So the way that I understand it is that God no longer chooses to reveal his will specially because, esentially, he's already said everything he needs to say. Which is pretty cool, because I don't have to sit around waiting for a voice- I can just go search the scriptures.
But I know that he works in individuals lives actively today. It's not like he just sits up in heaven and watches the world go around.
The difficult part is figuring out how to follow his leading in the every day things. I mean, the answers arn't always obvious, like weather I should go to Africa or New York. These decisions arn't just arbitrary, are they? God might open up one door and close the other, all for his perfect plan. Maybe it's not always a good idea to fight and fight against a closed door, while others might be closed for a time just to test our faith. Other times, maybe we just need to learn to love what is good for us- the doors that God chooses to open that we don't want to walk through.
Tell me, what do you think about that?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
it seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know
Lately I've started to be worried about church and God and stuff. I'm worried that I have closed myself in too much with my religion- that really, the idea of God is much broader than I like to think. What I mean by this is all the rules that we follow. I understand why it is that we don't have a worship band, and I support my church on that decision, but sometimes it bothers me that I would be uncomforatable letting go before God, really worshiping Him to the reckless abandon of other people's opinions. And I think about gospel chiors and churches that are big on the "Amens" and "Praise the Lords," and how I've always said that kind of thing just fed the emotions. But now I'm starting to think that maybe emotions are a big part of worship, and maybe my faith would be stronger if I could claim that kind of vivid interaction with God on a weekly basis.
I know people will say that you should be able to worship God just as vividly during the dryest hymn without any accompanyment whatsoever, but I am starting to doubt that this is true. Certain things stir up our emotions- we were created that way. And if a moving piece of music combined with powerful lyrics (throw out the repetative, me-centered praise songs, please) could help to break through the clouds that always seem to exist between God and I, then maybe that's a good thing.
Sure, the emotions will wear off. But hopefully the relationship you develop with God during those intimate, emotionally charged moments would stay the same. Just like human relationships.
But this is getting more technical than I intended it too- really, I'm just craving the oporotunity to worship God with everything in me, my body and my voice and my heart as well as my mind. Come to think of it the same concept applies to the idea of God speaking to individuals or even just moving in their hearts in ways that are too esoterical to pin down in precise terms. I don't exactly think God speaks to us anymore in actual voices or that he gives people the ability to prophesy (wow, I can NOT figure out how to spell that), but maybe He does work more personally and mysteriously than I am sometimes willing to allow for. I don't like that I've closed my mind to the possibility that God could ever give me a strong feeling that I need to do this or talk to someone or whatever it is. Of course I'm walking a very fine line here, and I know that.
Moving on, I worry a lot about the different faces different people put on God. Sometimes talking with other people even in my own church I realize that the God they pray to has a totally different personality than the God I pray to. It's somewhat comforting to realize that God is a complex being with many, many different sides to Him, and even when I have only learned to recognize or worship one or two sides of him, He is still faithfull to deal with me according to all the other sides. He doesn't cut me off to say, "that's not really me you're talking to, stop making up some idea of me in your head that doesn't exist." He accepts my praise and worship, even if I'm only grasping at one corner of his existance. Which is amazing, because if someone understood me so incompletely I would feel very frusterated with their attempts to admire or love me.
Part of the problem might be that God can exist in these duplicities that we humans can't comprehend- He can be terrifying and gentle all in one instant, just as he can die for the sinners who in other passages he claims to abhor. We can only focus on one of these attributes at a time, when really they only make sense as a condusive whole.
I do think it's really dangerous to become too convinced that I know what God is like, instead of keeping and open mind and trying to learn more about him all the time. That's the part that bothers me, in myself as well as in others.
On a slightly more personal level, I have been feeling really alone lately. Even though I'm surrounded by people all the time, I'm never quite a part of it the way I used to be. I keep floating back in my mind to all these groups that I've been a part of that were the world to me, starting with the Camp Hopies, and then my co-op friends, and then the Boyds, and then the Mississippi group last year. And now everyone is splintered and being pulled in different dirrections. People feel sorry for me a lot lately and try to talk to me to make me feel better, but what I really want is one person that I can always count on to be there no matter what. Someone that I can email sixty times a week and chat online all the time and call on the phone and hang out with after school. What I really want, I suppose, is a husband- but I'm not anywhere near ready for that. I've almost always had one person like that in my life, and now I find myself automatically sidling up to different people, testing out the waters to see if maybe this could be that person. But it never is.
