This has been "one of those days." The kind where technically, everything is absolutely perfect, but deep down something's bothering you that you can't even really put your finger on. This week I find myself running headlong into every situation that will require full brain power, therefore leaving none leftover to think. Reason being that thinking leads to feeling and feeling leads to carring, which can cause all sorts of trouble. This applies not only to relationships but just about everything else in life too, I'm learning.
So when I finally decided to go to bed tonight and got to the point where there was no more noise or responsabilities to distract me, it all started rushing in and I began to feel kind of miserable. Just that empty lonely meaningless ache that cannot be reasoned away. So in a last-shot attempt at distracting myself, I decided to just jump into my devos for the night. And this is the passage I came to:
"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)
And this is what J.C. Ryle had to say about it: "God the Son shares with us a common experience of living in a fallen world. His understanding of us is not therefore theoretical but personally experienced."
This was somewhat comforting, because it seemed so appropriate to the things I has been dealing with before I started reading. It's cool to realize that Christ has empathy and not just sympothy for what I'm dealing with. But I still felt pretty empty and disatisfied, although I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. When the God of the Universe is stooping to spoon-feed me encouragements at exactly the time I need them, how can I possibly still feel lonely?
Then it occured to me- I'm human. As such, I'm always going to want things like a physical face to react to the things I'm saying, or a physical arm around my shoulders to support me, or a physical voice to encourage me. We humans are crazy about this stuff, about relating to one another. But it's funny, because so often when we build friendships and hang out and invest time and money into one another, it's for the simplest, most insignificant things. While the deapths of love possible between two humans is on one hand phenominal, on the other hand it's very basic and simple- a kind of "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" arrangement.
All this to say, I realized in that moment that wanting and seeking after a relationship with Jesus Christ is harder than befriending other people. It's not as natural, or as easy. It's like cultivating a taste for anything really worth enjoying in this life, from fine wine to jazz music. It will always be easier to drink cheap soda and listen to popular radio, but in the end of the day, it won't be as fufilling. So if I can get past the shallow, silly things that I want out of other people, I will discover that what I really want is Christ. That the song and dance of human relationships is fun and even necessary, but not by any means the best out there.
Here's an example of one of the ways in which Christ makes a vastly supperior friend to any we will find on this earth:
"Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." (Hebrews 2:17)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
you want a new song, like a new religion
Some people have this amazing talent for writing really interesting things that make others want to read them. Somehow, this has never exactly been my goal in writing, although it should be. I mean, that's what sells. And the authress crafting her story is not really any different from the spider spinning her web- she wants the reader to be caught, irreversably, stuck there turning pages into the wee hours of the morning until there are no more pages to turn. This is how you make a living as a writer, I am told.
Then there are those who take things the complete oposite direction, and want everything to be original, rule-breaking, even difficult. While I admire writers who can spin a tale to catch unsuspecting readers, I have a much harder time with this later kind. I mean, it's good to be original, and fresh creative ideas are everything in the world of writing. But I really think there is such a thing as forced creativity- side stepping and shimming around every already-done idea like you're a spy trying to get through a room of lasers to the prize on the other side- ORIGINALITY! I think it's stupid.
Which is why I'd much rather read a honest, down to earth story about a small town boy who goes on a simple adventure and meets a small town girl than most anything else that's out there. Down to earth is not a marketing gimmic or a desperate grasp at originality. The best part is that you get the feeling it just flowed out of the writers pen, without much forethought or overanalizing or consideration of the consequences... it's usually just raw and unscripted, the deepest and most honest things in the writer's heart.
And really, this makes sense, because the things that human beings really want and need don't ever change, and there is only a surprisingly small handful of these kinds of things to choose from.
I would include any typical fantasy story in this chategory, even if the elves are graceful and beautiful and the dwarves live under the mountains. These things are classic elements that can be used to tell a thousand different stories, most of which are, at the heart of things, relatable and simple. Like the Lord of the Rings or (please don't think of the movie) Eragon. Or C.S. Lewis. But fantasy and sci-fi are awesome because the ways to be creative without forcing it are pretty much endless. Which may be why it's my favorite genre of all time.
Other than these criteria, the mark of a really good book for me hangs on writing style. I love books like Jane Eyre that have really boring plot lines, and yet are still so engaging to read you can't put them down- like you don't even CARE what's happening. Words that fit well together and paint pictures so vivid you feel like you're there. That is what I aspire to be able to do someday.
