I am really really lonely right now. I can't explain it. I feel different after that sleepover, like I've been keeping myself to myself for so long I forgot what it was like to feel other people's emotions and to let other people share some of mine. But I still feel like we only barely touched the tip of the ice berg, like there's so much more that I want to ask everyone about and so, so much more I want to say about myself.
Suddenly I feel ridicilously restless, like I have to figure out some rhyme or reason to the life I'm living. I'm so confused. Everything that has happened to me is just laying back there in my past in all of these confusing peices and I want to know how they fit together. I'm not at peace with anything that's happened, I want to dig it all up and think about it and disect it until I find some semblence of meaning in it all. It couldn't have just happened for the sake of moving me furthur through time, right?
The most recent stage of my life has been this new development of common sense, where I've actually become totally okay with living a normal middle class existence, going to church, homeschooling my kids, spending all my time cooking and cleaning, having to work hard at marriage just to make it work. Everything I always told myself I'd never become, I'm just accepting in myself now. I hate it. I want to run with reckless emotions and really LIVE, not just keep plodding along. Is that an adolesent pipe dream? I guess most people think it is.
Eah. It's all just blood and gore from here on out, this drive in me for drama and angst. Why am I like that? I used to be okay with pouring out my deepest heart and soul into the written word and now I tell myself it's stupid, and it is because it's always so dramatic. Nobody knows who I really am. I don't even know who I really am. I don't have an identity, I just float around and interact with people to the best of my ability. I'm so sick of it.
Ahhh. Sometimes I just want to sit down and throw a huge temper tantrum and I want everyone to see it and come running. I want to cry and cry and cry until I can't anymore. Instead I just sit here and stare at a computer screen and struggle with feelings I can't capture.
I am SO tired of being non-distinct. I really want people to notice me. It's like what Caitlyn was saying. But maybe this is how it starts again, just by bleeding everything onto the page and not deleting it in the morning. We'll see how it goes.