And I think I know why. I think God is trying to teach me not just to be content in any situation, which I certainly am learning, but to go to HIM with my problems. I am terrible about this. My first reaction is to tell a friend, or post a blog, and if that doesn't work I'll eat a big bowl of ice cream or go get a mocha or flop down in front of the TV. I never believe that praying will actually help. It's always an after thought. But when I'm more or less alone like I am right now, I find myself driven to God in desperation- and I'm always shocked by how well it works. It's very faith-strengthening. And I'm learning, slowly, to go to Him as a FIRST reaction instead of waiting until there's no where else to go.
I am also learning that life is much more than relationships. I mean, there is only so much a friendship or a relationship can do for you. In the end of the day we're all kind of alone, we have to find our own ways of dealing with things and comming to rest with reality. We can only know one another to this very limited extent, even in marriage or the closest parent-child relationship in the world. Very interesting to someone like me who always thought relationships were the most important, deep and fufilling thing in the world.
I guess I'm trying to rival Kacy for blog post length today. But one more thing. I am SO confused about what to do with my life. I feel like I have to make a decision right now, but there are so many variables that could change any time. Things I want to accomplish:
1. Get my AA
2. Go to a university and learn more about music and litterature
3. Go to Africa and be a missionary
4. Go to New York and be a nanny
5. Be in some plays, preferably as a dancer and/or part of the chorus
6. Write a book
And I tend to think all of this has to happen before I get married. If I don't get married, I have no idea how I will occupy myself after all of this is done. If I do, I don't know how I'll satisfy myself with not "living my dreams" or whatever. So please pray that direction would come to me as I need it. Right now I'm pretty absolutely convinced that I need to finish my AA, which is looking like it's going to be another three quarters at least. (Yuck!!) So I keep reminding myself not to get restless, but to devote myself to the task God has given me for right now. After that, it's gonna be harder.
I hate that I'm such a late bloomer and I'm just now figuring out how to actually accomplish things. A lot of people have like all of those things done by the time they are my age.
Oh well. I gotta go fold t-shirts now. And then, off to chior to do some CHOREOGRAPHY!!
I know people will say that you should be able to worship God just as vividly during the dryest hymn without any accompanyment whatsoever, but I am starting to doubt that this is true. Certain things stir up our emotions- we were created that way. And if a moving piece of music combined with powerful lyrics (throw out the repetative, me-centered praise songs, please) could help to break through the clouds that always seem to exist between God and I, then maybe that's a good thing.
Sure, the emotions will wear off. But hopefully the relationship you develop with God during those intimate, emotionally charged moments would stay the same. Just like human relationships.
But this is getting more technical than I intended it too- really, I'm just craving the oporotunity to worship God with everything in me, my body and my voice and my heart as well as my mind. Come to think of it the same concept applies to the idea of God speaking to individuals or even just moving in their hearts in ways that are too esoterical to pin down in precise terms. I don't exactly think God speaks to us anymore in actual voices or that he gives people the ability to prophesy (wow, I can NOT figure out how to spell that), but maybe He does work more personally and mysteriously than I am sometimes willing to allow for. I don't like that I've closed my mind to the possibility that God could ever give me a strong feeling that I need to do this or talk to someone or whatever it is. Of course I'm walking a very fine line here, and I know that.
Moving on, I worry a lot about the different faces different people put on God. Sometimes talking with other people even in my own church I realize that the God they pray to has a totally different personality than the God I pray to. It's somewhat comforting to realize that God is a complex being with many, many different sides to Him, and even when I have only learned to recognize or worship one or two sides of him, He is still faithfull to deal with me according to all the other sides. He doesn't cut me off to say, "that's not really me you're talking to, stop making up some idea of me in your head that doesn't exist." He accepts my praise and worship, even if I'm only grasping at one corner of his existance. Which is amazing, because if someone understood me so incompletely I would feel very frusterated with their attempts to admire or love me.
Part of the problem might be that God can exist in these duplicities that we humans can't comprehend- He can be terrifying and gentle all in one instant, just as he can die for the sinners who in other passages he claims to abhor. We can only focus on one of these attributes at a time, when really they only make sense as a condusive whole.
I do think it's really dangerous to become too convinced that I know what God is like, instead of keeping and open mind and trying to learn more about him all the time. That's the part that bothers me, in myself as well as in others.
On a slightly more personal level, I have been feeling really alone lately. Even though I'm surrounded by people all the time, I'm never quite a part of it the way I used to be. I keep floating back in my mind to all these groups that I've been a part of that were the world to me, starting with the Camp Hopies, and then my co-op friends, and then the Boyds, and then the Mississippi group last year. And now everyone is splintered and being pulled in different dirrections. People feel sorry for me a lot lately and try to talk to me to make me feel better, but what I really want is one person that I can always count on to be there no matter what. Someone that I can email sixty times a week and chat online all the time and call on the phone and hang out with after school. What I really want, I suppose, is a husband- but I'm not anywhere near ready for that. I've almost always had one person like that in my life, and now I find myself automatically sidling up to different people, testing out the waters to see if maybe this could be that person. But it never is.