In conclusion, if you have not yet read the book Red Sails to Capri, go out and buy yourself a copy right now and read the whole entire thing, and you will know exactly what I mean. :-)
"Well" -Angelo looked around him- "do we start or don't we? Or perhaps we are waiting for Pietro's donkeys?" He picked up a large lunch basket and put it into one of the boats.
Michele stared at the basket. Was it really filled with rocks, as his mother had promised? Suddenly he realized that he had had nothing to eat since Saturday evening. Now it was noon on Sunday. Michele thought of his morning. He had run from the inn to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to Pietro's house; from Pietro's house to the top of the mountain; from the top of the mountain to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to the Grande Marina. He was sure he had never been so hungry in all his life.
"Papa?"
"Yes, Michele?"
"What's in the basket?"
"I don't know, Michele. Your mother handed it to me just as we were leaving. I haven't had time to look inside."
"Papa, may I look and see?"
"Look, look! Of course you can look. But you know what your mother said- a basketful of rocks."
Michele lifted the white cloth that covered the basket and peered inside: fresh bread and cheese, smoked fish and olives, grapes and oranges.
"Papa? Look!"
Signor Pagano lifted the white cloth as Michele had done.
"Michele," he said slowly, "I think Mamma understands after all."
Then there are those who take things the complete oposite direction, and want everything to be original, rule-breaking, even difficult. While I admire writers who can spin a tale to catch unsuspecting readers, I have a much harder time with this later kind. I mean, it's good to be original, and fresh creative ideas are everything in the world of writing. But I really think there is such a thing as forced creativity- side stepping and shimming around every already-done idea like you're a spy trying to get through a room of lasers to the prize on the other side- ORIGINALITY! I think it's stupid.
Which is why I'd much rather read a honest, down to earth story about a small town boy who goes on a simple adventure and meets a small town girl than most anything else that's out there. Down to earth is not a marketing gimmic or a desperate grasp at originality. The best part is that you get the feeling it just flowed out of the writers pen, without much forethought or overanalizing or consideration of the consequences... it's usually just raw and unscripted, the deepest and most honest things in the writer's heart.
And really, this makes sense, because the things that human beings really want and need don't ever change, and there is only a surprisingly small handful of these kinds of things to choose from.
I would include any typical fantasy story in this chategory, even if the elves are graceful and beautiful and the dwarves live under the mountains. These things are classic elements that can be used to tell a thousand different stories, most of which are, at the heart of things, relatable and simple. Like the Lord of the Rings or (please don't think of the movie) Eragon. Or C.S. Lewis. But fantasy and sci-fi are awesome because the ways to be creative without forcing it are pretty much endless. Which may be why it's my favorite genre of all time.
Other than these criteria, the mark of a really good book for me hangs on writing style. I love books like Jane Eyre that have really boring plot lines, and yet are still so engaging to read you can't put them down- like you don't even CARE what's happening. Words that fit well together and paint pictures so vivid you feel like you're there. That is what I aspire to be able to do someday.
In conclusion, if you have not yet read the book Red Sails to Capri, go out and buy yourself a copy right now and read the whole entire thing, and you will know exactly what I mean. :-)
"Well" -Angelo looked around him- "do we start or don't we? Or perhaps we are waiting for Pietro's donkeys?" He picked up a large lunch basket and put it into one of the boats.
Michele stared at the basket. Was it really filled with rocks, as his mother had promised? Suddenly he realized that he had had nothing to eat since Saturday evening. Now it was noon on Sunday. Michele thought of his morning. He had run from the inn to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to Pietro's house; from Pietro's house to the top of the mountain; from the top of the mountain to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to the Grande Marina. He was sure he had never been so hungry in all his life.
"Papa?"
"Yes, Michele?"
"What's in the basket?"
"I don't know, Michele. Your mother handed it to me just as we were leaving. I haven't had time to look inside."
"Papa, may I look and see?"
"Look, look! Of course you can look. But you know what your mother said- a basketful of rocks."
Michele lifted the white cloth that covered the basket and peered inside: fresh bread and cheese, smoked fish and olives, grapes and oranges.
"Papa? Look!"
Signor Pagano lifted the white cloth as Michele had done.
"Michele," he said slowly, "I think Mamma understands after all."
