open up and keep on climbing

I think I know why I write less and less the older I get: the times when I feel most inspired are also the times I feel most emotional. And that means I can't trust myself to write anything that I won't regret the next morning. I don't like this development in my personality, though I know in many ways it is the better part of wisdom. Tonight I just don't care- tonight creation and fear of loosing the one gift I have (if you could call it that) trump over caution and the opinions of others. In other words, I have to write now, or I won't write at all... and that would be horrible, because then, who would I be?

I am begining to understand more and more why so many writers are cranky, persnickety characters to live with. The more disapointed in myself I feel, the more desierable the world of fiction seems. People say we run to stories because the real world its self is disatisfactory, but I doubt that's really the problem- the real world has lots to offer for those who can take full advantage of it's possibilities. I think it's the things within ourselves that we most dread and wish to escape. At least, that's how it is with me.

Also, I think writers tend to be very controlling. Watching Tangled today I realized that I hated not knowing what was going to happen next, from the very second the plot line stepped away from the predictable and the tame. But I knew that if I was writing it and knew how it was going to end, I would thourougly enjoy tourtourous moment. I think writers enjoy things in their stories that readers never could, too, but that's a tangent.

The point is... well what is the point?

Life has not disapointed, I have disapointed. Things are not anyone's fault but mine. That is the point. Things are fine- just fine! And no amount of writhing in self pitty will change that. Oh how I wish it were as easy to cultivate and develop my own character as it is the imaginary personalities on the page!

it's not as easy as willing it all to be right

Oh life. Why so confusing?

saying hey-oh, baby lets go

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 21!

The most important thing about my birthday is that it SNOWED.



It's the first time since we moved here that it's snowed on my birthday. On Saturday my parents gave me my first birthday present and I also saw my first snow driving over the pass to visit a friend. It has felt like Christmas ever since. I wish I knew what it is about this season that makes it so impossible to be unhappy. Is it just all the good associations, or do cold weather and corny Christmas music really have the powers to bestow joy on their own? Who knows.

On my sixteenth birthday I got a copy of Stepping Heavenward from my mom, which is now my all time favorite book. It's the fictional journal of a girl growing up in the 1800's beginning on HER sixteenth birthday. I've read it almost every year since then, and yesterday I just happened to be at the part where Katy turns twenty one. I always like to compare myself to Katy because we are very similar in temperment and she sets a really good example while still managing to be almost painfully realalistic. It's both encouraging and inspiring. I feel like I'm living her life, just in a different time period. Except that she gets married the day after her twenty first birthday, and today I'm... well, not getting married. :-P

Also, I got a camera for my birthday! So now I can make picture posts.



Of course, this makes it far too tempting to dress up in all the new hair things I also got for my birthday and take pictures of myself.



This is a bad habit to get into, I'm afraid.

when the post has lyrics, what do you put in the title?

With the exception of about three artists up until now, I've never been one for albums or one-band playlists. Until now. This week I am a two sided coin, with Boys Like Girls on one side and Carbon Leaf on the other. Today I lay Carbon-Leaf-side-up.

I've been trying to write poetry and/or lyrics for the last several months, all to no avail. These guys do it so much better.

live a life less ordinary
live a life extrordinary with me
live a life less sedetary
live a life revolutionary with me

well I hate to be a bother
but it's you and there's no other
I do believe
you can call me nieve
but I know me very well
at least as far as I can tell
and I know what I need

This is what I wish I had- the simple candor to say exactly what I mean without being cliche or trite or pretentious.

if I could name you in this song
would it make you smile and sing along?
this is the goal:
to get into your soul
if I could make you dance for joy
could that be the second chance decoy
the burning hand
I would need
to help you understand?

Maybe someday I'll get there. Funny how helpful the words of others can be!

at last

UPDATE ON COSTA RICA STUFF:

I am excited.

Yay! I've been dreading this for so long, and lately it's like God has been pealing away those layers of resistance. There have been many, many reasons why I've been not wanting to go, but I think the main one is that I just got too comfortable in the life I have now. Which is in many ways a blessing, but I'm beginning to feel restless again. And weather I feel like it or not when the time to leave comes, I know this will be good for me.

I have been realizing lately how much growing up I still have left to do. For a long time I thought I'd arrived at adulthood and wouldn't really change much more ever again. I was so happy to be gliding along living at this platou. And then things started going wildly downhill, and the world started spinning, and now BAM- all of my faults have been shaken to the surface, and I've got at least another six months of weeding to do.

Now I'm questioning weather you ever really "arrive." But I guess I'm kind of glad. What I thought was a platou may have very well been more of a rut. Life would be so borring if we ever stopped growing, changing- comming to hate everything about ourselves and starting over again from scratch.

I just put together a budget for myself of everything I could possibly need or want between now and when I get back from Costa Rica at the end of next October. I tried to be generous, putting in spending money and lots of padding in case things don't go exactly as planned. Then I calculated how much money I could reasonably be expected to earn working a regular job starting in early December, along with working for Aunt Amy (babysitting) and the money I've already earned. As it turns out, I'll only need to fundraise $176. I can do that! Even if I don't get a job till January, I can fundraise more and go from there.

Tambien, mi espanol es MUCH bueno! I really enjoy it. The language barrier has been a huge fear for me, and now I don't even worry about it.

So. That's the latest! Thanks for listening and for all of your constant support- please keep praying that I will grow in grace and that God would pave the way for me to go if it's His will!

There is a vegtable at the end of this post.

I have been LOVING life.

It has something to do with working as hard as I did the last two weeks and having pretty much nothing on my plate this week... I've never apreciated sleeping in and sitting around doing nothing so much.

Things I've been enjoying:

-this beautiful rain
-boots, scarves, and sweaters
-hot drinks
-sleep
-cooking
-working out
-movies
-coloring and overall being artistic

Of course, this isn't all there is to life, and it's not like I really deserve a break yet. But I do think I tend to take the quiet times forgranted in my perpetual rush for significance and the next big thing. After all, heaven won't have all these dramatic ups and downs, ins and outs, will it? I look forward to the time when work and recreation will all be simple and straightforward, not tied up in alterior motives and concerns.

THIS JUST IN: There is a whole zuccini in my purse that I forgot to eat earlier. Jooooooooooy!

every little thing's//gonna be alright

Confused?

Yep, I'm going back to my old blog name. Every time I see Jelly Beans I think, "Like my blog!" and then I realize my blog isn't named that anymore, and it makes me sad.

But not anymore!

Also, I imported all the old posts from my other blog to this one. So now this blog is five years old. =-0 Wow!

Last but not least...



Awww.

every time I turn around//I'm looking up, you're looking down

So, I have been working here, at this hole-in-the-wall doctor's office in Tacoma with pale blue walls, for nine days now. Tomorrow makes ten! When the Physical Therapist called me, I had no idea that there were actually as many as three physical therapists plus one assistant, a hand therapist, and a massage therapist working at one time here. They all have busy schedules chalk full of apointments, and at the end of each one they throw paper work at me. I never even got trained!

As it turns out, the guy who hired me for these two weeks thought I had a degree and a lot more experience than I actually do. I'm wondering what providence of God this might be leading towards, other than the near-sighted benefit of a pay check. It has sparked an interest in me for medical office work, which is funny because a few ladies at church have been trying to push me in this direction for a while now and it always sounded borrrrring. But it's not! It's a dynamic job with lots of aspects to it. I love talking to the customers in the waiting room. It's an oporotunity to serve, because some of them are SO lonely and just need someone to talk to. I have met some of the most interesting people in the most unlikely of disguises lately... sometimes you wonder how people ended up the way they are when they have so much going for them.

But I don't know. It's not much school and it would guarentee me a steady pay check and good hours, but it would always only be a contingency plan and I think I'd just be upset if I ended up doing it long-term. I've been thinking all day it might be good for me to narrow down exactly what the REAL plan is. Humm. That sounds too serious.

On to fresher topics! I have officially broken my record for going without going without coffee. See how I did that? Now it sounds like an accomplishment! I have had coffee every day since two Sundays ago. And maybe even furthur- at this point I just don't remember. But see how happy I am? I have no regrets! I use explination marks! I meant to say exclamation, but I don't really care!

Anyway. I have to go.

bulletproof

It's funny how much easier it is to express a few negative emotions than many more good ones.

It's funny how much pride and self-preservation gets wound up in relationships. We humans make things really hard on ourselves. It's like this huge game we play all day long with everyone around us- dodging bullets and sliding around land mines to waste as little amunition as possible. We all want to be bulletproof.

And it's funny, because just when I was congradulating myself on becoming an expert player in this game, I realized suddenly that I don't want to play. Wow. What a lot of wasted time.

Oh, life.

Oh, words. How can I attempt to capture the two of you and tie you together? The longer I go persuing accomplishment, success, and action, the furthur away I get from understanding the big picture. With less time to think, perspective quickly warps. No matter how much I tell myself that what I'm doing counts as life, it never feels that way.