And I think I know why. I think God is trying to teach me not just to be content in any situation, which I certainly am learning, but to go to HIM with my problems. I am terrible about this. My first reaction is to tell a friend, or post a blog, and if that doesn't work I'll eat a big bowl of ice cream or go get a mocha or flop down in front of the TV. I never believe that praying will actually help. It's always an after thought. But when I'm more or less alone like I am right now, I find myself driven to God in desperation- and I'm always shocked by how well it works. It's very faith-strengthening. And I'm learning, slowly, to go to Him as a FIRST reaction instead of waiting until there's no where else to go.
I am also learning that life is much more than relationships. I mean, there is only so much a friendship or a relationship can do for you. In the end of the day we're all kind of alone, we have to find our own ways of dealing with things and comming to rest with reality. We can only know one another to this very limited extent, even in marriage or the closest parent-child relationship in the world. Very interesting to someone like me who always thought relationships were the most important, deep and fufilling thing in the world.
I guess I'm trying to rival Kacy for blog post length today. But one more thing. I am SO confused about what to do with my life. I feel like I have to make a decision right now, but there are so many variables that could change any time. Things I want to accomplish:
1. Get my AA
2. Go to a university and learn more about music and litterature
3. Go to Africa and be a missionary
4. Go to New York and be a nanny
5. Be in some plays, preferably as a dancer and/or part of the chorus
6. Write a book
And I tend to think all of this has to happen before I get married. If I don't get married, I have no idea how I will occupy myself after all of this is done. If I do, I don't know how I'll satisfy myself with not "living my dreams" or whatever. So please pray that direction would come to me as I need it. Right now I'm pretty absolutely convinced that I need to finish my AA, which is looking like it's going to be another three quarters at least. (Yuck!!) So I keep reminding myself not to get restless, but to devote myself to the task God has given me for right now. After that, it's gonna be harder.
I hate that I'm such a late bloomer and I'm just now figuring out how to actually accomplish things. A lot of people have like all of those things done by the time they are my age.
Oh well. I gotta go fold t-shirts now. And then, off to chior to do some CHOREOGRAPHY!!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
lesson in joy
In a dark room I find myself crawling and climbing, my fingernails scratching at corners and walls. This feels frighteningly like the room I was born in, small and dark and two-dementional like everything outside has also become. I've grown too weary to fight it. Searching, searching, always searching for that pin prick of light that will crack into a way of escape. Feeling rising panic choke out my throat, wondering if there really is nothing outside this box except it's critics. Almost believing this must be so, and yet not alone. Somehow, even in lonliness, not ever quite alone.
Confusion is the least of my worries, as I am mute and heartbroken as well as blind. How can this be? Tears begin to course down my cheeks as my searching becomes more frantic, throwing myself against the walls, my muscles straining until the skin turns white. Don't leave me here to live, I begin to beg, my mute lips moving in still silence. The darkness crushes in like hands on every side, holding my thrashing limbs still until I am sobbing in terror. All I want is to be rid of it, this opression of the soul.
At last my silent cries reach a wail, and I colapse in utter defeat. There is no more hope. It is then that the hands of time pull back, allowing the air to rush in around me. There is stillness. My racing heart has exausted its self, and it slows to a steady beat. It is still dark, with not a point of light for my sightless eyes, but slowly I climb to my feet. My fingers curl into fists, determination embodied in the bloodied knuckles streatched over the bones. And in that silence, in that darkness, I begin to whisper with a voice I did not know I had. And this is what I say:
I will serve You.
Over and over will I repeat it, never shouting, not deigning to beat the walls or the floor again. Over and over will I say it until the light comes in. There is nothing more certain than this.
Confusion is the least of my worries, as I am mute and heartbroken as well as blind. How can this be? Tears begin to course down my cheeks as my searching becomes more frantic, throwing myself against the walls, my muscles straining until the skin turns white. Don't leave me here to live, I begin to beg, my mute lips moving in still silence. The darkness crushes in like hands on every side, holding my thrashing limbs still until I am sobbing in terror. All I want is to be rid of it, this opression of the soul.
At last my silent cries reach a wail, and I colapse in utter defeat. There is no more hope. It is then that the hands of time pull back, allowing the air to rush in around me. There is stillness. My racing heart has exausted its self, and it slows to a steady beat. It is still dark, with not a point of light for my sightless eyes, but slowly I climb to my feet. My fingers curl into fists, determination embodied in the bloodied knuckles streatched over the bones. And in that silence, in that darkness, I begin to whisper with a voice I did not know I had. And this is what I say:
I will serve You.
