I have been LOVING life.
It has something to do with working as hard as I did the last two weeks and having pretty much nothing on my plate this week... I've never apreciated sleeping in and sitting around doing nothing so much.
Things I've been enjoying:
-this beautiful rain
-boots, scarves, and sweaters
-hot drinks
-sleep
-cooking
-working out
-movies
-coloring and overall being artistic
Of course, this isn't all there is to life, and it's not like I really deserve a break yet. But I do think I tend to take the quiet times forgranted in my perpetual rush for significance and the next big thing. After all, heaven won't have all these dramatic ups and downs, ins and outs, will it? I look forward to the time when work and recreation will all be simple and straightforward, not tied up in alterior motives and concerns.
THIS JUST IN: There is a whole zuccini in my purse that I forgot to eat earlier. Jooooooooooy!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
every little thing's//gonna be alright
Confused?
Yep, I'm going back to my old blog name. Every time I see Jelly Beans I think, "Like my blog!" and then I realize my blog isn't named that anymore, and it makes me sad.
But not anymore!
Also, I imported all the old posts from my other blog to this one. So now this blog is five years old. =-0 Wow!
Last but not least...
Awww.
Yep, I'm going back to my old blog name. Every time I see Jelly Beans I think, "Like my blog!" and then I realize my blog isn't named that anymore, and it makes me sad.
But not anymore!
Also, I imported all the old posts from my other blog to this one. So now this blog is five years old. =-0 Wow!
Last but not least...
Awww.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
every time I turn around//I'm looking up, you're looking down
So, I have been working here, at this hole-in-the-wall doctor's office in Tacoma with pale blue walls, for nine days now. Tomorrow makes ten! When the Physical Therapist called me, I had no idea that there were actually as many as three physical therapists plus one assistant, a hand therapist, and a massage therapist working at one time here. They all have busy schedules chalk full of apointments, and at the end of each one they throw paper work at me. I never even got trained!
As it turns out, the guy who hired me for these two weeks thought I had a degree and a lot more experience than I actually do. I'm wondering what providence of God this might be leading towards, other than the near-sighted benefit of a pay check. It has sparked an interest in me for medical office work, which is funny because a few ladies at church have been trying to push me in this direction for a while now and it always sounded borrrrring. But it's not! It's a dynamic job with lots of aspects to it. I love talking to the customers in the waiting room. It's an oporotunity to serve, because some of them are SO lonely and just need someone to talk to. I have met some of the most interesting people in the most unlikely of disguises lately... sometimes you wonder how people ended up the way they are when they have so much going for them.
But I don't know. It's not much school and it would guarentee me a steady pay check and good hours, but it would always only be a contingency plan and I think I'd just be upset if I ended up doing it long-term. I've been thinking all day it might be good for me to narrow down exactly what the REAL plan is. Humm. That sounds too serious.
On to fresher topics! I have officially broken my record for going without going without coffee. See how I did that? Now it sounds like an accomplishment! I have had coffee every day since two Sundays ago. And maybe even furthur- at this point I just don't remember. But see how happy I am? I have no regrets! I use explination marks! I meant to say exclamation, but I don't really care!
Anyway. I have to go.
As it turns out, the guy who hired me for these two weeks thought I had a degree and a lot more experience than I actually do. I'm wondering what providence of God this might be leading towards, other than the near-sighted benefit of a pay check. It has sparked an interest in me for medical office work, which is funny because a few ladies at church have been trying to push me in this direction for a while now and it always sounded borrrrring. But it's not! It's a dynamic job with lots of aspects to it. I love talking to the customers in the waiting room. It's an oporotunity to serve, because some of them are SO lonely and just need someone to talk to. I have met some of the most interesting people in the most unlikely of disguises lately... sometimes you wonder how people ended up the way they are when they have so much going for them.
But I don't know. It's not much school and it would guarentee me a steady pay check and good hours, but it would always only be a contingency plan and I think I'd just be upset if I ended up doing it long-term. I've been thinking all day it might be good for me to narrow down exactly what the REAL plan is. Humm. That sounds too serious.