What I'm trying to say is, I've been working long hours at a temporary job this week which eats up all but three hours of my day. I love having stuff to do and this job is INCREDIBLE, but I honestly don't know how some people go through their days without ever stopping to process what's going on. I haven't done any writing in something like a week! My life slowly starts to feel like it isn't happening when I go without writing. I feel as though I can have all these amazing experiences, but they won't last if I don't write. Moments start to disapear the second they pass, and I'm running around frantically scooping them up and stuffing them in my overflowing pockets, but it's no use because there's no time to go home and sort them out. They'll just end up crumbled and covered in lint like yesterday's cookies.

Not that I ever really write down play-by-play exactly what's going on in my oh-so-exciting life, but I write stories and thoughts, and somehow time and memories and feelings get stuck with those words and I can always remember them that way. I don't really know why that's so important, but it is. Makes me feel like I am something other than a random body in a random place doing random things.

Having long ago decided that "figuring out who you are" is a bogus concept, I've been trying for the last several years to figure out who I want to be, or rather who God wants me to be. I submit to you that this is something that needs to be constantly open for re-evaluation. It's not like you can figure out one direction and then run in that direction with blinders on for the rest of your life. But it has occured to me lately that it's one thing to know what you need to be and can be, and another thing alltogether to actually live up to it.

Of course, this is a rather optimistic way of viewing things- assuming that the real version of ourselves is the good version. But there is a sense in which this is true, and in which even the best versions of ourselves have to face their own particular demons. I just wish I could be that person all the time, even with it's downfalls and weaknesses. I wish I could be marvelously, purely SOMETHING. Selfish and petty, isn't it? But these are the thoughts that are on my mind today, as I wait for things to get crazy and wish that I had a camera to make a picture post. The end!

my God is so big, so strong and so mighty!

Prayer is something I will never fully understand, but I know on one level we are expected to pray with faith- i.e. the belief that our prayers actually have some power before the God of the universe and that He is capable of giving us what we ask for. I was having a hard time with this today, as I struggled to pray for some of the same things I've been praying for for ages with little to no apparent result.

It occured to me today, though, that looking at God through the eyes of faith means that we who believe have seen miracles happen by the thousands. If we look at God as though we absolutely accept His word as truth, we have virtually seen the waters of the red sea part, lived over and over again the freezing of the sun in the sky, watched as the person of the living God head raised the dead to life with a word, been amazed as the hearts of kings were changed, gotten chills as unconqurable armies are taken down by a righous few. The list goes on and on- it really doesn't matter weather or not we've seen with our litteral eyes God working so drastically in our own lives. We should KNOW what He is capable of, as surely as if we HAD seen it.

It just struck me as funny, all of the sudden, that I should be looking for experiences in my life to confirm what I was reading in the pages of the Bible. My life is such a small portion of time in such a insignificant part of a very large world... it gets lost very quickly in the vastness of eternity and all that I have had the priviledge of seeing God do within that eternity. Furthermore, how many times in the Bible did God work through simple means? How many times did people Jesus dealt with not even really get it? How dare I doubt, when such a testimony has been revealed to me?

I hope and pray that I will never become so wrapped up in the little box that is my world to forget the vastness, goodness, and potency of a God who functions totally outside of it.

fall is here, hear the yell

Like my new background? I'm thinking of changing it with the seasons... the changing of the weather has become this really big deal to me lately. Maybe it's part of growing older- the more you become used to the big things, the more you notice the little things- thus making them magical. Just stepping outside these days is thrilling because it smells like Christmas a little and like change. And right now, it also smells like pumpkin spiced lattes- something not to be taken forgranted!

Time for a quote of the day from my new favorite TV show Chuck, which for various reasons I actually like more than The Office and all the Disney Chanel shows combined. :-) It's like everything that I love in those shows without their various flaws. I'd given up hope that such a show existed, so I'm pretty happy. Anyway, the quote of the day is:

"We are, chronologically speaking, adults now." :-) But just chronologically speaking, right?

I usually spend a lot of time on this blog beating around the bush and trying to put ugly things in nice, vauge words so that they can become a meaningful lesson without drawing too much attention to the actual problem behind them. Today I'm not in the mood; not that I'm grumpy, just feeling straightforward and honest: I've been feeling incredibly down on myself lately. My new job at Hollister is not helpful with this- I am the only one there who doesn't look like I just stepped out of one of the posters on the walls, with every hair in place and flawless complexions and perfect bodies dressed in outfits that had to cost hundreds.

I'm not one to spend ages wallowing over my appearance- most of the time I'm too impatient even to blow dry my hair. I want to be healthy and strong, and while I wish that I was better at putting good things into my body, I've never cared about being model-thin.

So this has definitely made me think. And I'm determined not to let myself be sucked in by these lies anymore. The thing that has struck me the most is this: being beautiful comes with a big cost! Money is one thing- in this atmostphere, I've been seriously tempted to purchase jeans that cost more than my ipod did and shirts that serve the same purpose as the ones you'll find for a fourth of the cost across the street. At first I didn't get it, but now I do... it's all in the presentation, and the people who work and shop and model at Hollister are cooler than those who you'll find elsewhere. It's an uncomfortable feeling being at the bottom of that food chain, and the more time you spend in that setting, the more aware of your standing in the ladder you become.

But money isn't the only thing, it's also time and energy... not just while you're in front of the mirror in the morning, but all day long. People are so determined to maintain this illusion of beauty that is way beyond what actually exists underneath. This isn't a thought which was original to me, but it's a good one: what are these people going to do when that beauty starts to fade? Will they loose their identities? Will they scramble to win a loosing battle against time and nature? That sounds SO pathetic to me. If for that reason only, I'm not gonna play this game now... so that I can grow old with grace.

What it comes down to is this: the things you invest the most into will start to define you. This kind of applies to a lot of things. I've been investing too much time and energy into the wrong things lately, and suddenly when I realized some of those things were on sinking sand, I felt like I was sinking too. This is one lesson I learn over and over again, and always forget when I find something or someone other than God to lean on. Not sure how that applies, but it's a good point. :-P

I think there's got to be a ballance for this beauty issue, though. Because all my life I've been told that "it's not what's on the outside that matters," but that in and of it's self isn't enough. I feel like girls who hear that will go through their lives feeling like they're not beautiful, when in truth a lot of people ARE really beautiful even if they didn't step out of Hollister posters. And sure, there is a LOT more to life than being beautiful. But neither is it something we have to deny completely- if there IS an ultimate standard for esthetics based in God's character (and I think there is!), than each and every person is, fundamentally, beautiful- and we are called to rejoice in things that are lovely.

But I don't think beauty is what people think it is- it's not something you can take on and off (the Bible even says that), nor is it something entierly in the invisible attributes of a person. I think outer beauty is in what you were born with, when it is displayed with grace, confidence, and modesty. Does this make sense? I feel like I have a long way to go before I'll know how to be trully beautiful, but it's good to be reminded (constantly) that I'm shooting for something totally different from what the people at work are shooting for.

I feel like maybe I've been trying to hide behind all the finery lately, which is kind of ironic. Aren't those the things people use to get MORE attention? But the thing is, fancy clothes and makeup draw attention away from the person beneath- at least to an extent. The most beautiful people are those who aren't afraid to step away from that and let the real beauty they have shine through- this is why I LOVE Dove's beauty products, because they are all about natural beauty. I think we Christians have an important job in re-defining beautiful, and we're only hurting Christ's message by ignoring that. Thoughts?

even so, it is well

o Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
the trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend,
even so it is well with my soul.

I have been thinking a lot about death lately. You know how you can see the same book shelf or stair case a thousand times and never really stop to look at it, until something adrupt draws all your attention to it at once? This is how the idea of death has been with me. We watched the Titanic yesterday and it struck me very potently that death is something that actually happens, not just a device that crops up in stories. Maybe I was just finally old enough to really process what was going on- how many people had to make a choice that day between living and dying.

Putting myself in that position, I try to imagine how difficult it would be to accept the terms of what that decision would mean if I decided to stay on the sinking ship. First there would have to be an acceptance of all the physical pain- the slow process of freezing or the agony of water filling your lungs until at last you loose conciousness. And then you would have to accept that your life was over... that you would never again see this or that person and never accomplish this or that goal. And then you would have to face what was going to happen after death, and suddenly things that are usually spoken of in abstract, behind-the-scenes kind of ways would become tangable issues to grappel with. Weather or not you believed in an afterlife would suddenly become very plain, regardless of how you thought you felt before.

This is the crux of the matter as I've been considering it lately. It's one thing to think of God as the God of life- someone who holds the winds of providence in His hands and twists and turns them together to create the intricate patterns and textures of existance in the realm of the tangable. It's also easy to stow away the idea of God as colateral for the time of death without ever really asking yourself if you trully believe He will be there when the time comes. It's another thing all together to see God as the God of death- the God who suddenly becomes real and fully and undisputably in control the minute life ends.

It's really hard to imagine actually being ready to face that God- not that He will be any different in person than He is now, but the idea of Him will be so much more real and powerful than we can imagine, I'm sure. I'm just imagining the sin, the doubt, the fear, the terrible confusion that could preceed that moment, and then bam- you have crossed that dark river and you find yourself before a perfect God. This puts a whole new spin on the phrase "live like you are dying."