Over and over will I repeat it, never shouting, not deigning to beat the walls or the floor again. Over and over will I say it until the light comes in. There is nothing more certain than this.
Friday, November 6, 2009
reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it...
Things I have been thinking about:
1. I wish people gave a little more respect to the president.
2. I complain too much. It's completely ridiculous. Never quite satisfied, I go groping for something to make me happy day in and day out, when really it should be so simple- work hard, follow God, love people, be joyful....
3. Does God love everybody?
4. Chior is AWESOME. We are one of two chiors and several soloists joining together with this big swelling orchestra to create the ultimate cheesy holiday masterpiece, the kind you expect to hear while shopping in downtown Seattle with colored lights everywhere as the snow starts to fall. I can't imagine anything more wonderful in the whole world.
5. Music makes me restless. If I don't listen to music, I can almost avoid feeling, which is awesome sometimes. But I wish I would choose the music instead.
6. The word "believe" refers to something that you actually do think is true. Not something that you like, not something that helps you feel connected to the world around you, not something that fufills you or makes you a better person. I thought this went without saying, but I keep running into people who say they believe or know someone who believes something they most certainly don't believe... they just practice these things religiously in some way shape or form. Does that make any sense?
7. Somewhat connected, I'm realizing that I don't really believe the things I say I believe as much as I'd like to. I believe them, meaning I'm more than 50% sure they are true, but I don't know if I believe anything 100%. There is this huge disconnect between what I say and the way I really think, and even more between the way I think and the way I act. I really want to change this. I want to read through the Bible as though I'd never seen it before and see what I find all on my own. Even though they wouldn't be the best opinions ever, nor the most well educated- at least they would be mine, and I wouldn't be taking things strictly on other people's authority.
And then a half-finished song that I don't think I'm ever going to finish.
if we had been astronauts
make-believe space robots
we'd know to blast out of here
Out in the atmosphere
in our own hemisphere
like earthlings we'd live on the moon
If we had a great balloon
We’d sail for Hook’s lagoon
fighting pirates like Pan on the sea
So young we could not grow up
with one thimble-full of luck
We’d hardly need pixie dust to fly
Far as the telescope can see
Under blanket forts
It’s make-believe
There’s nothing here that’s real
but I’ve got nowhere else to go
so come on
let’s pretend that we're invincible
And now I can delete all 12ish drafts sitting in my posts from the last month, haha.
1. I wish people gave a little more respect to the president.
2. I complain too much. It's completely ridiculous. Never quite satisfied, I go groping for something to make me happy day in and day out, when really it should be so simple- work hard, follow God, love people, be joyful....
3. Does God love everybody?
4. Chior is AWESOME. We are one of two chiors and several soloists joining together with this big swelling orchestra to create the ultimate cheesy holiday masterpiece, the kind you expect to hear while shopping in downtown Seattle with colored lights everywhere as the snow starts to fall. I can't imagine anything more wonderful in the whole world.
5. Music makes me restless. If I don't listen to music, I can almost avoid feeling, which is awesome sometimes. But I wish I would choose the music instead.
6. The word "believe" refers to something that you actually do think is true. Not something that you like, not something that helps you feel connected to the world around you, not something that fufills you or makes you a better person. I thought this went without saying, but I keep running into people who say they believe or know someone who believes something they most certainly don't believe... they just practice these things religiously in some way shape or form. Does that make any sense?
7. Somewhat connected, I'm realizing that I don't really believe the things I say I believe as much as I'd like to. I believe them, meaning I'm more than 50% sure they are true, but I don't know if I believe anything 100%. There is this huge disconnect between what I say and the way I really think, and even more between the way I think and the way I act. I really want to change this. I want to read through the Bible as though I'd never seen it before and see what I find all on my own. Even though they wouldn't be the best opinions ever, nor the most well educated- at least they would be mine, and I wouldn't be taking things strictly on other people's authority.
And then a half-finished song that I don't think I'm ever going to finish.
if we had been astronauts
make-believe space robots
we'd know to blast out of here
Out in the atmosphere
in our own hemisphere
like earthlings we'd live on the moon
If we had a great balloon
We’d sail for Hook’s lagoon
fighting pirates like Pan on the sea
So young we could not grow up
with one thimble-full of luck
We’d hardly need pixie dust to fly
Far as the telescope can see
Under blanket forts
It’s make-believe
There’s nothing here that’s real
but I’ve got nowhere else to go
so come on
let’s pretend that we're invincible
And now I can delete all 12ish drafts sitting in my posts from the last month, haha.
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