On to fresher topics! I have officially broken my record for going without going without coffee. See how I did that? Now it sounds like an accomplishment! I have had coffee every day since two Sundays ago. And maybe even furthur- at this point I just don't remember. But see how happy I am? I have no regrets! I use explination marks! I meant to say exclamation, but I don't really care!
Anyway. I have to go.
Monday, October 18, 2010
bulletproof
It's funny how much easier it is to express a few negative emotions than many more good ones.
It's funny how much pride and self-preservation gets wound up in relationships. We humans make things really hard on ourselves. It's like this huge game we play all day long with everyone around us- dodging bullets and sliding around land mines to waste as little amunition as possible. We all want to be bulletproof.
And it's funny, because just when I was congradulating myself on becoming an expert player in this game, I realized suddenly that I don't want to play. Wow. What a lot of wasted time.
It's funny how much pride and self-preservation gets wound up in relationships. We humans make things really hard on ourselves. It's like this huge game we play all day long with everyone around us- dodging bullets and sliding around land mines to waste as little amunition as possible. We all want to be bulletproof.
And it's funny, because just when I was congradulating myself on becoming an expert player in this game, I realized suddenly that I don't want to play. Wow. What a lot of wasted time.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Oh, life.
Oh, words. How can I attempt to capture the two of you and tie you together? The longer I go persuing accomplishment, success, and action, the furthur away I get from understanding the big picture. With less time to think, perspective quickly warps. No matter how much I tell myself that what I'm doing counts as life, it never feels that way.
What I'm trying to say is, I've been working long hours at a temporary job this week which eats up all but three hours of my day. I love having stuff to do and this job is INCREDIBLE, but I honestly don't know how some people go through their days without ever stopping to process what's going on. I haven't done any writing in something like a week! My life slowly starts to feel like it isn't happening when I go without writing. I feel as though I can have all these amazing experiences, but they won't last if I don't write. Moments start to disapear the second they pass, and I'm running around frantically scooping them up and stuffing them in my overflowing pockets, but it's no use because there's no time to go home and sort them out. They'll just end up crumbled and covered in lint like yesterday's cookies.
Not that I ever really write down play-by-play exactly what's going on in my oh-so-exciting life, but I write stories and thoughts, and somehow time and memories and feelings get stuck with those words and I can always remember them that way. I don't really know why that's so important, but it is. Makes me feel like I am something other than a random body in a random place doing random things.
Having long ago decided that "figuring out who you are" is a bogus concept, I've been trying for the last several years to figure out who I want to be, or rather who God wants me to be. I submit to you that this is something that needs to be constantly open for re-evaluation. It's not like you can figure out one direction and then run in that direction with blinders on for the rest of your life. But it has occured to me lately that it's one thing to know what you need to be and can be, and another thing alltogether to actually live up to it.
Of course, this is a rather optimistic way of viewing things- assuming that the real version of ourselves is the good version. But there is a sense in which this is true, and in which even the best versions of ourselves have to face their own particular demons. I just wish I could be that person all the time, even with it's downfalls and weaknesses. I wish I could be marvelously, purely SOMETHING. Selfish and petty, isn't it? But these are the thoughts that are on my mind today, as I wait for things to get crazy and wish that I had a camera to make a picture post. The end!
Oh, words. How can I attempt to capture the two of you and tie you together? The longer I go persuing accomplishment, success, and action, the furthur away I get from understanding the big picture. With less time to think, perspective quickly warps. No matter how much I tell myself that what I'm doing counts as life, it never feels that way.
What I'm trying to say is, I've been working long hours at a temporary job this week which eats up all but three hours of my day. I love having stuff to do and this job is INCREDIBLE, but I honestly don't know how some people go through their days without ever stopping to process what's going on. I haven't done any writing in something like a week! My life slowly starts to feel like it isn't happening when I go without writing. I feel as though I can have all these amazing experiences, but they won't last if I don't write. Moments start to disapear the second they pass, and I'm running around frantically scooping them up and stuffing them in my overflowing pockets, but it's no use because there's no time to go home and sort them out. They'll just end up crumbled and covered in lint like yesterday's cookies.