But more than anything, what strikes me about the idea of death is how wonderful it will be to have years of hope, trust, and waiting confirmed the minute your eyelids close in death only to open again on Him. As much as I believe and know that this is what will happen, there will still be something completely overwhealmingly wonderful about knowing it finally, once and for all, with no more room for doubting. The day when "faith will be made sight" has got to be the most rewarding, the most satisfying day of existance... more so then I ever really imagined it could be until now.

These thoughts make me realize: Life is not something to be thrown around recklessly, but neither is it something to be guarded in huddles or small corners. When the worst that you could meet is the best thing that ever happened to you, then really folks, what do we have to loose?

I hope that someday I'll see without these frames

Sometimes, I wish that I wasn't so restless and emotional. I wish I could just go through the motions of life calmly and pillow my head at night without having to untangle one day's worth of totally meaningless thoughts. Maybe someday I'll get there. But for now, I feel like such a worthlessly unproductive and empty person- too impatient, too torn, too foolish to actually accomplish anything of true value. I'm tired of empty days and sleepless nights because of the empty days, followed by the whole cycle on repeat. I feel stuck in a vortex, and no matter how hard I try to pretend like I'm moving I know I'm not. I also know God's got a plan and I probably won't be like this forever.

But right now, it's just plain exausting.

I am unwritten, the pens in my hand

Today was a really amazing day. I'm so glad it started trully raining again, the washington kind that smells like winter with hunched grey clouds. I woke up late, worked out really hard, had tea, ate healthy food and chocolate, and read my incredibly good book. I also had some really good times with my family cleaning the house to the High School Musical soundtrack. It seems that really good times with family are few and far between, so this was awesome!

Then I went to prayer meeting with my sister and sang really loudly in the car. Then I talked to my friend Carolyn on the phone for an hour and attempted to roller blade around a very wet garage, which resulted in one very dramatic fall which Carolyn on the other end of the line didn't even notice. Bahaa! I felt like a ninja.

Now I have stayed up way too late thinking and writing and praying and copying out scriptures, and I'm thinking if I try to write any more my fingers will fall off, or perhaps more likely, I'll start talking nonsense. I want to have another day like today tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that off into infinity.

One last thing before I go: I have a new job at hollister. And I have a new really awesome Spanish program. And I am going to Costa Rica in April, unless God has other plans. I'm really excited.

Was that more than one? See, told you I'd start talking nonsense!

Thou from hence my all shalt be

This week has been incredibly hard for me.

It's kind of ridiculous. Here I am, preparing to go spend a year serving, and one week just about does me in. Tomorrow will be the last day of our church's VBS, and there have been a lot of things about it that have thrown me for a loop. So instead of spending the time reaching out to the kids and bonding with the incredible people around me, I've been wrapped up in my own stress and frustration. I feel like I've wasted an awesome oporotunity, which makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm the one who's always saying we need to do stuff like this. I'm the one always grumpy at people like me, who can't get out of their own heads enough to do something for someone else.

I think Kacy said this would happen when I went to Costa Rica, but I've already seen it happen this summer with the three outreach oporotunities I've had: I'm discovering really ugly things in myself that I didn't even know existed. It's only now, four days into this relatively small endevor, that I'm starting to see God's hand even in this. He's breaking me down completely so that He can build me back up. I just wish that I had been seeking Him more actively up until now, so that maybe I would have discovered these things the right way rather than needing such a obvious wake up call.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as though VBS has in and of its self been so difficult or painful that I'm miserable. There have been issues surrounding it and some issues just in my rather pathetic little life that kind of all colided and exploded. Had I handled it the way I should have, none of it would have even been a big deal at all. I guess the good news is, I've learned some things.

First of all, it's really important to recognize that no matter what is going on, God is behind it. Basic as that is, when you're fumbling around in the darkness of an unexplained, seemingly counter-productive providence, it's easy to get confused. We should always remember that ALL things work together for our good, and that doesn't mean we'll get through it and find a way to start over- something good will come out of everything God brings into our lives, and we can praise Him for that even when we have absolutely no way of imagining where it will come from. This is SO amazing!

Also, it is not for us to judge the worthiness of the work we are called to do. I guess I kind of said that in my last post, but I don't think I really realized then what it meant. Our job is to do our very best serving God, and what He chooses to do with that is only a matter of what brings Him glory. We shouldn't even be looking back to count the profits of our endevors. It's simply not the point.

I've also been thinking about the Jim Elliot quote that goes, "Wherever you are, be all there." I get so tied up thinking about the past, the future, the implications of things, and my own thoughts that sometimes I render myself useless in the moment. No matter how heavy our hearts may feel, it is always glorifying to God to leave that behind us and to throw oursevles into what is before us with everything we've got.

I'm sure there's more, but wow- this whole experience has left me feeling very strongly that we Christians need to get serious. I know some serious Christians, but not very many and I'm not very serious myself, when you get down to it. I guess I always thought that if we just did more, talked to more people, spent more time, raised more money, things would change in my church and we'd become thriving and vital instead of always plodding along wondering when the rain is going to come. But I think I've been missing the point. The global church is a disfunctional body as long as each and every one of it's members aren't giving themselves fully to the cause of Christ daily, even hourly.

This is so much more than what I see around me and what I do. We need to be in God constantly, praying not just to get the words out but on our hands and knees, crying otu to God until we are confident that we are at perfect peace with Him. And we need to be doing this not once, but a hundred times a day- He needs to be the very first thought to rush into our minds when we have a quiet moment. The anticipation of heaven needs to be always fresh in our minds, blocking out everything that could potentially bind up our treasure here. And we need to be turning over every song, movie, book, conversation, thought- EVERYTHING- and asking ourselves how it's affecting us and weather it drives us towards or away from God. Gah, it's like, I don't know- we fall so, so incredibly short, and we constantly write this off as being acceptable and even the way it should be. It's not. Yes, we're sinners, yes, we will fall, but no- this should not be the norm. We've got to be seeking God with all of our hearts, souls, minds, and streangths, and nothing else.

Okay, sorry to get preachy. It's true, though, and I apply it to myself as much as to anyone else. In other news, after over fourteen years with the same favorite hymn, I finally have a new one. Here's my favorite part:

Perish every fond ambition
All I've sought, or hoped, or known
Yet how rich is my condition
God and heaven are still my own!

10 things I want you to know

1. If you put half and half in a starbucks instant iced coffee drink, you will have a near-perfect mocha for a fraction of the price and calories.

2. This summer has been a crazy roller coaster, but I'm not getting off yet.

3. Nothing is just a thing if you look at it in terms of potential. It's fun. Just try it sometime.

4. Jeremiah 29:13 and Psalm 119:8 have a really good point about seeking God, not with your whole strength or mind or energy, but with your HEART. Pastor Martin was right when he said that we can have our doctrine spot-on and still not have God with us if we're not doing this.

5. It was really, really hard for me not to go to Camp Hope! But I was brave and did it.

6. I worked for one whole day at a warehouse in Auburn on Monday as a temp. And that has been the extent of my working experience in the last six months. But after VBS is done, I hope to work a lot more.

7. VBS stuff has been hard for me because I'm directing a play and I hate being in charge.

8. It is SUNNY today, and therefore everything is GREAT!

9. God's work is often the most unrewarding you could possibly do. You go around planting seeds and rarely if ever see even the first sprouts of a tree growing. You work and work to set something up and for whatever reason, no one comes. It's the strangest thing and totally unexpected to me. Kind of makes me reconsider why we do this stuff in the first place- because God said so, or because we want to see exciting things happen in our names?

10. Lindy makes the best hard boiled eggs imaginable.

Hello, somewhat (but mostly not) sunny August. Thanks for not burning us out yet, although I won't complain if you decide to get a little warmer from here on out. I'm just saying...



I've been having a summerish summer, what with endless family stuff at the beginning and endless friend stuff for the last several weeks. Barbaques, card nights, hikes, girl sleepovers, river days, party crashing, road trips- the usual. These things smell and taste and look like summer, and it's got this addictive, sedative feeling about it that makes me want to freeze everything right here and never grow a day older.



On the other hand, I'm never out of borring stuff that has to get done, none of which ever seems to propell me forward. So maybe I'm getting my wish and being stuck in time. But it almost makes me want to go BACK in time to when everything was exciting and interesting in-the-moment, when my whole mind belonged to the present instead of worrying and wondering about what it all meant and weather or not I was making a difference or a lasting mark on my surroundings.



But here I am, living and breathing and fully ME. I can't be any less me then I am right now, I don't think. Constantly working on changing, reforming, and pushing that me to be more, I have at least I've arrived at the point where I know who I am. I may one day be more comfortable with strangers, more confident in my own shoes, more sure of what I want, less stuck on getting my way, less emotional, less reactive, less hard-nosed and up-tight.

Thought:

There is a tremendous difference between a satisfied concience and a satisfied God.