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
it is well
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but in whole
Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
I absolutley love those four lines right there, from the Hymn "Peace Like A River." I have no idea what I believe about God's mystifying love or how much responsibility man has in salvation, but I do know this: Underneath all the layers of self-preservation and apathy and selfishness, something in me is being pulled out of myself in an inexplicable love for my Savior. This love spends so much time burried, but there are moments- like when I read the lines of this hymn- that there is absolutely nothing else on this earth that matters. I would die to have those words upheld as the truth.
I wish this love was more constant and steady, and less of a fits-and-starts sort of thing. But I'm trying to bring myself back to the very basics of what it means to be a child of the Most High and just sit there in the palm of His hand, basking in the light that comes off His very face. And in Him was life, and that life was the light of men. Without this light I am in darkness.
I really need to keep that front and center these days.
I thought I'd also let you all know that it's Costa Rica I'm thinking of going to, not Puerto Rico. I don't know why I thought it was Puerto Rico before, it was never actually Puerto Rico... hahaha, silly, I know.
Also, my parents seem to be okay with me going to Costa Rico. This is huge. I'm honestly surprised they're even taking it seriously. My mom even ordered a Spanish CD that I needed and my sister is learning Spanish with me. People at church are being really surprisingly supportive and excited for me too.
So while it's been less than a week since I started considering this option, and I still don't know if I'm even going to go, I'm already starting to panic a little. I just keep thinking about all the things that would have to come together in such a relatively short amount of time for this to happen, and I'm afraid I've set my heart on going way too much. I need a job, I need a passport, I need to be able to communicate in a foreign language, I need a referense letter, I need to learn about Costa Rica, I need to be staying healthy... I kind of think about these things in a vicious cycle all day long and this knot of worry is growing in the pit of my stomach quite unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I really need to pray and trust God about all this.
I've been thinking a lot about identity and how I'm twenty years old and still have no idea, really, who I am- other than what I read in personality books. But this is beginning to feel like me. Like beyond being an extroverted-abstract-feeler-perceiver, beyond being the oldest Watts, member of Emmanuel, and former homeschooler, I could be the girl who goes to other countries, works with kids, and writes books about what I learn. As my personality book says, ENFP's can go one of two ways- they can either turn in on themselves and go sour, or they can become champions in their fields. Of course, this isn't about me. This is about helping others and giving of my time to FORGET myself- letting God be big while I am SMALL, as Pastor Harris would say. But at the same time, I feel like this is exactly what I need to go through in order to cross the bridge to adulthood. I guess we'll see if this is just my idea, or God's too.
My sin, not in part, but in whole
Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
I absolutley love those four lines right there, from the Hymn "Peace Like A River." I have no idea what I believe about God's mystifying love or how much responsibility man has in salvation, but I do know this: Underneath all the layers of self-preservation and apathy and selfishness, something in me is being pulled out of myself in an inexplicable love for my Savior. This love spends so much time burried, but there are moments- like when I read the lines of this hymn- that there is absolutely nothing else on this earth that matters. I would die to have those words upheld as the truth.
I wish this love was more constant and steady, and less of a fits-and-starts sort of thing. But I'm trying to bring myself back to the very basics of what it means to be a child of the Most High and just sit there in the palm of His hand, basking in the light that comes off His very face. And in Him was life, and that life was the light of men. Without this light I am in darkness.
I really need to keep that front and center these days.
I thought I'd also let you all know that it's Costa Rica I'm thinking of going to, not Puerto Rico. I don't know why I thought it was Puerto Rico before, it was never actually Puerto Rico... hahaha, silly, I know.
Also, my parents seem to be okay with me going to Costa Rico. This is huge. I'm honestly surprised they're even taking it seriously. My mom even ordered a Spanish CD that I needed and my sister is learning Spanish with me. People at church are being really surprisingly supportive and excited for me too.
So while it's been less than a week since I started considering this option, and I still don't know if I'm even going to go, I'm already starting to panic a little. I just keep thinking about all the things that would have to come together in such a relatively short amount of time for this to happen, and I'm afraid I've set my heart on going way too much. I need a job, I need a passport, I need to be able to communicate in a foreign language, I need a referense letter, I need to learn about Costa Rica, I need to be staying healthy... I kind of think about these things in a vicious cycle all day long and this knot of worry is growing in the pit of my stomach quite unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I really need to pray and trust God about all this.