Not that I ever really write down play-by-play exactly what's going on in my oh-so-exciting life, but I write stories and thoughts, and somehow time and memories and feelings get stuck with those words and I can always remember them that way. I don't really know why that's so important, but it is. Makes me feel like I am something other than a random body in a random place doing random things.
Having long ago decided that "figuring out who you are" is a bogus concept, I've been trying for the last several years to figure out who I want to be, or rather who God wants me to be. I submit to you that this is something that needs to be constantly open for re-evaluation. It's not like you can figure out one direction and then run in that direction with blinders on for the rest of your life. But it has occured to me lately that it's one thing to know what you need to be and can be, and another thing alltogether to actually live up to it.
Of course, this is a rather optimistic way of viewing things- assuming that the real version of ourselves is the good version. But there is a sense in which this is true, and in which even the best versions of ourselves have to face their own particular demons. I just wish I could be that person all the time, even with it's downfalls and weaknesses. I wish I could be marvelously, purely SOMETHING. Selfish and petty, isn't it? But these are the thoughts that are on my mind today, as I wait for things to get crazy and wish that I had a camera to make a picture post. The end!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
my God is so big, so strong and so mighty!
Prayer is something I will never fully understand, but I know on one level we are expected to pray with faith- i.e. the belief that our prayers actually have some power before the God of the universe and that He is capable of giving us what we ask for. I was having a hard time with this today, as I struggled to pray for some of the same things I've been praying for for ages with little to no apparent result.
It occured to me today, though, that looking at God through the eyes of faith means that we who believe have seen miracles happen by the thousands. If we look at God as though we absolutely accept His word as truth, we have virtually seen the waters of the red sea part, lived over and over again the freezing of the sun in the sky, watched as the person of the living God head raised the dead to life with a word, been amazed as the hearts of kings were changed, gotten chills as unconqurable armies are taken down by a righous few. The list goes on and on- it really doesn't matter weather or not we've seen with our litteral eyes God working so drastically in our own lives. We should KNOW what He is capable of, as surely as if we HAD seen it.
It just struck me as funny, all of the sudden, that I should be looking for experiences in my life to confirm what I was reading in the pages of the Bible. My life is such a small portion of time in such a insignificant part of a very large world... it gets lost very quickly in the vastness of eternity and all that I have had the priviledge of seeing God do within that eternity. Furthermore, how many times in the Bible did God work through simple means? How many times did people Jesus dealt with not even really get it? How dare I doubt, when such a testimony has been revealed to me?
I hope and pray that I will never become so wrapped up in the little box that is my world to forget the vastness, goodness, and potency of a God who functions totally outside of it.
It occured to me today, though, that looking at God through the eyes of faith means that we who believe have seen miracles happen by the thousands. If we look at God as though we absolutely accept His word as truth, we have virtually seen the waters of the red sea part, lived over and over again the freezing of the sun in the sky, watched as the person of the living God head raised the dead to life with a word, been amazed as the hearts of kings were changed, gotten chills as unconqurable armies are taken down by a righous few. The list goes on and on- it really doesn't matter weather or not we've seen with our litteral eyes God working so drastically in our own lives. We should KNOW what He is capable of, as surely as if we HAD seen it.
It just struck me as funny, all of the sudden, that I should be looking for experiences in my life to confirm what I was reading in the pages of the Bible. My life is such a small portion of time in such a insignificant part of a very large world... it gets lost very quickly in the vastness of eternity and all that I have had the priviledge of seeing God do within that eternity. Furthermore, how many times in the Bible did God work through simple means? How many times did people Jesus dealt with not even really get it? How dare I doubt, when such a testimony has been revealed to me?
I hope and pray that I will never become so wrapped up in the little box that is my world to forget the vastness, goodness, and potency of a God who functions totally outside of it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
fall is here, hear the yell
Like my new background? I'm thinking of changing it with the seasons... the changing of the weather has become this really big deal to me lately. Maybe it's part of growing older- the more you become used to the big things, the more you notice the little things- thus making them magical. Just stepping outside these days is thrilling because it smells like Christmas a little and like change. And right now, it also smells like pumpkin spiced lattes- something not to be taken forgranted!