I think this could radically change every part of my life if I let it. I'm realizing that SO much of what I do- from trying to eat healthy to going on a mission trip next year- is to satisfy my concience. But my concience is weak and satisfied with the bare minimum. So long as I'm doing SOMETHING, I feel okay about myself.

But the truth is, what it takes to trully live in a completely God-glorifying way is beyond anyone's ability to accomplish, which means we should never really stop pushing past what we feel is enough. Kind of like the way Paul lived, all the time.

I'm wondering how many people persue good things just looking for a life of ease of concience, and then are content only to work in the smallest of capasities once they get there. Not that there is no place for behind-the-scenes workers, and not that there are any jobs less important or God-glorifying than others. But being content just to exist without being ready to do whatever is most needed of you really shouldn't be an option.

This has been really convicting to me, and I certainly didn't come up with it myself so I thought maybe y'all could get some good out of it too.

it's a joke, nobody knows- they got tickets to the show

I've been sitting here looking at some other people's blogs and marveling at the kinds of things they choose to write for the whole world to see. It has occured to me that many will put just the tiniest bit of themselves out there, and not even the most prominent or important bit of themselves. It's just the part that they want to share, the kind of mood or way of thinking that they want to spread around. That seems really nobel and unselfish to me and I kind of wish I could be more like that.

I can never write posts about what I've been doing lately, re-inventing for all of you the blow-by-blow accounts of life as I know it. I get boared, seeing as I already lived it. Here is where I seek to find the meaning behind all that's been happening, and the more personal my struggles are the more philosophical I become, trying to veil the truth in the theoretical.

It really fascinates me to think that we all move around on this plannet doing things and talking about them as though they have face value- when they really don't. I mean, there are very few things in life so all-consuming that they actually get us out of our own heads. And it's the stuff going on in our heads that makes us enjoy one experience over another. The way things make us feel, the associations we have with them, and the things going on under the surface are all way more important than the facts of the experience.

Then again, I don't know if this is true or if I just want it to be true. Maybe we humans are, when you get down to it, pretty much simple creatures who seek out our own comfort and adrenalin rushes and warm weather. Maybe we only hang out with other people because we want to have fun, and then we try to dress it up as something deep and meaningful to feel better about ourselves. Or maybe it's just me that feels a need to dress things up in "meaningful" clothing. Opinions, anyone?

thoughts on existance

It has been a long day and a long time since I last wrote about anything, so I give you fair warning that this could very well be long and rambling and too philosophical for my own good (or yours). That being said, I have been thinking about the question, "What is it to be human?"

Considering this, I realize I've started in the wrong place in my attempt to question the meaning of life in one all-encompasing breath. To get to the root of the matter, however, I have to step inside my worldview- something I'm learning not to be afraid of doing. So I'll go ahead and ask the question and assume that it's the most fundumental question conserning existance I could ask: "What is it to be God?"

This is a mind-blowing thing to consider, because God is outside everything tangable. In the blank, black canvas of EXISTANCE there is God, and then in a one-inch straight line in the middle of the canvas is Time, in which exists the entirety of humanity and substance. This is easy enough to grasp when using the right imagry, but what happens if you try to take God away? Then existance folds in on it's self and we have to try to imagine that NOTHING ever happened or was. Which is inconceivable to us. So where did God come from? Does He ever wonder how He got there? To be omnicient, He must understand why He exists. And while that's a line of thought I, for one, can't follow through on, it's enough to consider that God relies on nothing to define Himself or His purpose in existing. He is not only self-sustained but self-defining, which I think is interesting, because everything else in the universe is ultimately defined by it's relationship to something greater than it's self.

So what is it to be God? It is, in a word, to self-exist. To be the end of the line of dependency and proof; to be the only thing in the universe that is only dependent on and proven by itself.

On a sidenote, how incredibly blessed are we that this God is wise, just, clear, and good? Had he been any different, the entirety of creation would have been vastly different- He could have made us all so miserable, and yet He chose (and chooses) to self-exist in a way that is beautiful and perfect for the cause of humanity. I find this totally mind-blowing! In a world where evil seems to prevail the vast majority of the time, the ultimate end and beginning of the universe is intrinsically... good. Wow! (I'm not sure that I'm on track here with this line of speculation; it's just a thought- but something to think about for sure.)

That being established, the question of what it is to be human becomes very easy to answer. God created us out of His own self-existance basically because He wanted to- because He decided that existance was good and in line with His character. In that sense, humans do serve a purpose just by existing. This includes both those who live for Christ and those who don't.

I'm really, really thankful, however, that my ultimate purpose in life is not just to exist. Because if that's the case, I may as well park myself on the couch and do nothing for the rest of my life. But this is not the case. I was called out of many, for reasons infathomable to me, to live a higher life with a higher purpose- glorifying God not just with my existance but with my heart, my soul, and my strength. To do this, I have to be working constantly within the framework of truth provided by the Bible- working to sharpen my capacities so that I can live better for Christ in every conceivable areana of life. And I've got to do this with the reckless abandon that shows I really believe it is THE only purpose to existing.

So in answer to the original question, to be human is just to exist. To be a Christian, that is to exist with purpose- one that will take a lifetime to fufill. At that, I can only marvel at the goodness of God and the beauty of the task before me.

I recently found a passage in Jeremiah in which the prophet starts to complain, in a very respectful way, about his life, which is feeling totally devoid of purpose to him. "Woe is me, my mother, that you bore me, a man of strife and contention to the whole land! I have not lent, nor have I borrowed, yet all of them curse me." (15:10) In verse 19, God answers him like this: "If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them."

This was absolutely incredible to me because it was as though God was saying, "Cheer up, your life is full of purpose. You are my servant, what could be more purposeful than that?"

So true, isn't it?

10 things I have been obsessed with lately

This is not the post I wanted to make, but it's getting late and I just can't sleep, and my mind's still not up to anything epic or interesting. So, here's a mindless midnight list:

10. Nail polish



9. The movie Young Queen Victoria

Girls, if you have not seen this movie, you really must. I like to think that my marriage will be just like this if I get married, other than the whole rulling-a-country thing. I've never seen a movie potray marriage so realalistically and yet also so beautifully.

8. Striking poses



7. Discussions about true beauty and PRESUPPOSITIONS

If there is one thing I love about my church, it is that people gasp in excitement when they hear big words. In Sunday School we've been debating weather or not there is an absolute standard for esthetics (the perception of beauty) and it's got the whole church talking- I was part of three discussions throughout the day and a couple during the week on this subject alone. It's very thought-provoking and exciting because I feel like something big is about to fall into place in my thinking.

6. Mix-matched socks



5. Running

I hit my goal milage twice this week! When you run with good music (see #3) or good friends (#1) you don't really want to stop. Now it's time to set a new goal. I'm realizing setting goals and actually reaching them is a really, really good thing and I should do it more often.

4. Incuring Elizabeth's wrath :-P




3. Glee

Synonomous for brilliant, in my perhaps not-so-humble opinion. :-P And when I say Glee, I really just mean Glee music. I've logged so many hours on the season one soundtrack this week it's probably not even good for me. It makes it so easy to imagine an ideal world in which all I do is sing and dance with my friends all day long. And I ask you, is there any better feeling than that?

2. This girl



1. Hanging out with my out-of-town cousins

Yep, the Carlsons are in town for a whole entire MONTH. We've been playing yard games, having photo shoots, planning and shooting a music video, and singing hymns for a whole week now. They come to stay at our house tomorrow. It's going to be stupendous. Not only is my family trully amazing and made up of trully amazing people, but together we have such perfectly summerish good times. Honestly, the sunshine just needs to catch up with us.

And those are at least some of the things that make my life 100% worth living right now. :-)

Day 40

For those of you non-facebookers... my Roblealto application was accepted!!

I guess they probably arn't too picky, but I was getting really concerned that this was just another pipe dream and now it feels more like reality. They told me I'll have my own room and they brought the cost down a lot. I guess this makes me one step closer! :-)

this post is much too long and probably shouldn't be read.

I just came down from an hour spent at the height of my OCD mood. You all will be happy to know tht even my jewlry is now filed into sub-piles. My room was already IN ridiculously good shape, and now it's about ready to have brain surgery performed in it. The only thing left to organize is my life, and here is where I completely break down.

Keeping my room clean goes along with exercise, having long devotions, and forcing myself to read borring books in the list of things I often do in an attempt to fix the mistakes of the day. Why are there always so many long hours completely wasted, and so many fruitless activities persuied at full-throttle? So, so often I feel that I am completely out of control in my own life, and so I have to find little things that I can control, like the rings standing face-up in the jewlry box.

I'm just so frusterated, because my spanish program isn't working, I still can't find a job and I'm past the deadline, and I haven't heard back from Costa Rica since I sent in my official application. Meanwhile, time ticks by and I'm acomplishing absolutely nothing. There is no way to go to bed at night satisfied with your day when all it held was a bunch of randomly strung-together chores, not one of which contribute to the greater good of anything ongoing or significant. One is left without any sense of continuity or purpose.

