hi-ho cherry-oh

I cannot even begin to describe how frusteratingly anti-climatic writers block is, but if I wasn't having it I'm sure I could think of lots of nasty metaphores. The closest I can come is to that of sneezing, or rather when you really think you're about to sneeze but then you...

don't.

I'd rather be making music or dancing, or acting. It's really annoying how out of my control my very own life tends to be. But that's just the way it is.

Speaking of frusterating, today at School I completely denied being a Christian. Just like Peter. These kids were gossiping in a tight circle and saying something when I walked by, and it went like this:

Laura: We can have HER do it.
Me: Do what?
Matt: Never mind! (I think she's a Christian.)
Me: What?
Matt: Are you a Christian?
Me: ye... yes...
Matt: Like, devout?
Me: No, not really.
Laura: Do you go to church on Sunday?
Me: Yeah, I don't really have a choice in the matter.
Laura: Oh.
Me: But I would even if I did have a choice. I think.

And they thought that was pretty funny, but I'm also pretty sure they think I'm a looser now, which obviously I am, not because I'm a Christian but because I'm only half a Christian. It's very annoying because this one friend I have is always telling me that I don't know what I beleive and I'm doubting everything, and I never listen, but now the truth comes out. This is honestly a pretty acurate evaluation of where I am right now. I pray and stuff, and I'm reading in 1 Samuel and it's pretty good, I get kind of excited about it sometimes. But none of it feels real, it's just something I read about, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong that keeps it from happening to me.

I really like cooking and baking right now because it's fun and straightforward, there's very little philosophy involved, you don't really have to think about it, and yet it's easy to mess up and when you don't, you create something that has a clear and useful purpose. Everything else I do feels futile. School, maybe, but I'm not doing much of that. Exercise, well, I'm just going to get old and decrepid anyway. Writing, arranging words into sentenses to make points, as though no one has ever made them before? I don't get it. Everything exists inside this bubble that can pop in a second and then nothing matters except God. And yet that's the last place I want to run.

Yes, I'm sounding very depressed but I'm really not, I'm just being too introspective. It feels like no one's really around here anymore, which actually is kind of depressing. And that's basically it, Charlie Brown.

you can fly

I like today. I woke up early after staying up late and worked hard until lunch cleaning and exercising and such. I spent lots of time packaging up some memories in a shoe box, feeling very poetic and Lindyish. Then I sang to Nancy Drew and The Sound Of Music and danced in the Bathroom pretending to be a super star. Bangs are very good for dancing and being a super star. I should be in a music video.

I've got lots of new music too, just barely new enough to be exciting and old enough to sing along too (a whole day!). A song that everybody should listen to and memorize and sing when walking down the sidewalk is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing," and I recomend the Veggie Tales version. I'd like to see the world for once all standing hand in hand and hear them echo through the hills a peace throughout the land... And especially at the end when Paul Grape is like, "I'm so glad you came and spent your groovy day with me!" hahahahaha, ohhh dear. :-)

I have decided that I am not really a big fan of realism at all. I mean, I can't even pretend that I'm willing to face life as it is and take the hard knocks with "oh well." I'm such a sucker for the ridiculously perfect, adorably innocent worlds of Andy Griffith and the Waltons and especially 7th Heaven (woot woot!). When High School Musical came out I lived and breathed it in this super secret way and eventually guilted myself into giving it up, but that was because I just didn't realize how brilliant it is!!! If this is the message our oh-so-corrupt Junior High kids are buying into, that singing and dancing is cool and that life can be so simple and fun if you value friendship and true love (like kindergarden!) and follow your dreams, then I say bring it on. Even if it's unrealalistic I like seeing life like that and living like that. Oblivian is definantly the answer for me. :-P

man-made never made our dreams colide

I don't think I'm going to be online except to answer emails for a while.

My life is kind of falling apart in the lack-of-time-management way.

PLEASE pray for me here.

Love to all!

the show must go on

I like it how I'm sitting here starting sentences and backspacing them and then putting on my best pondering face and starting over again and again, when I know very well that I'm not going to write a single thing before it's time to leave for church.

The end.