Time for a quote of the day from my new favorite TV show Chuck, which for various reasons I actually like more than The Office and all the Disney Chanel shows combined. :-) It's like everything that I love in those shows without their various flaws. I'd given up hope that such a show existed, so I'm pretty happy. Anyway, the quote of the day is:
"We are, chronologically speaking, adults now." :-) But just chronologically speaking, right?
I usually spend a lot of time on this blog beating around the bush and trying to put ugly things in nice, vauge words so that they can become a meaningful lesson without drawing too much attention to the actual problem behind them. Today I'm not in the mood; not that I'm grumpy, just feeling straightforward and honest: I've been feeling incredibly down on myself lately. My new job at Hollister is not helpful with this- I am the only one there who doesn't look like I just stepped out of one of the posters on the walls, with every hair in place and flawless complexions and perfect bodies dressed in outfits that had to cost hundreds.
I'm not one to spend ages wallowing over my appearance- most of the time I'm too impatient even to blow dry my hair. I want to be healthy and strong, and while I wish that I was better at putting good things into my body, I've never cared about being model-thin.
So this has definitely made me think. And I'm determined not to let myself be sucked in by these lies anymore. The thing that has struck me the most is this: being beautiful comes with a big cost! Money is one thing- in this atmostphere, I've been seriously tempted to purchase jeans that cost more than my ipod did and shirts that serve the same purpose as the ones you'll find for a fourth of the cost across the street. At first I didn't get it, but now I do... it's all in the presentation, and the people who work and shop and model at Hollister are cooler than those who you'll find elsewhere. It's an uncomfortable feeling being at the bottom of that food chain, and the more time you spend in that setting, the more aware of your standing in the ladder you become.
But money isn't the only thing, it's also time and energy... not just while you're in front of the mirror in the morning, but all day long. People are so determined to maintain this illusion of beauty that is way beyond what actually exists underneath. This isn't a thought which was original to me, but it's a good one: what are these people going to do when that beauty starts to fade? Will they loose their identities? Will they scramble to win a loosing battle against time and nature? That sounds SO pathetic to me. If for that reason only, I'm not gonna play this game now... so that I can grow old with grace.
What it comes down to is this: the things you invest the most into will start to define you. This kind of applies to a lot of things. I've been investing too much time and energy into the wrong things lately, and suddenly when I realized some of those things were on sinking sand, I felt like I was sinking too. This is one lesson I learn over and over again, and always forget when I find something or someone other than God to lean on. Not sure how that applies, but it's a good point. :-P
I think there's got to be a ballance for this beauty issue, though. Because all my life I've been told that "it's not what's on the outside that matters," but that in and of it's self isn't enough. I feel like girls who hear that will go through their lives feeling like they're not beautiful, when in truth a lot of people ARE really beautiful even if they didn't step out of Hollister posters. And sure, there is a LOT more to life than being beautiful. But neither is it something we have to deny completely- if there IS an ultimate standard for esthetics based in God's character (and I think there is!), than each and every person is, fundamentally, beautiful- and we are called to rejoice in things that are lovely.
But I don't think beauty is what people think it is- it's not something you can take on and off (the Bible even says that), nor is it something entierly in the invisible attributes of a person. I think outer beauty is in what you were born with, when it is displayed with grace, confidence, and modesty. Does this make sense? I feel like I have a long way to go before I'll know how to be trully beautiful, but it's good to be reminded (constantly) that I'm shooting for something totally different from what the people at work are shooting for.
I feel like maybe I've been trying to hide behind all the finery lately, which is kind of ironic. Aren't those the things people use to get MORE attention? But the thing is, fancy clothes and makeup draw attention away from the person beneath- at least to an extent. The most beautiful people are those who aren't afraid to step away from that and let the real beauty they have shine through- this is why I LOVE Dove's beauty products, because they are all about natural beauty. I think we Christians have an important job in re-defining beautiful, and we're only hurting Christ's message by ignoring that. Thoughts?