I've been realizing lately that I've never really had the experience of working hard for something and actually acheiving that goal. I've been goal-setting all my life, but I never had the follow-through. I had so many bright dreams- going to private school, getting an English degree, becomming a dancer, singing with one of the best local choirs, moving out, even just becoming the kind of amazing, confident person who inspires others... and not one of them every came true. Until last quarter of school, in which I actually managed to get on the Deans list. It was also the most credit's I'd ever taken, and I was working twenty hours a week on top. Now that's living. That's what I want out of this life- a way to work hard, play hard, and sleep hard at night. And make a difference. Do something good, honest, comendable, God-honoring, and really meaningful. Wherever there is a job like that for me, I will go.

So why is it now, once I've finally got a bit more maturity and experience under my belt, that everything comes to a grinding halt? I'm sick of looking people in the eye and explaining that no, I'm not really doing anything with my life. I hate people seeing me living in my parents house, wearing the same clothes I wore two years ago, looking depressed and grumpy- these are the golden years of my life.

I'm sorry to be so complaining, but I really feel a need to justify who I am and what I'm doing to everyone. How do I even want to be seen? I want to be the girl who inspires others to be the best versions of themselves, and I want to be bright and cheerful and confident. I don't really want to be the most fashionable or the most exciting or the most popular, but I do want to be tasteful and relatable and lovable. Isn't that what we all want, in the end? Just love me, not because you have to or because you think you should, but because you really think I'm one of the most awesome people you've met. Don't tell me you don't want it too.

I think it's also really important to me that I be seen as deep and thoughtful, that I'm not just some steriotype from a chick flick. That I'm a tiny bit different and unique without being pretentious or trying too hard to stand out. That my brain is a cool place that "believes six impossible things before breackfast" instead of a place just thinks about what everybody should be doing or how hungry I am.

I tend to feel like all of this would be solved, like I would automatically become the perfect person, if I could just go to Costa Rica and have this life-altering experience. But I guess to be honest I'm really way more concerned about who I am than what I'm doing. If I could do what I'm doing now well and feel good about myself doing it, I probably would never want to leave.

In the end of the day, I guess whoever said it was right when they said, "It's not about being yourself, it's about creating yourself." And in tiny ways, I am moving towards that ideal version of me instead of sitting there in the mire of hating who I really am. I'm trying to be more creative in the way I live my life, for instance, which somehow makes me feel more me and more interesting. I'm beginning to realize art is really really great for a person to do- never a waste of time. And I'm trying to explore music and movies on my own (very slowly) and really carve my own path in these sorts of things. It helps. But I still often feel in bondage, stuck behind bars of other people's opinions and my own stupid inhabitions, all of which basically come down to sin.

I'm such a late bloomer and always so behind most of my friends, even those much younger than me, but on the bright side I think maybe my journey to "arrival" (if such a thing exists) is almost over. Just a couple more years, and if I continue to change at the rate I have been changing, I will be the person I want to be and maybe even doing the things I want to do. By the grace of God alone, that is. In the mean time, I'm afraid the ride can be rather bumpy.

there's no escaping the truth, there's no mistaking it's You

This has been "one of those days." The kind where technically, everything is absolutely perfect, but deep down something's bothering you that you can't even really put your finger on. This week I find myself running headlong into every situation that will require full brain power, therefore leaving none leftover to think. Reason being that thinking leads to feeling and feeling leads to carring, which can cause all sorts of trouble. This applies not only to relationships but just about everything else in life too, I'm learning.

So when I finally decided to go to bed tonight and got to the point where there was no more noise or responsabilities to distract me, it all started rushing in and I began to feel kind of miserable. Just that empty lonely meaningless ache that cannot be reasoned away. So in a last-shot attempt at distracting myself, I decided to just jump into my devos for the night. And this is the passage I came to:

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)

And this is what J.C. Ryle had to say about it: "God the Son shares with us a common experience of living in a fallen world. His understanding of us is not therefore theoretical but personally experienced."

This was somewhat comforting, because it seemed so appropriate to the things I has been dealing with before I started reading. It's cool to realize that Christ has empathy and not just sympothy for what I'm dealing with. But I still felt pretty empty and disatisfied, although I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. When the God of the Universe is stooping to spoon-feed me encouragements at exactly the time I need them, how can I possibly still feel lonely?

Then it occured to me- I'm human. As such, I'm always going to want things like a physical face to react to the things I'm saying, or a physical arm around my shoulders to support me, or a physical voice to encourage me. We humans are crazy about this stuff, about relating to one another. But it's funny, because so often when we build friendships and hang out and invest time and money into one another, it's for the simplest, most insignificant things. While the deapths of love possible between two humans is on one hand phenominal, on the other hand it's very basic and simple- a kind of "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" arrangement.

All this to say, I realized in that moment that wanting and seeking after a relationship with Jesus Christ is harder than befriending other people. It's not as natural, or as easy. It's like cultivating a taste for anything really worth enjoying in this life, from fine wine to jazz music. It will always be easier to drink cheap soda and listen to popular radio, but in the end of the day, it won't be as fufilling. So if I can get past the shallow, silly things that I want out of other people, I will discover that what I really want is Christ. That the song and dance of human relationships is fun and even necessary, but not by any means the best out there.

Here's an example of one of the ways in which Christ makes a vastly supperior friend to any we will find on this earth:

"Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people." (Hebrews 2:17)

you want a new song, like a new religion

Some people have this amazing talent for writing really interesting things that make others want to read them. Somehow, this has never exactly been my goal in writing, although it should be. I mean, that's what sells. And the authress crafting her story is not really any different from the spider spinning her web- she wants the reader to be caught, irreversably, stuck there turning pages into the wee hours of the morning until there are no more pages to turn. This is how you make a living as a writer, I am told.

Then there are those who take things the complete oposite direction, and want everything to be original, rule-breaking, even difficult. While I admire writers who can spin a tale to catch unsuspecting readers, I have a much harder time with this later kind. I mean, it's good to be original, and fresh creative ideas are everything in the world of writing. But I really think there is such a thing as forced creativity- side stepping and shimming around every already-done idea like you're a spy trying to get through a room of lasers to the prize on the other side- ORIGINALITY! I think it's stupid.

Which is why I'd much rather read a honest, down to earth story about a small town boy who goes on a simple adventure and meets a small town girl than most anything else that's out there. Down to earth is not a marketing gimmic or a desperate grasp at originality. The best part is that you get the feeling it just flowed out of the writers pen, without much forethought or overanalizing or consideration of the consequences... it's usually just raw and unscripted, the deepest and most honest things in the writer's heart.

And really, this makes sense, because the things that human beings really want and need don't ever change, and there is only a surprisingly small handful of these kinds of things to choose from.

I would include any typical fantasy story in this chategory, even if the elves are graceful and beautiful and the dwarves live under the mountains. These things are classic elements that can be used to tell a thousand different stories, most of which are, at the heart of things, relatable and simple. Like the Lord of the Rings or (please don't think of the movie) Eragon. Or C.S. Lewis. But fantasy and sci-fi are awesome because the ways to be creative without forcing it are pretty much endless. Which may be why it's my favorite genre of all time.

Other than these criteria, the mark of a really good book for me hangs on writing style. I love books like Jane Eyre that have really boring plot lines, and yet are still so engaging to read you can't put them down- like you don't even CARE what's happening. Words that fit well together and paint pictures so vivid you feel like you're there. That is what I aspire to be able to do someday.

In conclusion, if you have not yet read the book Red Sails to Capri, go out and buy yourself a copy right now and read the whole entire thing, and you will know exactly what I mean. :-)


"Well" -Angelo looked around him- "do we start or don't we? Or perhaps we are waiting for Pietro's donkeys?" He picked up a large lunch basket and put it into one of the boats.
Michele stared at the basket. Was it really filled with rocks, as his mother had promised? Suddenly he realized that he had had nothing to eat since Saturday evening. Now it was noon on Sunday. Michele thought of his morning. He had run from the inn to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to Pietro's house; from Pietro's house to the top of the mountain; from the top of the mountain to Angelo's cottage; from Angelo's cottage to the Grande Marina. He was sure he had never been so hungry in all his life.
"Papa?"
"Yes, Michele?"
"What's in the basket?"
"I don't know, Michele. Your mother handed it to me just as we were leaving. I haven't had time to look inside."
"Papa, may I look and see?"
"Look, look! Of course you can look. But you know what your mother said- a basketful of rocks."
Michele lifted the white cloth that covered the basket and peered inside: fresh bread and cheese, smoked fish and olives, grapes and oranges.
"Papa? Look!"
Signor Pagano lifted the white cloth as Michele had done.
"Michele," he said slowly, "I think Mamma understands after all."

it is well

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin, not in part, but in whole
Was nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more
Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

I absolutley love those four lines right there, from the Hymn "Peace Like A River." I have no idea what I believe about God's mystifying love or how much responsibility man has in salvation, but I do know this: Underneath all the layers of self-preservation and apathy and selfishness, something in me is being pulled out of myself in an inexplicable love for my Savior. This love spends so much time burried, but there are moments- like when I read the lines of this hymn- that there is absolutely nothing else on this earth that matters. I would die to have those words upheld as the truth.

