their family.

This has NOT been an easy lesson for me to learn, especially as I realize the way I have actually been pushing people away with my methods, my over-eagerness and all that. But I want to know how I can go about being Christ, as it were, to the people around me- without being up in their faces or acting like I just don't care. I'm thinking the answer is mostly to set the best example possible, something I'm not very good at because I much prefer to blend in, and then to wait patiently for apropriate times to say a few choice words. And pray like crazy. That's got to be more effective than lectures and arguing with people, I would think.

Also, I wish that I knew how to really study the Bible. I really wish I wasn't so exausted every time I start trying, because then I might actually get somewhere. The more I've been thinking about these things, the witnessing and being a "little Christ," the more important it seems that my walk is consistent with my talk. But so often it's not. So often I just don't even know how to pray. I feel like a little more honesty about these struggles from us Christians might make us a lot more accessable to a generation that is obsessed with authenticity, but at the same time, we've got to be serious about this. We've got to be walking with Christ in every possible sense of the word or we're never going to convince anyone that what we have is real.

Anyway. That's my rant for the day, to myself mostly. btw, I am done with school for this quarter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

here we come a wassaling

My hands are so friged typing is kind of painful right now. I'm DREADING walking out to my car. Why haven't I learned to bring an eskimo suit with me everywhere I go? *sigh*

Let's see. What has happened since I last posted?

We had choir shows on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday, and Sunday. So now I'm completely sick of people who were pretty much strangers one week ago. :-P Just kidding, we've got great people in choir this quarter. BIG personalities all around, it seems. It was fun to see people who always seem quiet and focused come out of their shells- sometimes slowly and sometimes poping out and whizzing all over the place like an escaped snitch. Some of these people can get you so wound up you'll be exausted after an hour. But totally worth it. :-)

This has all been very upsetting because I've always been tempted to go into show buisness and now I'm REALLY tempted. Oh woe is me! I might just have to give in one of these days. But at least now I feel like I've kind of fufilled my goal of being part of a play, because even though this wasn't a musical it was about as fun, at least in the backstage parts.

What else. Is there anything else? I've been sleeping and eating choir lately, it's gonna be hard to go back to normal life. Yesterday I hung out at the H's for a while. We made popcorn and played Old Maid. It was a very peaceful, relaxed afternoon for a change. Last night was extreeeeeeeemly windy. I am drinking instant coffee right now because Eric broke our coffee pot, and I actually like this stuff BETTER. How weird is that?

oh frabcious day, callo-callay

I like today. And the day before, and the day before that. I haven't really had a day I didn't like in a while, all things considered. It's a combination of Christmas and chior and friends and coffee. I'm a happy camper.

Let me tell you about some of the wonderful things that have happened to me lately.

First of all, I turned 20. Weather or not being 20 is a good thing is still up for debate.

-PROS-

closer to moving out

closer getting married

closer to being done with school

and

closer to being able to drink alchohol.

Just kidding. :-)

-CONS-

closer to dying

furthur from childhood

more responsibility

and

less excuses.

For my birthday my friends Dan, Christina, Jacob, and Raeshelle came over and surprised me by taking me to the play Meet Me In St. Louis.

It was SPECTACULAR!

It's a story about a happy family in which everyone ends up engaged and no one dies except the dolls. After that I spent the night at the Calvins and the next day my parents gave me lots of gifts and money, and my aunt and uncle came all the way to Puyallup just to deliver a CUPCAKE.

Oh, and it was CARMEL MACHIADO.

On Thanksgiving, my friend Christina got herself an engagement ring.

O<) <---Like this.

I can talk about this now because I think she's already told everyone here who she knows. I am SO EXCITED for them! I am even going to get to be a bridesmaid. But the most important thing is that one of my very best friends in the whole wide world found someone who loves her and will take good care of her f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Congrats to Dan&Kina!

On Monday, we had our first Victorian Country Christmas rehersal. We have an AMAZING stage. It is huge and it has houses on it, complete with built-in baby Jesus. Tonight will be our first performance.

tonight the super trooper lights are gonna find me, shining like the sun...

Also,

the mall and our house and the community center we dance in have been decorated for Christmas! I LOVE shopping around Christmastime. In the very center of our mall is a tree so big you could live in it, like indians in a tipi. And the MUSIC is everywhere!

So yeah.

That's about the gist of it.

:-)