Time for a quote of the day from my new favorite TV show Chuck, which for various reasons I actually like more than The Office and all the Disney Chanel shows combined. :-) It's like everything that I love in those shows without their various flaws. I'd given up hope that such a show existed, so I'm pretty happy. Anyway, the quote of the day is:
"We are, chronologically speaking, adults now." :-) But just chronologically speaking, right?
I usually spend a lot of time on this blog beating around the bush and trying to put ugly things in nice, vauge words so that they can become a meaningful lesson without drawing too much attention to the actual problem behind them. Today I'm not in the mood; not that I'm grumpy, just feeling straightforward and honest: I've been feeling incredibly down on myself lately. My new job at Hollister is not helpful with this- I am the only one there who doesn't look like I just stepped out of one of the posters on the walls, with every hair in place and flawless complexions and perfect bodies dressed in outfits that had to cost hundreds.
I'm not one to spend ages wallowing over my appearance- most of the time I'm too impatient even to blow dry my hair. I want to be healthy and strong, and while I wish that I was better at putting good things into my body, I've never cared about being model-thin.
So this has definitely made me think. And I'm determined not to let myself be sucked in by these lies anymore. The thing that has struck me the most is this: being beautiful comes with a big cost! Money is one thing- in this atmostphere, I've been seriously tempted to purchase jeans that cost more than my ipod did and shirts that serve the same purpose as the ones you'll find for a fourth of the cost across the street. At first I didn't get it, but now I do... it's all in the presentation, and the people who work and shop and model at Hollister are cooler than those who you'll find elsewhere. It's an uncomfortable feeling being at the bottom of that food chain, and the more time you spend in that setting, the more aware of your standing in the ladder you become.
But money isn't the only thing, it's also time and energy... not just while you're in front of the mirror in the morning, but all day long. People are so determined to maintain this illusion of beauty that is way beyond what actually exists underneath. This isn't a thought which was original to me, but it's a good one: what are these people going to do when that beauty starts to fade? Will they loose their identities? Will they scramble to win a loosing battle against time and nature? That sounds SO pathetic to me. If for that reason only, I'm not gonna play this game now... so that I can grow old with grace.
What it comes down to is this: the things you invest the most into will start to define you. This kind of applies to a lot of things. I've been investing too much time and energy into the wrong things lately, and suddenly when I realized some of those things were on sinking sand, I felt like I was sinking too. This is one lesson I learn over and over again, and always forget when I find something or someone other than God to lean on. Not sure how that applies, but it's a good point. :-P
I think there's got to be a ballance for this beauty issue, though. Because all my life I've been told that "it's not what's on the outside that matters," but that in and of it's self isn't enough. I feel like girls who hear that will go through their lives feeling like they're not beautiful, when in truth a lot of people ARE really beautiful even if they didn't step out of Hollister posters. And sure, there is a LOT more to life than being beautiful. But neither is it something we have to deny completely- if there IS an ultimate standard for esthetics based in God's character (and I think there is!), than each and every person is, fundamentally, beautiful- and we are called to rejoice in things that are lovely.
But I don't think beauty is what people think it is- it's not something you can take on and off (the Bible even says that), nor is it something entierly in the invisible attributes of a person. I think outer beauty is in what you were born with, when it is displayed with grace, confidence, and modesty. Does this make sense? I feel like I have a long way to go before I'll know how to be trully beautiful, but it's good to be reminded (constantly) that I'm shooting for something totally different from what the people at work are shooting for.
I feel like maybe I've been trying to hide behind all the finery lately, which is kind of ironic. Aren't those the things people use to get MORE attention? But the thing is, fancy clothes and makeup draw attention away from the person beneath- at least to an extent. The most beautiful people are those who aren't afraid to step away from that and let the real beauty they have shine through- this is why I LOVE Dove's beauty products, because they are all about natural beauty. I think we Christians have an important job in re-defining beautiful, and we're only hurting Christ's message by ignoring that. Thoughts?
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