I wish this love was more constant and steady, and less of a fits-and-starts sort of thing. But I'm trying to bring myself back to the very basics of what it means to be a child of the Most High and just sit there in the palm of His hand, basking in the light that comes off His very face. And in Him was life, and that life was the light of men. Without this light I am in darkness.

I really need to keep that front and center these days.

I thought I'd also let you all know that it's Costa Rica I'm thinking of going to, not Puerto Rico. I don't know why I thought it was Puerto Rico before, it was never actually Puerto Rico... hahaha, silly, I know.

Also, my parents seem to be okay with me going to Costa Rico. This is huge. I'm honestly surprised they're even taking it seriously. My mom even ordered a Spanish CD that I needed and my sister is learning Spanish with me. People at church are being really surprisingly supportive and excited for me too.

So while it's been less than a week since I started considering this option, and I still don't know if I'm even going to go, I'm already starting to panic a little. I just keep thinking about all the things that would have to come together in such a relatively short amount of time for this to happen, and I'm afraid I've set my heart on going way too much. I need a job, I need a passport, I need to be able to communicate in a foreign language, I need a referense letter, I need to learn about Costa Rica, I need to be staying healthy... I kind of think about these things in a vicious cycle all day long and this knot of worry is growing in the pit of my stomach quite unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I really need to pray and trust God about all this.

I've been thinking a lot about identity and how I'm twenty years old and still have no idea, really, who I am- other than what I read in personality books. But this is beginning to feel like me. Like beyond being an extroverted-abstract-feeler-perceiver, beyond being the oldest Watts, member of Emmanuel, and former homeschooler, I could be the girl who goes to other countries, works with kids, and writes books about what I learn. As my personality book says, ENFP's can go one of two ways- they can either turn in on themselves and go sour, or they can become champions in their fields. Of course, this isn't about me. This is about helping others and giving of my time to FORGET myself- letting God be big while I am SMALL, as Pastor Harris would say. But at the same time, I feel like this is exactly what I need to go through in order to cross the bridge to adulthood. I guess we'll see if this is just my idea, or God's too.

day 11

Earlier today I emailed an orphanage in Puerto Rico asking if they could use me as a year-long volunteer starting early 2011. And also today, they emailed back:

Dear Emily,

Blessings from Roblealto!

Thank you so much for your email and for your interest in giving us a helping hand. Volunteers are a very important part of our ministry and they are welcome all year through. We have had volunteers for even more than a year, so it is an option in our programs.

The first step will be for you to fill out the application attached. Please send it back to me as soon as you have it ready so we will have enough time to coordinate your time in Roblealto.

About your lodging question, individual volunteers can stay in one of our homes. At our shelter we have 8 homes, with 10 children in each, foster parents and their biological children. The mothers love to have volunteers with them as they need a lot of assistance. I think this will be a perfect position for you since you like to work with kids and help in whatever you can. Volunteers give a $20 offering per day; in your case I think we can evaluate the time of your stay to come up with an offering that won’t be overwhelming since you are coming by yourself.

Once again, thank you for considering Roblealto within your plans. May the Lord guide every step of the way during the coordination process.

I feel overwhealmed by just how perfect this all seems to be. I mean, the Roblealto Child Care Association is a mission which works primarily with kids, and in the last couple of months I've been working a lot with kids and realizing I love it and don't ever want to stop. Today and Yesterday I've been kind of bonkers with this Puerto Rico thing, but I'm trying to stay objective and consider all my options. I just never really expected the first place I tried to be so receptive and to actually want to hear back from me, to work with me like this.

Whatever I end up doing, I'm trying to make myself realize that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Learning the language, traveling alone, being isolated from all my friends and family, culture shock, harsh weather conditions, huge bugs, a lot of hard work. It's going to take an incredible amount of self-dicipline, a quality that I've only recently begun to develop in miniscule proportions. Honestly, I'm not even sure I can handle devoting myself to studdying another language for the next few months. I'm anxious to see if I can stand up to all this, and wondering how on earth I can become strong enough spiritually to rely on Him instead of my own strength.

If you want to check out Roblealto, go here.

and I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Today
I woke up
thought it must be around three
realized I'd slept all night
and actually felt just fine

ate breackfast with my beautiful children
well, they're mine for the weekend
(which isn't enough, but.)
mmm, apple jacks
walked to the park
braving even the scary part of the road
where the guard rail forces you to walk
outside the white line

explored the great unknown
over and under trees
across the mud
(OH NO! we'll have to go through it...)
between sticker bushes
avoiding three-leaves-let-it-be at every turn

climbed aboard the coil-animal express
shot off to texas
didn't really enjoy the scenery
(the slides here are much too slow!)
flew to africa
climbed rope ladders and went on a safari
took some bark home in the little wooden hinges
as suvoneirs
flew to oregon
slid down the great pole of portland

trecked all the way back home
(back through the mud
back through the wind
back through the grass
back through the door)

ate lunch and learned the unspeakable joy
which a bag of puffy, cheesy, finger-staining snacks
can bring
learned about a man who stole a rubber duckie
and paid dearly for his crimes
that bastard!

went adventuring
two miles down the highway
to a classy shopping center
where, I am informed
people pay as much as one hundred
(one HUNDRED!)
dollars for a single purse

walk into a dinner
with coca-cola advertisments
(she's pretty! says julia)
plastered all over the walls
sit down at the barstools
and eat single scoops of vanilla ice cream
while trying to make the juke box work for a nickle
which it won't accept
much to fallen faces and sighs

outside we find a fountain
that you can walk in without getting wet
("not THAT wet, anyway")
so we get absolutely soaked
flinging water at each other
people smile at us
in the freezing cold
and we don't feel a thing

we buy a mocha
from a girl who wants to steal my kids
about as much as I do
and I don't get a chance to drink it
because when we get home
it's time to see the horses

they are tall and graceful and curious
pax runs out into the pasture
even when they toss their fearful heads
and neigh their fearful neighs
while julia hides behind
and alexi takes lessons from the groomer

we come home exausted
eat dinner
pile onto the couch
and watch a movie
followed by stories
of samson and gideon and hannah
until it's bedtime
for three routy kids
who arn't tired in the least
and who don't last five minutes
after the lights are out.

now, I ask you, could there possibly have been a better day than that?

till I try, I'll never know

I'm thinking about setting some goals for myself. Mainly, I want to set one major goal for my life and start running towards it with everything in me.

See, one of Kacy's recent posts had a quote from Crazy Love about how it's really just laziness that makes us wait around to discover God's will for our lives. I'm realizing this is shockingly true of me. I'm beginning to think it's not so much that God's will for me is a secret passage through a jungle which I have to find, taking each step with fear and trembling lest I leave the invisible trail. Rather, He's handed me a compas and a survival guide, and now He expects me to find a way through the jungle by my own inginuity, although He knows exactly how I can best accomplish this task and He will help me every step of the way.

This being the case, I don't think I want to waste any more time waiting for a road map. I think it's far more Biblical to just choose a direction and start walking in it. Instead of praying for a magical yellow brick road to appear in front of me, I should be praying for wisdom, for a clear head, and for courage and energy to fight against the obsticals. Of course God does have a plan for my life, but I'm only going to find it through hard work. As Beth mentioned at a Bible Study on Friday, nothing good comes without hard work- but hard work can accomplish almost anything. If circumstances are absolutely against me, I'll try another path and run down that one as hard as I can until I can't run any furthur there either.

Thinking about all these things, today I picked up a book by Elisabeth Elliot that had been on my shelf for forever called God's Guidence. And listen to this: "There were occasions when Paul attempted to do things he wanted to do but was 'prevented by the Holy Spirit.' He does not mention special guidence in the decision to do the thing- it was what he wanted to do, so he decided to do it- but he certainly had special guidence to stop, and it came in time, before he strayed off the path of righteousness. It is, we may properly say, natural to trust God to do this for us once we have made up our minds to follow, and we need not be forever halting and backing up, paralyzed by fear of our own desires."

There you have it. I'm not the only one thinking this way.

So... I would like to tentatively set the goal for myself of being in a foreign country helping with some mission or another by this time next year. This seems like the right goal for me now mostly because it's the only thing I really want to do. I could finish school or move out or get a really good job, but I have neither the resources nor the ambition for any of these things at the moment. So mission trip it is.

I think it will take about a year, since I have to pay off my debts, buy a car, and raise the money for the trip. Not to mention actually finding a mission group and getting hooked up with them, doing whatever training is required, and maybe even learning a little about the language of wherever I end up going. Also, I'd like to pray about this ever single day. That's a lot of work. But I'm excited to get down to it, and really excited to see where I'm at on April 26, 2011!

decadent extravagance//neverending providence

Ug, the whole purpose of starting a new blog was to appear sophisticated and pulled together- to have a place to articulate my most polished, entertaining and intellectual thoughts. Instead I find myself needing the outlet of my old whinny, teenage-girl blog more than ever. I'm realizing there are a lot of different kinds of people out there, and I have a hard time finding my place among them. There are people who act happy all the time and are really miserable inside. There are people who act grumpy all the time and really have nothing to complain about. And then there are people who are always completely honest about how they are feeling, like they can't hide it even if they tried. I think the third kind is me, but I'm constantly trying to be the first, because I feel myself slipping closer and closer to the second all the time... If that makes any sense.