I've been thinking a lot about identity and how I'm twenty years old and still have no idea, really, who I am- other than what I read in personality books. But this is beginning to feel like me. Like beyond being an extroverted-abstract-feeler-perceiver, beyond being the oldest Watts, member of Emmanuel, and former homeschooler, I could be the girl who goes to other countries, works with kids, and writes books about what I learn. As my personality book says, ENFP's can go one of two ways- they can either turn in on themselves and go sour, or they can become champions in their fields. Of course, this isn't about me. This is about helping others and giving of my time to FORGET myself- letting God be big while I am SMALL, as Pastor Harris would say. But at the same time, I feel like this is exactly what I need to go through in order to cross the bridge to adulthood. I guess we'll see if this is just my idea, or God's too.
Friday, May 7, 2010
day 11
Earlier today I emailed an orphanage in Puerto Rico asking if they could use me as a year-long volunteer starting early 2011. And also today, they emailed back:
Dear Emily,
Blessings from Roblealto!
Thank you so much for your email and for your interest in giving us a helping hand. Volunteers are a very important part of our ministry and they are welcome all year through. We have had volunteers for even more than a year, so it is an option in our programs.
The first step will be for you to fill out the application attached. Please send it back to me as soon as you have it ready so we will have enough time to coordinate your time in Roblealto.
About your lodging question, individual volunteers can stay in one of our homes. At our shelter we have 8 homes, with 10 children in each, foster parents and their biological children. The mothers love to have volunteers with them as they need a lot of assistance. I think this will be a perfect position for you since you like to work with kids and help in whatever you can. Volunteers give a $20 offering per day; in your case I think we can evaluate the time of your stay to come up with an offering that won’t be overwhelming since you are coming by yourself.
Once again, thank you for considering Roblealto within your plans. May the Lord guide every step of the way during the coordination process.
I feel overwhealmed by just how perfect this all seems to be. I mean, the Roblealto Child Care Association is a mission which works primarily with kids, and in the last couple of months I've been working a lot with kids and realizing I love it and don't ever want to stop. Today and Yesterday I've been kind of bonkers with this Puerto Rico thing, but I'm trying to stay objective and consider all my options. I just never really expected the first place I tried to be so receptive and to actually want to hear back from me, to work with me like this.
Whatever I end up doing, I'm trying to make myself realize that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Learning the language, traveling alone, being isolated from all my friends and family, culture shock, harsh weather conditions, huge bugs, a lot of hard work. It's going to take an incredible amount of self-dicipline, a quality that I've only recently begun to develop in miniscule proportions. Honestly, I'm not even sure I can handle devoting myself to studdying another language for the next few months. I'm anxious to see if I can stand up to all this, and wondering how on earth I can become strong enough spiritually to rely on Him instead of my own strength.
If you want to check out Roblealto, go here.
Dear Emily,
Blessings from Roblealto!
Thank you so much for your email and for your interest in giving us a helping hand. Volunteers are a very important part of our ministry and they are welcome all year through. We have had volunteers for even more than a year, so it is an option in our programs.
The first step will be for you to fill out the application attached. Please send it back to me as soon as you have it ready so we will have enough time to coordinate your time in Roblealto.
About your lodging question, individual volunteers can stay in one of our homes. At our shelter we have 8 homes, with 10 children in each, foster parents and their biological children. The mothers love to have volunteers with them as they need a lot of assistance. I think this will be a perfect position for you since you like to work with kids and help in whatever you can. Volunteers give a $20 offering per day; in your case I think we can evaluate the time of your stay to come up with an offering that won’t be overwhelming since you are coming by yourself.
Once again, thank you for considering Roblealto within your plans. May the Lord guide every step of the way during the coordination process.
I feel overwhealmed by just how perfect this all seems to be. I mean, the Roblealto Child Care Association is a mission which works primarily with kids, and in the last couple of months I've been working a lot with kids and realizing I love it and don't ever want to stop. Today and Yesterday I've been kind of bonkers with this Puerto Rico thing, but I'm trying to stay objective and consider all my options. I just never really expected the first place I tried to be so receptive and to actually want to hear back from me, to work with me like this.
Whatever I end up doing, I'm trying to make myself realize that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Learning the language, traveling alone, being isolated from all my friends and family, culture shock, harsh weather conditions, huge bugs, a lot of hard work. It's going to take an incredible amount of self-dicipline, a quality that I've only recently begun to develop in miniscule proportions. Honestly, I'm not even sure I can handle devoting myself to studdying another language for the next few months. I'm anxious to see if I can stand up to all this, and wondering how on earth I can become strong enough spiritually to rely on Him instead of my own strength.
If you want to check out Roblealto, go here.
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