This leaves me constantly fighting the urge to tell everyone in sight everything on my mind. Unfortunutly, I hate the things on my mind. They are so me-centered, so foolish and insignificant. I hate it when other people get to see these things about me, even though it is authentic and honest.

For those of you who were part of Village Square, remember when we took turns confessing all of our faults on our blogs? It's funny, because I used to think we were being so humble and self-depracating, but in retrospect, I think we were using it to clear our names. As though confessing something you've done wrong eradicates it completely from the past. We all think that all the time. That we can pay a one-time fee for our mistakes and be done with them. And I'm also shocked at how much I just want to clear my name in front of my fellow man. How my sin looks in front of a holy and perfect God doesn't really scare me, but a jurry of my peers does.

Here's one thing I do know about myself, I am not the kind of person who doesn't care what others think. I wish so much that I was. But I'm not. I sit around and judge myself by every one else's standards all day long, and it is absolutely wearing me out. I don't think I should do this anymore. But I'm afraid that if I stop carring, I'll become so annoying and obnoxious nobody will ever want to be my friend. Ugly is a scary word. And that's what so many people are- I'm not talking about being sinful or unattractive or anything like that. Just ugly, like there's nothing there to love.

Love is such a shallow thing, when you get down to it. We'd like to think it's because we relate to people or because we admire good things about them or even that it's some mystical otherly thing we can't understand. But in truth we're just human beings who respond almost without being able to help it to pretty faces and charisma. Some of us have it, some of us don't. Those who don't will get their reward in heaven. It's just depressing, though. Life is not fair.

See, it's those kinds of thoughts in my head that I HATE allowing out. But I feel much better for having said it.

And the truth is- see, there's always a ballancing thought that is at least a little redeeming- the truth is, I'm not all that upset about the unfairness of life or the fact that love seems so disapointing. I mean, I really do believe that there are bigger and better things out there than any of this, and I'm really and trully content to live that way until I die. I just think it's interesting that even though I know how stupid the whole system is, I'm still obsessed with getting a good score in the arena of human competition... like it matters at all.

So it doesn't matter. I will focus on the things that do, and focus on God, and I suppose that ideally through doing that, the things that make a person trully, deeply beautiful will come naturally. Things like focusing on others enough to not need to reflect my own troubles or joys in my attitudes, or knowing when to say something and when to shut up. So then in the end of the day, I guess the spiritual and the secular merge yet again. We must be created to appriciate the grace God can give to people for a reason- it must be a part of the process of sanctification. And this is an incredibly hopeful thought.

That makes me think of a Bible verse: "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16) So we are called to be the BEST that we can be, it actually brings glory to Christ. It's not a shallow or pointless mission. So long as you're going about it in the right way and for the right reasons. I like that.

See, now I feel ten times better than I did at the beginning of this post. This is why I will never, ever be polished or sophisticated, but I will at least always know exactly where I am inside my own head. That's always a plus. :-)

all the vain things that charm me most

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy goooooooooooooooooooooooodness. There are some days too full for words to describe. I feel like I could fly into a million pieces right now and still not have enough of me to go around to all the things I want to be doing and thinking about. And yet not one of these things is completely satisfying- in the end of the day, being human is so intrinsically unfufilling. Even our relationship with God is muted and far away, in some ways- compared to the ultimate consumation of that relationship in heaven. We barely even know Him now.

It's just downright mistifying, because I'm dying to do something of significance, something that will last beyond the limited life of my body and mind. But in the end of the day, not even that will matter- only Christ will matter. I'm thinking about these things and thinking about the fact that Easter is tomorrow and most of the world is going to be celebrating a holiday they know next to nothing about while they push ever on in their drive for significance. And in the end of the day, I'm glad that everything significant about me has been done by someone else, and that it was done perfectly and completely. I'm such an empty shell in that sense- we all are.

But hum, now that I think about it more, we are also called to a GREAT deal of responsibility when we accept Christ as our Savior. So it's yet another paradox that will constantly be streatching its self in two directions- the call to action off-setting the knowledge that nothing we could possibly do on this earth could really be significant. I guess if it wern't so mysterious, it wouldn't be half so interesting.

Nah, nevermind

Nobody needs two blogs- this blog is dead and gone. See you on Fingerprints!

only if you want to will you hear me say, only if you want to will you find a way

So... I'm really tired and it's really late and it's been a really good day, and I'm listening to Enya which is giving me weird nonstoligic feelings... so in short my skin is the only thing keeping me from flying into a million pieces at the moment.

SIDE NOTE: I've decided to continue using this blog to write about my life, while using the other blog for my more sophistocated and impersonal musings. I'm sorry that you all now have two blogs to check and I will not be at all offended if you choose to only follow one or the other- in fact, having two different kinds of audiences is one of my reasons for doing this. I just find that in writing blog posts I'm constantly torn between these two styles and I always feel that going back and forth weakens my purpose in either one, so long story short, this is what I've come to- twin blogs, my head and my heart, always conflicting and complimenting one another like the two sides of me.

Every now and then I start feeling the need to write out the whole story of my life- not in a readable way, not like a novel, just to put all the facts and high points and low points before my eyes so I can keep track of it and figure out where it should logically go from here. It's weird being this old and having so many experiences, people, and ways of thinking completely behind me now. I'm so afraid of forgetting about it all, although there's lots that wouldn't necessarily be bad to forget, I suppose... it's just my life, and I somehow want to hold on to it. Try to make some meaning out of the chaos.

But it's weird, because most of it is pretty ugly- not because I haven't been extreemly blessed but because I've never had the talent of doing life gracefully. My life would make a terrible movie in that sense, unless it was some formula comming of age story in which I finally got skinny and popular and acheived my dreams. That's not the plot line we're called to live for though, is it? My story, as with most Christian's, would be a often dark struggle against sin which has no real begining or end except for Christ, and then He becomes the story and I'm just a sub-plot. I'm trying to think of my life like that instead of trying to make sense of it in a rising action, climax, falling action sort of way. It's funny that I become preocupied with thinking about life this way, but I do.

Today, my first official day of being done with school, was spent in reading and writing and gathering music all by myself until about five oclock, at which point I started to go stir crazy and so decided to go with my parents to pick up our new oven in Gig Harbor. And it was just sooooooooo beautiful outside, and I had new music to listen to which was sooooooo inspiring, I felt about as perfectly happy as I ever have. And then I came home and felt perfectly content to just sit with my siblings and watch a movie. Usually I HAVE to be doing something when I'm watching a movie or I feel restless and unproductive, but I was too perfectly contented and stable to care.

I don't know quite how to describe it, but it seems like a lot of times I run around doing tons of things in this vain attempt to feel completed or fufilled or whatever by it, and no matter how significant what I'm doing is, it never works. And then suddenly I'll somehow break through to a point where even the smallest tasks have a perfect joy associated with them when they can be carried out thouroughly and carefully, and while listening to music and interacting with the people around me instead of being caught up in the storm cloud of thoughts and emotions and worries that push me on most of the time. Today was one of those days where this perfect, satisfiying joy was reached, and now I just don't ever want it to eeeeeeeeend.

So I'll sit here on the floor with my little desk lamp casting ginormous shadows of me across the entire room and read and write and sing as softly as possible so as not to wake the little sister. I've already danced out all the excess energy coursing through my veins like too much caffine. At the end of this I will be thouroughly exausted, but it doesn't even matter, since it's spring break.

In other words...

I'm not satisfied with the way my last post turned out- my logic on the whole issue of justice was unsound and it made my cause weak. This is not something I can afford to be weak about, because nothing, absolutely nothing, has ever seemed so viatlly important as this does right now. Maybe I'm just feeling emotional because I just read another article about the things going on in Haitti and it's gripping, compelling, heart-wrenching stuff.

And you know what it is that gets me the most about these stories? It's not just how absolutely awful everything is- although that is certainly the reason why we need to be doing something about it. The thing that brings tears to my eyes is the way the people in this situation, both the volunteers and the victims, have hope and joy and love for one another in spite of everything. I mean, that sounds corny, but it's true. I remember that about the stories Pastor Elbourne would tell when we Emmanuel people were in Lakeshore, Mississippi. Sometimes people are really selfish and they want you to replace their refrigerators before someone else even has somewhere dry to spend the night. But other times, people open their doors to one another and share even the few things that they have left to them.

There was one story in Readers Digest about a boy who was burried under rebel in Haiti with his sister and dead brother for eight days, and when resuce teams finally found him, he came out with a huge grin on his face. They asked him why he was smiling and he said, "I smiled because I was free. I smiled because I was alive." It's just ridiculous, because we're all free and we're all alive, but not very many of us are smiling when one tiny little thing doesn't go our way.

In truth I can't pretend to understand why God would let something like the earthquakes in Haiti and now Chillie to happen to nations of people who already had so little. As I pray about it, it's sometimes hard for me to accept the will of God in this area. I mean, why not smite America with something like this? It's not fair, by my own ideas of fairness.

And yet even here, I am selfish in my human nature. It's like I don't want the responsibility of having a happy family and plenty to eat and a healthy body and tons of time because everything is so perfectly provided for me. The guilt of it weighs me down and I tend to feel like it would be easier to be the victim, which probably shows just how little I actually understand about what it's like. That's one of the reasons I want to be involved somewhere where there is great need, so that I can better understand what suffering really is.

But I'm learning that this is not a matter of justice. Nothing, no matter how bad it is, has happened yet that is as bad as we all deserve it to be... if anything, these catastrophies only open the door for mercy to be shown, both by well-off people who would otherwise be self-absorbed in their own lives or by God himself, in sparing the lives of those that he did. Catastrophies are not the place where God's justcie can be contemplated, but rather His mercy.

The idea of injustice comes in, as we discussed in the comments on my last post, in asking the question, why are these people so poor to begin with? Is the government corrupt? Are people being forced to do things they shouldn't have to do? These questions are the things that should take us to the root of the problems, where we can fight with a zeal that is Godly- His indignation burns against these things much more than ours ever could.

I'm realizing my personal "calling" (if you'll excuse the expression) is not so much to the work of justice but to the work of mercy- I want to give food and warm blankets to those who are victimised by the system, and therefore even more victimised than they would be otherwise by providential disasters- rather than attacking the system at it's core. But it is very, very important that people be doing both. And that we all learn to be content with less and to think of others as more important than ourselves. That's basically what it comes down to.

Any last thoughts on the subject? Do you agree that there are two kinds of missionary works that need to be done in the world- one of justice, and the other of mercy? And that these reflect two co-existing elements of God's perfect character, and that it's right to emulate them both as much as we can in our daily lives?

life savers

There are some things too important not to post about, and I think this falls under that chategory.

Yesterday I went to my school's Bible Study and there were four speakers there from YWAM- Youth With A Mission. I was expecting the usual "you should all get up right now and fly to Africa" speech, but that's not what we got. Instead we got a talk on justice. They began with a story about a pastor who went through the Bible and physically cut out all the verses that talk about helping the poor and needy. The result was a torn and tattered volume, worthless by most people's standards. He went on to say that this was the American Bible- that we who have everything are blind to the concept of justice.

And suddenly this made a lot of sense to me, because it's true that you don't realize how unfair something is until you get the short end of the stick.

And furthurmore, it's mindblowing to realize that God has so much to say about feeding the hungry and clothing the naked. I don't know why I never noticed that before. Somehow, my rich-white-American mindset told me, "Well, God puts everyone in the situations they are in by His soverign good will, so it's not really my buisness anyway." And yet, if something happened to me tomorrow to leave me homeless, I would pray very hard that God would take me out of that situation. So why am I okay with that happening to others, just because I don't know them personally?

It's interesting that among all the verses I can think of about poverty in the Bible, most of them have to do with exorting us to help the poor and needy. Which tells me it's not just that God hates poverty because it's not fair, but he hates that those who can do something about it don't. THAT'S the part that's not fair. The unjustice of it is mind-blowing, when you think about how much we really have.

Another area this relates to is that of global evangalism... they gave a crazy statistic saying that only about two percent of all missionaries go to areas where the gospel has never been preached before. And there are a lot of areas like that. That seems even more unfair than people not having food... especially considering the amount of people who keep the gospel to themselves for no good reason.

So for once, more than being inspired to run off to the other side of the world, I actually feel convicted about the way I'm living now. Because of course we all know how far a very small bit of money will go in places where even water is scarce. And yet I have to eat five dollar salads when I get even the tinyest bit hungry at school. And buy new clothes when I don't like the old ones anymore. And do something different with my hair every couple of months. There's just so many ridiculous things that we Americans spend money on.

And not only that, I'm hugely, hugely convicted about the amount I complain. If anything makes God's character of Justice cringe it has got to be hearing me whine about my incredibly easy life. The people there from YWAM, who had traveled around to many third world countries, all vehemently agreed that most people who had close to nothing were much happier than we Americans are.

But it's not just about apriciating the good things God has chosen to give me, it's more like... well, everyone has their own trials and problems they have to deal with, and God gives us strength according to our need. I just suddenly find it very pathetic that God is having to pamper me by giving me the strength to actually go to class today... comparatively, it's so easy! I don't feel like I can ever really make a difference so long as I'm hung up on rich-white-American problems. If that makes any sense.

I would really like to learn to be content with less. I would like to inspire other people to do the same, if at all possible. One, because it would give us more money to give to those who really need it. Two, because it would teach us not to complain and to see the bigger picture. Three, because it would make us more ready and able to help those who have much, much less to begin with. And ultimately, because all of this would be glorifying to God in his infinite, unfathomable justice. This ideal is just that, an ideal- and while the head knowledge has finally reached the heart, it's miles and miles away from translating into actions. Still, it's a battle I- and all Americans, really- NEED to be fighting.

"If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever looses his life for My sake will save it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?" Luke 9:23-25

I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

Okay, I've finally made up my mind- I'm switching to a new blog. I may still use this one for my more serious thoughts, but we'll see. So, check it out here and let me know what you think.

I just got back from a weekend in Eastern Washington, and I'm probably way too tired to be posting (I actually just spelled the word "from" with two o's, for example), but I'm very restless and thoughtful after the events of this weekend and I know trying to sleep would be pointless.

We went over there for a second wedding reception for Christina and Dan, which was beautiful and it was great that everyone helped out and came together like that. It seems somewhat selfish to be thinking about the way this weekend impacted my own life when it should be about the happy couple, but this is my blog.

Being around so many strong Christians made me feel very imature and foolish in many ways. Sitting here in my quiet house as everyone else sleeps, I keep thinking of new things I regret doing or saying or thinking, not just this weekend but

I don't mind if you don't mind, 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine

I would just like to say that today has been a very good day. Nothing spectacular or amazing about it, just school, babysitting, writing, reading, listening to music, chatting online. Some homework that never got done, which I'll be doing early tomorrow morning with the assistance of caffine. Fine with me!

Soon I'm going to write a really entertaining, up-beat post about something simple, like some of the characters in choir or my ridiculous English class or the true nature of weddings. Also, I'm sure there's a few good rants about theology or education up my sleave somewhere... I'm just too tired to access them at the moment. I simply couldn't leave my poor blog looking so forlorn and depressed as the last post did. The sun was out today!

In speech class today we talked about red speakers and blue speakers- the difference being pretty much everything you would expect it to be. Blue are calm and collected with very well-prepared notes. Red are excited and energetic and quick to leave the plan. The teacher said I was a red speaker, even though I choose the blue slogan to represent myself. In truth I just wanted a crunch bar, because those who chose the red slogan had to take three muskateers, which arn't as good.

Soon the whole room was discussing their personality differences. It's funny how much we all like to know who we are- especially when someone else tells us. At least I do. It's really helpful to know where your nitch is. Then again, even if we were given personality cards de-coded from our DNA at birth, we would get boared with our nitch and want to break out of it. Even if the card told us we would. How strange it is to be human!

I'm exausted. Good night!

The Way I See It #1

Hello world!

Welcome to my brand-new blog. I've been blogging for about five years, and I don't think I'm addicted, yet...

I love starting new things and big empty spaces waiting to be filled with words. That's what keeps me buying new journals when I haven't half finished with the old ones- I bet you know exactly what I mean.

In case you were wondering, the title of this post is indeed a direct copy-cat reference to the quotes on the sides of Starbucks cups. Although I was kidding about not being addicted to blogging, I really seriously am not addicted to Starbucks- he and I have always just been good friends. Those who insist on insinuating that it is more than that may know, once and for all, that the feelings I have for Seattle's greatest coffee are quite under control. Do not allow this reference to our once blossoming relationship fool you!

Okay. So one of my goals in this new blog is to use pictures. I am not a picture person, I am a words person, but I love reading blogs with pictures. So, here it goes. This is me:

Except normally I wear t-shirts and jeans. I have a deeply complicated love-hate relationship with dressing up. It's always fun at first, and I love accesories (leg warmers, bracelets, headbands) and skirts, but it all gets uncomfortable after a couple of hours.

This is my family:

We are all squashed into a phone booth here. We get along fine most of the time. Also, we have parents not shown here. You can only fit so many people into a phone booth.

Last but certainly not least, this is my closet:

What? I think it's a perfectly logical next-step in introducing you to the many fascets of my oh-so-exciting life. As you can see, I have a spectacular closet that enables me and all of my stuffed animals to see our reflections in it from the end of my bed. Also, I'm quite proud of how organized it is at this time... I'm never quite sure how I feel about my old archenemy Cleaning, so any cooperation between us is worthy of some note. (You may have noticed by now that my life is quite a soap-opera of complicated relationships.)

Alright. I will continue to tell you about the things that make up my world as time goes on.

For now,

I remain,

Yours faithfully,

Emily.